Tuesday, May 19, 2009
it seems as if my whole life, i placed the blame on everyone in my life for different transgressions... gradually i learned to take responisbility for my own actions. That took time and alot of self realization and basically alot of growing up to do. It's me who has an eating problem... i decided to grow up before my time... i didn't visit my aunt as much as I should've while she was dieing in the hospital of cancer.. i couldn't bear to see her like that. the worst feeling in the world is seeing others wround you suffer and not being able to do anything about it.. however I had no problem, me being the perfectionalist that i am, quickly placing th eblame on others when they did wrong.. i had no problem holding a grudge being bitter, and ultimately miserable. i had no problem pointing the finger at my dad for him being an inadequate father for most of my life.. i had no problem blaiming him for leaving me to care for my sickly mother.. i had no problem being angry with my mother for not accepting her disease.. for not wanting her to push through it and not be the fighter i've always known her to be.. i had no problem placing the blame on everyone.. i quit my job becaus ethe boss was a jerk..... or i decided to leave because i just couldn't take it at home anymore... i blew my chances with a really nice guy because he was being too nice and that was suspicious.. or because he was "boring" i couldn't finish college because no one would cosign on a loan for me.............I eat because i'm sad. i eat because i'm angry.. i eat because i'm lonely.. i eat because i'm miserable.. and the scariest part is... somtimes i dont even realize i'm eating alot until i take a look at the after effects... its like i do it blindly.. or i start to quit smoking and all of a sudden i get stressed buy a carton and more than half the carton is finished at the end of the day... and i cant sleep because my chest feels too congested to even lay down... i cant even lay down without coughing! and the next day.. i dont workout.. because i just dont feel like it... as far as i'm concerned i failed myself...... i admit it i did it tomyself.. but why?
today i realize something.... the bible says we must forgive to be forgiven.. .and i thought that i had forgiven everyone who had hurt me. i had gone to counseling.. sought out a therapist.. and i realized each cobweb that i cleared out of my closet kept reappearing and i couldn't understand why.. if I forgive them why do i still feel this way? why am i still eating like this.. why do i have issues with seing my mom in the hospital.. whats wrong with me? i forgot to forgive the most viable person in my life -me. it took me 21 years to realize this notion.. that if i could just learn to FORGIVE myself maybe things wouldn't be as hard.. but i dunno how.. i dunno where to start. i guess forgiving myself is apart of taking responsibility for my actions.. its apart of growin up.. but i'm so confused on where to start.. who o call on.. where to go? my aunt is blind from diabetes.. my grandmother has congestive heart failure and diabetes my mother MS and diabetes... my grandfather died of diabetes.. i dont want that to be me.. and i'm searching for where to start on this whole forgiveness spectrum