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Not sure I am ready....pretty sure I am scared to be slim...again

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I was having a chat with a friend of mine today, and it seems we both experienced similar reactions from people when we were younger...or not THAT much younger, as it turns out.
And it made me realise this is the very reason I got fat, this is the very reason I stayed fat and got even fatter.

I did not fit the mould.

Pretty, people can cope with, and blonde helps build the whole image of the little flower pot.
Clever, people can accept, when it comes with some 'unfortunate' or at least 'bland' features.
Fit is ok too as long as you look like you suffer for it.

But fit, healthy, pretty and you are asking for trouble.

I was a blonde pretty and clever child who ran around all day and ate 3 reasonable meals a day because that's what people do.
I was a blonde pretty and clever girl who moved to the UK in 1994 , went to the gym, tried to resist the sugary and fatty temptations even when she was homesick, and went to the gym daily because it made her fell good and kept her in shape despite the aforementionned sugary temptations.

I was not skinny, I was a size 10 (UK) which for a 5'0 shorty is pretty healthy. But I felt fat because my body shape was different. Only now do I really understand that the thunderthighs are part of the hourglass figure of someone who played tennis lots and those shoulders are the remnants of swim team. But most of all, magazines lie, and the whole nation seems apple shape. My friends were the same but worse, slimmer, but more obssessed with losing weight.. the body image started to warp.

Met a boy, he could not cope with dating a PhD student. Met another one, I had great hopes, I thought he could cope, but I was wrong. I was miserable after he left, but nobody seemed to care: "what have you got to be down about" chimed one of my friends who happened to be male and overweight. That sealed it, I believe. That tiny idea began to crystallise in my head with the fact my overweight younger sister is the apple of my mum's eyes...

I began to grow.

Another year, new boyfriend, but he viewed me as a sister, a friend ,not a girlfriend.

3 years of never feeling sexy leaves a mark...a big one...and then he left.

By then I was in a job I did not like, surrounded by younger, prettier girls with amazing figures and better positions (for same qualifications) who could not relate, and struggling with money. To add to the mix a girl I befriended when we started in the job had taken to blackmailing the company and when I walked away from her she accused me of bullying her. That nearly cost me my job, despite all of it being fabricated. That DID cost me whatever selfesteem I had left (how can someone deliberatley hurt another person...i must really be worthless) and the trust I could ever put in people. But she had unwittingly open a small window of light onto my understanding of why my life had not turned out the way I planned.
She was a bland, bitter and introvert adult who believed her childhood had been traumatised by the pretty blond girls of this world who can get anything just by smiling.
I think I may have jokingly told her I was one of those, a lifetime ago.

But now I wonder: can I face being slim again. It scares me. I don't know if I can cope with jealous or competitve women, inappropriate men and the bimbo image. I am not sure I can let go of the fat shield that makes it all ok, that allows me to be sad, that makes people sympathetic (why wouldn't they...I am obese). One of my friends joked when I lost 2st 3 years ago 'that she would not be albe soon to be my friend anymore, because I'd be too pretty'

I feel lost, and terrified, yet I know for my health alone I need to do this.

But how will I explain to myself why I fail at life when I am not fat? For now, it hides every other aspect of my life (not married, out of a job, unfit, low self esteem) but what will happen when the blanket of fat has been lifted? Will I even be able to see me as pretty, as not fat? How will bf react...he's never known me slim (although he has seen pictures).

Will I stop feeling sick when I pass a reflective surface.

Sorry, it is a long cry from the positive last post ...must be hormonal.

Anyone else 'scared to be slim'?

Also, disclaimer...I honestly don't believe I was all that great younger, nor that I will be traffic-stopping fabulous...but if I was...what am I supposed to do with it?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Dear Knitting Frog and all of you lovely people out there,

    I have been meaning to come back to this blog entry and take my time to read through every comment and see what people had to say.

    If there is one thing I want to say about all this it's this: the most important changes in a person's weight loss journey are the ones no one can see on the outside, the most important changes happen within. And not necessarily at the same rhythm as on the scale or on the outside.

