Xiphosura, Xanax, Xerox

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Xiphosura (King Crab)... the only kind of crab that a PRINCESS will eat... ya know the royalty stuff.... so wish I really did have Knights to worship me, a King to support me, a Castle to protect me... BUT it seems that life is a process that I must participate in regardless of my wishes. I have no shell into which I can successfully hide.. LIFE is profund... it will continue to poke, pester and prompt me to be real... and reality is major OUCH.....

Xanax... yep, I 'fess up that I have resorted to Xanax to help me function as I deal with some major life-changing events... my brain over-reacts to events in my life... and I start to hold my breath and it is not a good feeling. I am exercising and eating correctly---when I remember to eat... Major Anemia issues happening but the real issue now is --- my nest is almost empty... I really don't like this prospect!!!!

Xerox... If I could xerox my life's events...what would I xerox??? Would I keep my babies dependent upon me in order to give my life meaning-- robbing them of their own desires, goals and completion of their life's purpose--- honestly I would... I need to protect them-- I need to be in control so that I can keep them safe... trusting them to succeed in the face of life's challenges IS NOT FUN... but I must accept ...Major OUCH... I must let them go so that I can continue to polish my own life's purpose... My attempt to deny life's events ain't working.... OK, OK, OK, I tell myself... I am able and capable... I will live my life... for better or worse...

many blessings to all.....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I totally agree with you on the xanax thing....i use it too. it's a wonderful "quick fix" drug. I helps me cope so much easier than just with my prozac....Hope you are doing better :)
    3767 days ago
    Natural. Not fun. Nurture you!
    3857 days ago
    It constantly amazes me to be reading about your insecurities, as I see you as a very strong and inspiring woman making her mark on the world.

    Don't look now, but the work you have done in the past, has left a profound and inspiring wake behind you.
    You have help so many that have been left forsaken and given more challenges in their life that most of us can not even imagine.
    You are inspirational, You are unique, You are amazing.

    So worry not, as I am certain that you are like the beautiful pheonix, and will reimerge to triumph and brilliantly shine, from the remains of the ashes of your former role as Mother/Caretaker.
    You may just be temporary suffering from the whiplash of changing gears right now. I believe you will be OK.
    I for one, know that you are destined for greatness, and happiness, as I have seen it in your palm.

    3887 days ago
    ok princess
    i am currently watching outside in the gourd nest and little swallows are building that nest for however many little birdlets they can produce this season the little male think is perched top of the umbrella out and the the mouth is moving a mile a minute and he's either supervising or singing wonderful songs to that little bird who finally found my stash of little thread pieces from stitching and it will add lots of color and softness to that nest LOL life does go on and that bird nest is in a place where it can't be invaded but is providing lots of entertainment for the kitties behind the window and they seem to know those cats aren't anywhere near coming out
    anyway your life will go on and it will be much more interesting for sure yeah you will worry constantly the rest of your life but i some places the children never had a home and certainly not as interesting a life as their own mother provided for them and that will go far in their grasp for the future to know they don't have to fit any mold to be a wonderful success love you bunches my princess (and let's face it for you being a princess is a reality just as me being your lady mary) hugs the lady mary emoticon
    3932 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/23/2009 11:32:58 AM
    I have been going through this process for over 7 years and it is very hard at times. We are down to one at home but have had life at home alone when he was away at college. I can't say it was 100% a bad thing. emoticon if you get my drift. I am frustrated having to try to organize Christmas Dinners, Forth of July gatherings etc. because now I must (and should) share. I have gotten less in control and it is hard at times to have lost the control of just being able to say Christmas Dinner will be on Christmas Eve this year...must coordinate with 2 out of three kids who now have their own families and in-laws. I wishfully hope that the transition is as easy for you as it was for me. I had the world's worst controlling mom, still do, but I learned by what I didn't like that my mom did so I do not impose my wishes on my kids. It never hurts to be honest and ask though.

    PS I take Zanax too...everynight to help me sleep and PRN. Wish I could help more. Thanks for the honest and heartfelt blog.

    Love ya
    3932 days ago

    Facing fears.... seems to be your life theme at the moment in different ways. Facing the fear of losing your identity with your children growing up.... fear of riding your bike again.... and fear of not being in control. FEAR is in control right now and by facing it, you can reclaim yourself. Tough thing to do, I know, but I believe in you. You are a strong and capable woman. You can overcome these things.... if you believe in yourself.

    It's time to kick FEARS butt!!!! You can do it!!
    3932 days ago
  • FITKAT2010
    I wish you more of the same. It does get easier, only when you let go of the drama. When you stop and realize you are going in circles and keeping yourself dizzy, you may decide to stop it, or maybe not.

    Love you regardless.

    3932 days ago
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