Friday, June 12, 2009
When you are overweight I think it becomes so easy to look at life through "fat goggles". You look at people in terms of whether they are big or small. You think about things you can and can't do "because I'm fat". You think about people you can and can't date "because I'm fat". It's something that I think everyone who's ever been overweight understands and people who have never struggled with weight can't even comprehend. It's a dangerous game - one that can easily consume you and make you a very miserable person.
What I've learned in the last year is that those goggles are maybe even harder to lose than the extra pounds. It's still really easy to look at things in terms of fat and skinny, no matter what side you're on. Somewhere inside there's still the "fat" me. I still think in terms of what I can and can't do. Celebration of your success seems to only last so long before the old feelings and insecurities creep back in.
Then the really scary thing hits me...I still think I AM fat. How can that be? All the pounds I've let go and lifestyle changes I've made...and all I can think about is how far I have to go & how the heck I'm going to keep it all together. It's the fat goggles in me coming out. Seeing everything in terms of what I've gained, what I could lose & what I have yet to get.
So that brings me to last night at the gym. The "normal sized" woman next to me is giving half effort on the treadmill complaining about how many pounds she's gained. All I can think is how I'd kill to look like her...and how much longer I have to get there. I listen to her complain about jean shopping - and the smallest size she could get her "big" thighs into the last time she went to the store - and how she could barely zip them - and - wait! That's my size she's complaining about - actually that's the size I'm still wearing until I can phase out my wardrobe and buy the next small size which I already fit into. Is it possible? Am I acutally SMALLER than the normal girl????
That's when I realize the fat goggles are getting the best of me again. I'm judging others & judging myself based on arbitrary numbers and percieved standards. It's time to realize I am fabulous just the way I am. It's time to realize that fat doesn't rule the world.
So here's the deal...maybe I'll never think about myself as the skinny girl. Maybe I'll always have those fat goggles on - thinking in terms of cans and cannots. Or maybe...best of all...I'll just stop thinking so much...life is so much better that way!