    When we start to really care about ourselves and make tough choices in the face of looming chocolate cake, when we start to say "no" because we really don't want that cake in our bodies, we become so strong, little by little or in leaps and bounds. We discover that we are not only in control, but that we can be proud of our choices, of our new, strong inner voice that consciously makes the choice to not eat that cake.

    One other thing I wanted to say: I try to not be hard on people who hurt me. I believe that when people are anything but supportive in something that you are passionate about, it rarely if ever has anything whatsoever to do with you. Your "change" if in mind or body simply sparks something that is lacking in them.

    And people change. Those who may be nasty or standoffish can transform, when their time comes. No one is moulded forever. So, I stand back from those people when they hurt me or discourage me (unfortunately I am not always strong enough to stay close) , and I wait and see. Sometimes they come around and recognize their nastiness, sometimes they end up being inspired and sometimes they stay rotten. I think they, like all of us, need nurturing and the right soil to grow in, if you will.

    Haven't any of you been mean before or am I the only one? I have been downright cruel to good friends, only my closest ones, in fact! In time, I have learned that I wasn't a bad person. I was simply rotten on the inside at that point in my life...I ended up explaining my behavior to my friends and making amends in most cases...

    P.S. For sure, people see us differently when we are skinny. But it is how we see ourselves that counts the most. If we see ourselves as hard-hearted, aloof or as a bimbo then that is what we are. But, if we see ourselves as healthy, beautiful and strong then *that* is what we are.

    4107 days ago
    Hi Knittingfrog, I am not scared to be slim...because slim was all I ever knew before cancer. I'm afraid of getting bigger. There was a time when I didn't know what double digit numbers were (size of clothing). I'm a size 12 and longing to get back to a size 6.

    I remember a quote from weight watchers "Nothing taste as good as skinny." Nothing taste or feel as good as skinny. Just this morning I was complaining about my ankles hurt from walking.

    You are in the right place to get all the support that you will need. You can do it. Keep the faith. Be Blessed.......Peace
    4112 days ago
    i don't know how to help you with your self esteem issues. But I do want to tell you something. You are beautiful. I think you should try not to let your insecurities undermine your weight loss efforts. I think that instead of trying to fit this mold that you speak of. You should just get better friends. LOL Okay, I know that's not always possible. But I do think that you should maybe read up on self esteem or find someone who actually knows something about it and try to get yourself "passed" this point. I look at your picture and I see a very attractive young lady. Now, I'm not trying to be weird here. I just think that anyone who judges you otherwise because of your weight: they are the one with the problem. Well, like I said, I don't really know anything about how to really help you with your self esteem. I have days when I wonder what people think about my big fat stomach. I know it's nasty. But ever since I was a teenager battling all those gross zits (I was covered with them), I have held firmly to the belief that if someone didn't like the way I looked, they could just take a hike. I was skinny then, very skinny. But I decided that people could make fun of my complexion all they wanted. I knew it was them that had the problem. If they didn't want to take the time to get past my appearance and get to know ME, it was their loss. So, I'm just trying to say, do it for yourself, for your health. Never give in to your fear. You can do this.

    4112 days ago
    It is so important dealing with this underneath the surface stuff. You are doing yourself a big favour by facing up to these q questions now.
    4113 days ago
    Oh, I can relate. While I was never really chubby, I was always big and tall. When I lost weight, one of the local merchants - teasingly - said, "You aren't so intimidating anymore." Because I am a competitive person, it struck me that I had lost more than pounds. I wasn't so sure that my personality would need to adjust to the changes, too!


    Keep in mind, though, that all of these changes are part of the journey. It may be that you need to adjust... learn... grow... accept... insert dynamic verb here. But you CAN do it; we can all do it, if we allow ourselves the chance to try it out.

