Learning to let go.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

My s2bx and I have been saying since this division between us came around that we are trying not to fight. She had a huge range of control over me. Its hard to explain and I let it happen. My dad said something to the effect of "Son, you are letting her control the situation you need to think before you respond to her. You responded like she still has control."
I have spend almost 16 years letting her run everything (finances, vacations, plans, everything). I thought I was doing the right thing being chivalrous essentially giving up my right to be an individual.
She is all about money, organization, family (her family) and security.
I am all about freedom, spontaneity, friends and family, and romance.
She blew up at me this weekend. I was planning on running while it was still light out which means I need to leave to take the kids back to her by 5PM (one hour to get to her and one hour to get home). I get home by 7PM and change and run. She informs me "our agreement" says I will have them back to her at 8PM (technically it says by 8PM, I didn't know at the time). So she has plans and cannot take them until 8PM. A semi-fight ensues because its just not right. I re-read our agreement looking back I caved and gave her everything she wanted - it very heavily favors her. It basically says I pick them up from her and deliver them back at 7PM except during summer when I return them by 8PM.
My dad says well if she is going to be precise about it - it doesn't actually say where you will get them or deliver them.
The whole sticking point is the "at 7PM" and the "by 8PM" and she has said the wording is fine and she doesn't want to change it. I replied (stupidly) that of course she doesn't want to change it because it favors her. Everything she does outside of the agreement she thinks is a favor for me.
/sigh I can't win sometimes. Not really sure how to fix this or just let it go.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You have been conditioned to say "yes ma'am" and "anything you want". But here's the beauty of your situation, friend.... you don't have to be like that anymore.
    I applaud you for trying to keep things civil and peaceful for the boys' sake. But don't let her walk all over you anymore.

    Have your lawyer review the documents...see if any of it can be changed. If it can...and if she's willing to sign the new one.. fantastic! If she isn't willing... then that will make it that much easier to say "NO" the next time she needs to make a schedule change or needs a favor.

    Face it, BadSector.... you're a person independant, loving father who made a decision to be happy in your life. It's not a crime. ;)

    Keep the faith.
    3430 days ago
  • no profile photo RAMONAFAY
    I have never understood why some people are like that--the control issue--But I have known my share of people like that. I have been married for thirty years and I can honestly say I have never wanted to control my husband like that. But his mother does, she is so manipulating. I hope I never develope that kind of personality.

    It sounds like you just don't want to make waves--you try to keep the peace. Unfortunately people use that against you. I have joined the team Freedom from codependence it is helping be to change and learn to say no and stand up for myself. I never wanted to hurt my mother-in-laws feelings--she didn't care if she hurt mine or anyone elses. You need to learn to stop the cycle--you matter too and so does your sons.

    It's time to get your life back! Make decisions that are best for you and your sons. She should not be able to control you any longer. My mother in law is quite confused by the change in me---I don't react to her any more and I refuse to let her plan my life and I have told my husband--she does not get to have that control over us any longer!

    Don't let others control you--learn how to take the control back!

    3430 days ago
    Wow, i can't imagine what the whole situation must be like. I would not give her the satisfaction of asking her for anything ever again. If its possible, have a relative watch the kids while you run or pay a neighbor of babysitting age to watch them for an hour or so while you go. I know there are some play date things in larger cities, or better yet (depending on the age of your kids) buy a joggin stroller (they make them in doubles) and run with them. They would love it and its probably something she wouldn't dare do with them. It looks like from your profile pic you have two boys, though i didn't look super closely so i appolgize if i am completely wrong, but i have a baby boy myself and he totally favors his daddy. i will have to fight forever for a place in his life that is as cool and exciting as that of his dads, so your vengence will come when they want to start being with you all the time. They will see someday how she is, just think of the day the three of you can sit aroung with a beer and complain about her together!
    3430 days ago
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