Friday, July 03, 2009
I am having a really hard time accepting this denial once again. I keep hearing the words that our pastor told me, "I have to accept that God is the decision maker and when He feels it's the right time it will be the right time and I will get my my new kidney and pancreas." Those words just keep burning through my head like the flames burning through and house fire. But why won't they sink in? It just feels so unfair that He would keep these things from me that I so desparately need. And it seems so unfair for Him to take my parents home when I need them here with me so badly right now.
How do you explain to a daughter 13, that her fears are the same as mine without scaring her to death? She is angry at God for not giving me the transplants today (yesterday Thursday) because she is scared to death of losing her mom. How do you not be selfish and think, "when will it be my time?" How do I show her not to be selfish when that's what's on my mind? I heard the words that came out of my mouth today to explain to her that the person who received the organs has been on the list longer than I have and what if they had smaller children then I have? What came out of her mouth was "but what about me mom, I have nothing without you." It tore my heart apart.
It is so hard to keep a positive attitude when these things keep happening. Especially when this tis the 2nd time in less than 2 weeks that this has happened. Somehow I have got to get through this.