Sunday, April 19, 2009
Argh. On paper, I am a very healthy looking person. I eat right, I exercise, I take vitamins, I track it all to make sure there are healthy levels of things going in and out of my body, I weigh/measure once a week, etc. I even let myself go crazy when social events mandate overeating, which may or may not be healthy.
HOWEVER I do all this religiously and I am always always ALWAYS thinking about food! When I am eating, I really enjoy my meal. But it's always over too quickly and then I am planning my next meal. For the most part, I wait an appropriate amount of time and then eat a healthy meal, but I THINK ABOUT IT for the whole time in between. I'm a little worried that food and exercise and a "healthy lifestyle" have become the main thing in my life. I still go out, I talk to people, I go to school, but during all of these things I think about food and how I can keep up with my plan. If there is something that might mess it up I avoid it. Like parties. I would rather not go to parties because I know I won't be able to restrain myself. So I don't put the temptation in front of me.
But then I'm missing out on social things that I might otherwise enjoy. I should also say that I'm just not a party animal - I don't like staying out late, and if the party in question was a nice dinner I would probably go to that and just try and find something not TOO bad on the menu.
But regardless of what my habits are, I still feel that what I value most is "winning" the game of planning and tracking and exercising and eating right. It's not that I don't have other goals, but it feels like these days they can fall behind my ULTIMATE GOAL of being a healthy person. Which I don't think is healthy. I think this might be a control issue. My other goals in life are up to other people to some extent, but I know I can control this.
Just wanted to vent. I'm worried that even when I reach my goal I won't be able to stop this!