Spark Blogs Help, I Think.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Here's my ramble. I've been feeling so depressed the last few days. I'd had that 12 day binge free streak, and followed it with about as many days binge-ful. My weight has pushed up again, and although I fight it, I feel that old shame. Shame doesn't help anyone, I know, right?

The last 2 days, I've said, okay, time to quit the bingeing again, let's get back on track. Aaand, I've failed. And felt more depressed, embarrassed, etc.

Then I came on here and started reading your blogs. Do you know I've been avoiding coming on here because, I don't know, maybe I've felt unworthy on some level. Yuck... seriously, it defies reason.

At any rate, reading the blogs helps. And I know what's fueling my overeating, but I haven't wanted to blog about it because it's the same old stuff. Distance from a loved one or two, an upcoming visit to a relative who has historically judged me by my weight (who can blame 'em, I do it to myself, right?), a very real possiblility that this furlough vote won't pass and my job may be cut back or go away entirely. The list goes on. My son wants to swim all the time now, and I'm so tired of being fat in a swimsuit. On the other hand, I'm trying to do the old body love thing and that's a constant struggle.

I'd envisioned this summer as a healthy one, with lots of activity. Instead, I've felt like I've been on autopilot. I want to get out of this rut.

I did the twelve days before, I can get back on it. At some point, this will start to come together. Maybe I'll be working on it for years, but at some point, it's got to get better.

I envy those who jumped on here and lost the weight and have kept it all off. I'm ashamed on some level that I haven't been able to do that. Up til the last couple of years, every time I had weight creep on, I've been able to journal and take it off in a few weeks. Not this time.

Going out of town today to see an old friend, and feel really stressed to let her see how much weight I've put on. Seriously, why do I care about this?

So I'm going back to read more blogs before that happens. I've just got to get back on track somehow.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon Sounds like you have a lot of things going on right now, and I think it's hard not to fall back to old ways of trying to cope when we're dealing with stressful situations!
    Unfortunately some of the same things we do to try to soothe ourselves, sometimes make us feel worse later...

    I think it's important to find ways to soothe ourselves that don't leave us feeling bad later...sometimes those things take a little more thought or effort, or time, but are still important to try to find. Think of some things you enjoy, that you don't do often, that don't cost much, but seem like a maybe a bubble bath or something.
    Make a list, and try to find ways to do those things more often.

    My last surgery and the long recovery time really opened my eyes to my life...
    Don't waste today worrying so much about things...
    I try to remember to make the most of's the only thing I've got for sure...I may want to improve some things, sure some stuff in life really stinks...but I've got a lot going for me right now, and so do YOU!

    Make the most of today...and then do it again tomorrow!

    Take care & SPark On!
    3254 days ago
    Sweetie you CAN do this!!! I've been on SP for almost a year and am just realizing what works for me. I've lost a little and gained, and then lost a little more. I'm learning that that's how I loose. So, now I know that when I over indulge and don't exercise to cover it, I will gain. I have to set myself up for success and you do too! Maybe you don't buy wine and cheese until you're comfortable having it around. Whatever your triggers are....learn how to avoid them. Blogs are GREAT!!! I spend a ton of time reading blogs from other sparkers. Theyr'e very inspiring and there's lots of info out there too.

    Keep on trying!!!
    Blessings and Hugs,
    3254 days ago
    I know how you feel. Honestly, I have found this past couple weeks since I've been back with SP, that journaling has helped me, too :)

    Big hugs your way.. I understand your struggles. There are so many great people here wearing our same shoes!! We can help eachother.. :)

    3254 days ago
    I feel your pain! Reading blogs always works for me. There are so many members of SP that really have had experiences much worse that mine and time and time again, I tell myself, don't sweat the small stuff. I lost almost all my IRA due to the crappy stock market. It could have wiped me out, but I didn't let it. I am not working right now and used that time to try to get myself healthy again. So, I had to cut back my finances, we only have one car instead of two, I live in a manufactured home instead of my beautiful four-bedroom home and I just have basic cable. You make it work. Why is that important? Because, that is the approach I have taken with my weight loss. I have been a member of SP for 14 months and I wasn't one of those people that lost a lot of weight and kept it off. SP was not the "cure all" for me, but it gave me a foundation to start recording and planning exercise and meals. I have gone up and down a few times and it is only now that I am figuring out what works for me. You can figure it out too. Just be patient and keep trying. It is only when you give up that you will most certainly fail. The most valuable thing on SP for me is the number of wonderful people I have met. I can always find something to read that inspires me and gets me motivated again. I consider you a friend and I know you can do this. Trust in your instincts and have a little faith. Cynthia
    3255 days ago
    Sorry you are having trouble. I have been there very recently. What works for me is setting really small goals. Every day, I set one small goal (ie, I won't have a midnight snack today or I'll get 30 minutes of exercise today). I try to imagine myself already at my goal weight. One phrase that helps me also is:

    What others think of me is none of my business.

    This helps with those who judge. You can get back on track if you really want to! emoticon
    3255 days ago
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