Not sure I am ready....pretty sure I am scared to be slim...again
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I was having a chat with a friend of mine today, and it seems we both experienced similar reactions from people when we were younger...or not THAT much younger, as it turns out.
And it made me realise this is the very reason I got fat, this is the very reason I stayed fat and got even fatter.
I did not fit the mould.
Pretty, people can cope with, and blonde helps build the whole image of the little flower pot.
Clever, people can accept, when it comes with some 'unfortunate' or at least 'bland' features.
Fit is ok too as long as you look like you suffer for it.
But fit, healthy, pretty and clever...now you are asking for trouble.
I was a blonde pretty and clever child who ran around all day and ate 3 reasonable meals a day because that's what people do.
I was a blonde pretty and clever girl who moved to the UK in 1994 , went to the gym, tried to resist the sugary and fatty temptations even when she was homesick, and went to the gym daily because it made her fell good and kept her in shape despite the aforementionned sugary temptations.
I was not skinny, I was a size 10 (UK) which for a 5'0 shorty is pretty healthy. But I felt fat because my body shape was different. Only now do I really understand that the thunderthighs are part of the hourglass figure of someone who played tennis lots and those shoulders are the remnants of swim team. But most of all, magazines lie, and the whole nation seems apple shape. My friends were the same but worse, slimmer, but more obssessed with losing weight.. the body image started to warp.
Met a boy, he could not cope with dating a PhD student. Met another one, I had great hopes, I thought he could cope, but I was wrong. I was miserable after he left, but nobody seemed to care: "what have you got to be down about" chimed one of my friends who happened to be male and overweight. That sealed it, I believe. That tiny idea began to crystallise in my head with the fact my overweight younger sister is the apple of my mum's eyes...
I began to grow.
Another year, new boyfriend, but he viewed me as a sister, a friend ,not a girlfriend.
3 years of never feeling sexy leaves a mark...a big one...and then he left.
By then I was in a job I did not like, surrounded by younger, prettier girls with amazing figures and better positions (for same qualifications) who could not relate, and struggling with money. To add to the mix a girl I befriended when we started in the job had taken to blackmailing the company and when I walked away from her she accused me of bullying her. That nearly cost me my job, despite all of it being fabricated. That DID cost me whatever selfesteem I had left (how can someone deliberatley hurt another person...i must really be worthless) and the trust I could ever put in people. But she had unwittingly open a small window of light onto my understanding of why my life had not turned out the way I planned.
She was a bland, bitter and introvert adult who believed her childhood had been traumatised by the pretty blond girls of this world who can get anything just by smiling.
I think I may have jokingly told her I was one of those, a lifetime ago.
But now I wonder: can I face being slim again. It scares me. I don't know if I can cope with jealous or competitve women, inappropriate men and the bimbo image. I am not sure I can let go of the fat shield that makes it all ok, that allows me to be sad, that makes people sympathetic (why wouldn't they...I am obese). One of my friends joked when I lost 2st 3 years ago 'that she would not be albe soon to be my friend anymore, because I'd be too pretty'
I feel lost, and terrified, yet I know for my health alone I need to do this.
But how will I explain to myself why I fail at life when I am not fat? For now, it hides every other aspect of my life (not married, out of a job, unfit, low self esteem) but what will happen when the blanket of fat has been lifted? Will I even be able to see me as pretty, as not fat? How will bf react...he's never known me slim (although he has seen pictures).
Will I stop feeling sick when I pass a reflective surface.
Sorry, it is a long cry from the positive last post ...must be hormonal.
Anyone else 'scared to be slim'?
Also, disclaimer...I honestly don't believe I was all that great younger, nor that I will be traffic-stopping fabulous...but if I was...what am I supposed to do with it?