Why can't I believe that I deserve it?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

WARNING: Long and rambling blog post. Read at your own risk.

Sometimes I wish I could just pound my brain into submission. I know certain things are true, yet my brain just WILL NOT believe it. The big one being - I deserve a good life.

It's so ironic, being that I'm a yoga teacher who spends many hours studying, meditating and espousing the philosophy that we are already divine beings, who deserve a life filled with compassion, understanding and love. And I do believe this for everyone - except for me. ARGH!

It's why I constantly say "yes" to plans, to working late, to skipping things I'd been looking forward to in favor of what someone else wants to do, when I'd rather be saying "no." But somehow I think that if I say "no," then I'll lose my friend, job, whatever. I'm always setting the example that other people and their WANTS are more important than my own.

In investigating why I have this reflexive reaction, I realized that it stems from my experiences from about mid-college going forward.

I had some pretty selfish "friends" and roommates who would fly into a rage or not speak to me or move out when I was gone for an afternoon simply because they didn't enjoy or understand the different direction my life was going in, because we were no longer united in everything we did or liked or wanted. And because these reactions were so out of left field and so intense, I lived for years on eggshells, never knowing what would set someone off. And now I can't seem to relax and be myself around anyone - I'm too afraid that they will make fun of me, dislike me, or leave. It's like I'm scared to death of being seen as "selfish." LOL, maybe I've been doing TOO MUCH yoga!

Those experiences were quickly followed by some pretty nasty work experiences. I had what I thought at the time was a great mentor, someone who had offered to take me under their wing and show me the ropes in the tough world of magazine publishing. Not wanting to be a dissapointment, I stepped up to the plate again and again when I was asked to work nights, and weekends, and stay until 4 AM the night before we went to press. After 4 years of giving up my life, missing family visits and events, stressing myself to the point of exhaustion and health issues, I was asked to take on yet another magazine. And when I said I just couldn't do it...just like my "friends" before, I got turned on. Told I wasn't a team player, that I was lazy. I suddenly wasn't part of the team anymore. And when I gave my 2 MONTHS notice (in consideration of them so they wouldn't be left in a lurch without another pair of hands), I got trampled on. And on my last day of work, my "mentor" sat me down to tell me I was a dissapointment, and told to leave.

With my trust broken over and over, I somehow managed to feel like it was always all my fault. After all, I was the common denominator. And now, here I am, wishing I could believe that I deserved all the things I want so badly: friends, trust, being thin, having a good job and a good life, happiness. Yet somehow, I just don't. In my little pea brain, somewhere in those far corners, I'm still convinced that becuase I am "bad" I do not deserve any of these good things. So I always settle for less.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Believe it or not, writing about your feelings and perspective may be the best first step toward improvement that situation.

    I am grateful that you shared these thoughts and emotions with us. I hope this act serves as a release, a break of the chains holding you back, so that you can make progress.

    It is easy to make recommendations and suggestions. However, I believe you already know what you need to do to make things better. The light from within will guide you forth.

    Please know that you are not alone on this journey.

    Be well, dear friend!

    -= Victor =-

    3283 days ago
    Why is it that we women so often think that we don't deserve the good life? Keep up the good fight and the positive self-talk. You mention that you are a yoga instructor and as a complete aside I would like to say that the positive impact taking up the practice of yoga has had on my life is immeasurable - and its thanks to teachers like you that it has been so positive. Thank you for taking on the training and hard work required to become a yoga teacher and know that you are improving lives in sharing the practice. You will find your allies and friends, stay patient and Namaste.
    3289 days ago

    My heart goes out to you; I've felt (& am currently feeling) the same way. We are indeed beings of light. By taking care of ourselves first, we can better shine to the world around us.
    3290 days ago

    Keep working on it. I hope your "Aha!" moment arrives soon that you deserve everything you set your sights on. Or that you have your "Aha!" moment that you deserve all the good things that are already in your life right in front of you.
    3290 days ago
  • RENA1965
    Hi Junglista,
    You have to make "me time", I don't do well people whom throw temper tantrums and work appointments that invade my private life.. Real friends respect "hey sweetheart this time I am busy, can we do this at a later date or another day?" No one will thank you for running yourself down..
    I have ADHD and had to do some serious thinking, if I want my lifestyle change to work "me time" is necessary and has to be a must regularly..
    Now I have me time regularly I am a much happier mom to two ADHD teenagers.. I get every monday free while my youngest son is living with his foster family and my oldest son at school.. I do all the things I want on my permenant free day from work.. I work every third weekend so have to have a compulsory free day during the week.. I never tell anyone what I do, I go to the gym, take some sun, shower at my own pace and spoil myself with luxury cream and food of my choice that is not made in a hurry.. I sit in the park close my eyes and enjoy studying people from my ADHD autism world.. Just having the right to be me is enough to keep me on track.. I also go window shopping hunting for exciting workout outfits to my body building and have time much needed time efter years of caring for a dying husband and a very aggressive son. I was feeling suffociated and like a person lossing her identity, but times are getting better. hugs Rena..
    3290 days ago
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