The Big Breakup
Sunday, July 26, 2009
ME: That's it...it's OVER. I want to break up.
FOOD: Aw..come on baby...you don't really mean that.
ME: Yes, I do. I can't take it anymore. I can't live with the way you make me feel.
FOOD: The "way I make you feel?" Hey sweetie, I make you feel GOOD. Nobody can do it like I can. Melted cheese dripping down the sides of a big, juicy burger....freshly fried funnel cakes at the county fair....rich hot fudge smothering a brownie ice cream sundae.....don't EVEN tell me I don't make you feel good.
ME: Well, yes, but then afterwards I hate myself.
FOOD: And that's supposed to be my fault? What...did I ever force myself on you?
ME: No, it was more subtle and seductive. But you knew that I didn't have the strength to resist you. You knew I couldn't say "no" and you took advantage of that.
FOOD: Oh....I see....so now YOUR inability to control yourself becomes MY fault. Interesting twist you put on things. Actually relieves you of all responsibility if you think about it that way, doesn't it? If memory serves me correctly, you were a more than willing participant in this relationship. I didn't do anything you didn't want or need me to do.
ME: (sigh..) I know, and that's the saddest part. But I'm ready to accept my destructive part in this relationship and it has to end now.
FOOD: You can't be serious, honey. Who's been there through all the tough times, the stress, the sadness? When did I ever let you down? Never. I was always there for you and I always will be.
ME: I know... and that's why this is so difficult. I know I can't get you out of my life completely, but.....do you think we can still be friends?
FOOD: FRIENDS?!? After all these years, you just want to be friends? FORGET IT! Remember....I KNOW you. How many times have you tried to break up with me before, only to come crawling back to my open arms? Just wait...you'll be back. One good crisis and we'll be snuggled up on your sofa with an all-night supply of Fritos and French onion dip.
ME: (shaking head sadly) No. Things have to change...and it's long overdue. The person you've known and been with so long....well, she's not who I want to be, so get over her........because she's SO over you!