    Good luck and keep us informed! ~ Trish
    4113 days ago
    I enjoyed reading your blog. I can sort of understand what you are saying. I have never been skinny and beautiful but about 4 years ago I was at my smallest, around 135lbs. I noticed how men took notice to me, were nicer to me and stared at me when they didn't before (I work with the public so I see a lot of people every day). I didn't like it. I just wanted to be one of the guys, especially since I grew up as a tom-boy. I have no intention of being some sexy kitten, that just isn't who I am, but at times when I look to the future, being thin doesn't seem so great. But in the long run, I am doing this for me, not so someone can see me as eye-candy. Hang in there and good luck! emoticon
    4113 days ago
    It is refreshing to see some one actually admit that they are worried about being attractive. There are many pressures that come along with that. In some ways, being overweight is l;ike a security blanket that you can hide behind. I remember a moment in time when I had the thought..."if I were fat, I wouldn't have to deal with this"...and then I seemed to start gaining. A self fulfilling prophecy, I guess. It is a shame that it does not work so easily the other way....
    Just remember that you are who you are, regardless of your weight and that you can work through the challenges of being slim, as they come.
    4113 days ago
  • KARVY09
    I can't relate to you specifically, as I've been overweight since a toddler, but I can understand. There are times when I thought that being fat was good because it meant that any man who was interested in me was interested in ME, and not just a hot body. I've met women who said that being thin is tough because people presume you are either 1) mean; 2) aloof, or 3) dumb. And I believe that. People tell you that you have no right to complain because you are thin and pretty, but in actuality, everybody has their own problems no matter what size they are, and it's not right to begrudge people an outlet.

    Think about this: you're older and wiser, and beyond office politics and the petty competitive wranglings of younger women. Whether chubby or slim, you are the same person. You're doing this to feel better about yourself and for your health. If a person decides to drop you as a friend because of your weight (fat or thin), that shallow person wasn't worth it in the first place.

    I know you have the strength to stay on track towards your goal and let go of your painful past. Big hugs and lots of support!

    4113 days ago
    Hi Knittingfrog....
    Asa woman who is probably about 20 years older than you, this was such a sad post. It brought back a lot of memories from a similar time period in my life.

    Can I serve as a little "time machine" for you? Perhaps if you change your frame of reference, not thinking about how you are going to be "slim" Instead, focus on the things you noted in your previous post: How good it feels to be healthy! And that can only be good for all of the other things you are working toward right now.

    Also...what you are doing is for you and you alone. It is okay to be totally self-referenced in working toward your goals.. It is not about other people and their reactions to you. The only competition you are in is the one with be the healthiest all around person you can be. If other people react poorly to your progress, it says more about them than it does about you. (And what that says about them isn't very nice.)

    Go for it! You are an amazing person who deserves to live your dreams.
    4113 days ago
  • KYREE90
    Wow. I'm not sure what to say.

    I do know, having lost 110 pounds on Atkins, that being thin won't make the problems go away. For me, I did find more confidence — and a boyfriend — once I'd lost the weight. (Then I regained weight when I started eating carbs and the discovering the boyfriend liked to watch me eat — but not good-for-me foods like salad. He liked seeing me eat mashed potatoes and chocolate cake ...)

    I felt prettier, funnier and more successful at the lower weight ... but in reality, I was the same old me. Maybe I was a little more outgoing because I wasn't worried about being rejected because of my weight. But I was still essentially the same person.
    4113 days ago
    I understand totally and don't think you were hormonal at all - just honest! I was not as pretty as you but close, athletic and smart. You're exactly right - people are threatened by one of those, much less all of them. I decided to quit worrying about the looks and if my friends are threatened instead of proud and happy for me and my healthy lifestyle, then I figured they weren't very good friends after all.

    I'm more worried of who I will remain being (unhappy, unfulfilled, etc.) while I am fat than the new/remembered person I will be once I am thin. So far, it's been a good journey for the most part.

    Best wishes for you and keep pushing forward!
    4113 days ago
    I am scared to be slim too... I have had four kids and my skin doesn't pull together anymore. I have stretch marks I'm afraid would only get worse. Every time I lose weight it seems I only lose it from my breasts! My husband a self proclaimed "boob guy" might never look at me again if I lost enough weight to not be obese anymore but had deflated chest... I am afraid if I lose weight I will lose everything that matters to me. And if I don't lose the weight? My daughter came home from third grade and told me I was a fat cow - something the other girls in her class with supermodel moms told her. I want to walk by a mirror without cringing. Maybe that is just asking too much? I have never been skinny maybe I'm not supposed to be? I still try but that feeling of doom hangs over no matter what I do...
    4113 days ago
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