Wednesday, May 06, 2009
This blog is more of an affirmination needed for myself than anything, and something I can look back on when I need to.
Lately I have been having one of those 'blah' days for the last several days. I've been sticking to my workout routine and eating right, but my weight loss has been really starting to slow--to like around 2lbs a week and I am just starting to get bummed that I am not going to meet my goals by the dates I have set out.
I don't want to go back on my goals and change the dates I have set out, but at the same time I don't want to get down on myself for the amazing progress I am making by focusing on the minor imperfections I am not achieving.
Okay, so where I am today then I was 4 months ago. First off I am 1/3 of the way to my goal. Saying I need to lose 235lbs--a whole overweight person---is a very daunting task, and something that I can feel hopeless with at times. Okay, so I've lost 80lbs (by next weigh in +). So what, now I need to lose 155lbs---an average weight person----is this doable, you bet! Can I achieve it overnight, no way...did I gain this weight overnight? Well although it may feel like it at times, no I didn't. I developed bad habits slowly and I let the weight pile up far to high before taking control.
When I think back to my fitness I think of this.
There is one building in my school were most of my education classes are held, and it is a 3 story building, fairly old, with steep stairs and just 1 really old elevator meant really for just those with physical disabilities. I would dread if my class was on the 3rd floor. Like I actually couldn't make it up 2 flights of stairs without stopping to rest. As embarassing as it is to say I would have to take the elevator, or go up one flight on one staircase, walk down the hallway to catch my breath, then go up the 2nd flight on another stairway.
How bad is that? the first day I went to the gym I was panting walking laps around the track. I was doing 5 minutes on the elliptical at level 1, and struggling with a heart rate of 180! Now I will do an hour on the elliptical at level 17, keeping a 155 HR! Sweating, working hard, and feeling oh so good afterwards.
So why am I still so damn disappointed with myself? Honestly like why can't I just be happy? Well the one thing is that when I look at myself I still can't believe how fat I am. It feels so weird to say, but even after losing 80lbs I don't feel like this is me in my body. I guess I have gained this weight so rapidly that I still have internal images of myself as a bigger, but healthy good looking 16 year old kid. Well I'm all grown up now, and I feel like I am still just so, out of control fat.
I will say that people are telling me I look thinner now, but its almost embarassing to hear that just because I feel like wow--you are still fatter then you were 2 years ago, and thats after losing 80lbs! Who gains 100lbs in 2 years? Honestly? Well I did, and its embarassing, but it happened!
Am I perfect? No. But I will say I probably have a bad day 1 day a month. So if I can stay on track 29 days out of 30, thats pretty damn good.
I ain't going nowhere--I'm in this for the long haul. If I don't make my 'goal dates' I set out for myself then so what, I'm not going to be upset with myself if I ONLY lose 95 pounds in the first 6 months, and not the 100 I set out to do.
I can do this, I am doing this, and I will do this!
If your reading this CHRIS just remember, 'what have you done already?'...ya--WOW--you can so do this so just sit back and enjoy the ride!