Another denial

Friday, July 03, 2009

I am having a really hard time accepting this denial once again. I keep hearing the words that our pastor told me, "I have to accept that God is the decision maker and when He feels it's the right time it will be the right time and I will get my my new kidney and pancreas." Those words just keep burning through my head like the flames burning through and house fire. But why won't they sink in? It just feels so unfair that He would keep these things from me that I so desparately need. And it seems so unfair for Him to take my parents home when I need them here with me so badly right now.

How do you explain to a daughter 13, that her fears are the same as mine without scaring her to death? She is angry at God for not giving me the transplants today (yesterday Thursday) because she is scared to death of losing her mom. How do you not be selfish and think, "when will it be my time?" How do I show her not to be selfish when that's what's on my mind? I heard the words that came out of my mouth today to explain to her that the person who received the organs has been on the list longer than I have and what if they had smaller children then I have? What came out of her mouth was "but what about me mom, I have nothing without you." It tore my heart apart.

It is so hard to keep a positive attitude when these things keep happening. Especially when this tis the 2nd time in less than 2 weeks that this has happened. Somehow I have got to get through this.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hey, Bridget!
    So sorry to hear about this! I wish there was an easy answer, but most things to say just sound pat and uncaring. It's hard to keep a thankful and posative perspective and attitude in such a hard situation. One thing I remind myself and my kids is that as many times as we think "That's not fair!" (and we all do it), we have to remind ourselves that it isn't fair, but often we are mmore blessed than we deserve. I did nothing to deserve being born in a free country, when so many are not. This is not fair. It is not fair that I have been given parents who love me, when so many do not have this. It is not fair that I have my children, when so many have not been able to have any, or have lost theirs. So one thing to do when you feel yourself getting angry at God is to remmeber to thank Him for what He has given, because He has. Another thing we do is we think so much about the hear adn now, we forget to think about forever. We think so much about the tangible, we forget about the intangible. The things you cannot touch are worth so much more than the things you can. This trial you have is something that can help you value the days you have and the love you share more than you would have. Cherrish every day, because-even for the very healthy-life is very short.
    3985 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/8/2009 10:35:40 PM
    Yes it is hard to keep a positive attitude, I can vouch for that, but you have to for the sake of your family. I have hid my feelings from my DH many times this past year as I know he is hurting inside as well as I am. I will be keeping you in my prayers along with your family. I am glad you read my blog also. Tell your daughter to just remember that God is there watching over you and when he feels it is the right time you will get all you need.

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    God Bless
    3990 days ago
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