Do Not Read If you can't handle TMI

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Ok, where do I start......

Oct. 2007 my hubby lost his job. We lost everything. Our dream home, both cars, and most of our dignity. We moved in with MIL, wasn't bad but hard to do. He got a job in March 08 but we were so far behind and none of the bill collectors cared to work with us. So with him making half of what he had made before we filed bankruptcy. Talk about hitting rock bottom. He had a friend who really wanted to help (it was nice) and they let us rent their house with the intent to buy. It has been he** every since. Now they are pushing us to buy and we can't afford the payment as is it. I told them before we moved in that we can't afford it and they said they would work with us. Against my better judgment I moved in mostly to get out of MIL house. Now, every time I try to make things work we are neg. in the bank. We haven't had food in days and you all know it's hard when you cant feed the kids. So this is problem #1. We should not have moved in here and we need to get out, but then we loose the chance to buy. I really don't want to move again. I was moved a lot when I was young and I promised I would never do this to my kids. And here we are thinking of moving again. Except with the bankruptcy hanging over our heads, it will be difficult.

My #2 problem is what to do about my career. I'm trying to get into the nursing program and only have one more biology class before I can apply. The problem is that with this CNA class I'm wondering if I'm wasting my time. I don't know if I can do this. If I get into the nursing program all of the classes are during the day. I have no one to take care of my daughter and with money so tight now, I could not afford day care. If i take a break, I lose all chances of getting financial aid. Than I have to pay for everything on my own. I know student loans are possible, but not looking forward to getting back in debt.

Problem #3. Christy and Nessa cover your eyes, Don't ask me why but I'm wanted another baby. I was done. I had my son and daughter. I know we cant afford another and I don't have time, so why am I wanting one so badly????? I don't want to want to have another baby. It's crazy and I keep praying for these feelings to go away, but they are just getting stronger. To top it all of, if we wanted to have another it might just be impossible. You see, hubby had diabetes and his mechanics has been down for many years now. The pretty blue pills are so darn expensive that we have given up hope to ever have that back. Which leads me to my next problem.

Problem #4. I NEED S#X I'm going crazy. I don't know how long any person can go without being touched, but I've past my point. That's all I'm going to say about this problem.

So my problems keep going back to money. But it's mostly because I'm not sure what to do. I've tried to pray and be open minded and know I'm not in charge. But we are just not making it and I just don't know what to do. Do we need to let go of this home and hope it's the right thing? Or do we fight? I am so stressed and getting through each day has been so hard. I'm trying not to cry but it is hard. I don't feel like there is enough time for my kids, but am afraid that if I don't plan for the future, I could be in more trouble. With my hubby having his problems, I worry all the time that he wont make it much longer. I haven't had a job in 7 years, who is going to give me a job? And one that I can take care of my family with?

Well that is most of my issues. The rest come from daily living that is added to everything else. House cleaning, raising good kids, and being a good wife. And on top of everything..... I need to start living a healthy life. I'm not losing this weight to look good in some jeans, but so I can be here for my kids. I was on my own road to diabetes and high cholesterol. I have got to change. And I have no idea how to do this. I've never eaten healthy in my life. And the price of this food kills me. I don't want to teach my kids the wrong lifestyle.

Ok, I'm going to stop now. Thank you to all who are taking the time to read this and who have been here to support me. I'm so glad I have such a wonderful team! Thank you Purple Pound Punchers!
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    I have nothing to add except I'm a @^@#%@ friend because I never saw this blog and didn't know all this was going on :-( I'm sorry! You always seem so upbeat, I didn't even realize how bad things were.

    I hope they're a little better now? I hope you don't think this means I'll let you reach 199 before me out of pity - because I'M NOT! :-)

    Seriously - everyone gave fantastic advice and information, I have nothing to add. We'll just make our CA trip as economical as possible, and I'm just glad you're able to come. The break if nothing else will be nice.
    4472 days ago
    Tricia -- Well, I'm pretty late to this discussion (blame my MIL) and I don't have much to add to the excellent advice you've gotten from our other Purple Pals. You have so much to be dealing with right now, and I'm sure it must feel overwhelming most of the time. Plus, if you're like me, you try and concentrate on solving one problem, but you get distracted by the other problems, so you feel like you're just spinning in place.

    The only thing I can add that hasn't been said below is to check with some daycares in your area about scholarships. As you know, DH is a minister, and our church has a daycare. In addition to taking in kids on state aid (and you should see if you qualify for that), the church has a scholarship program. I know you would qualify here because the people who make the decision about it are especially anxious to help parents who are going to school and putting in effort to improve their situation. I doubt the commercial daycares offer that (although it never hurts to ask), but I'll bet the church-run daycares in your area do. And you don't have to be a member of the church. We only have one or two kids in our daycare from our church. Most of them are from the neighborhood.

    And if you're considering taking a job at a daycare, check around about benefits. For example, our daycare gives employees totally free care for the first child and half off for the second. Other daycares around here give 20 percent off all the kids. You won't get rich working in a daycare (yes, you should be able to because it's such important work, but if salaries for daycare teachers go up, the price for daycare goes up and nobody can afford it). If you decide to pursue any of this, I'll be glad to help in any way I can.

    HUGS! -- Ridic
    4494 days ago

    You have so much on your plate. Thank goodness for the PPP's. I don't know that I have anything "new" to add to the responses. I agree wholeheartedly with everything this wise group of women have said. I do think that you should either negotiate a rent you can more easily afford or move to a place that is affordable for your family. Money stress affects everyone - including the kids and your sex life. I think the effects of the money stress might be worse than the stress & change that comes from moving your family to an affordable home.

    And, I think the daycare idea is a great one. I was also wondering if your college has daycare for the children of students? I think those can sometimes be very reasonable. What if you could work at their daycare & somehow get free or reduced tuition as a college employee????

    I'm glad you joined the BLC challenge & the PPP's. We are here to support you as you figure out what decisions are best for your family right now. Just because you choose something today, doesn't mean it has to be permanent (whether it's you taking a temporary job or moving to a more affordable rental). Just think, when your kids are in school and you have your nursing degree, your family will be in a much better place financially and that might be the right time for you to consider buying a home....


    4494 days ago
    Tricia, for one let me apologize for it taking me so long to reply!!!

    Problem #1 is one we're all facing. I think the advice others have given you is great. Try to talk to the landlord. You can't afford to buy, period. If they want someone paying the rent, they can let you stay, if not, by all means move! I understand your feelings about moving the kids often, but it's not like you're moving towns or cities. Would CJ even have to switch schools if you moved?? I don't think he would so it really wouldn't make that much of a difference to them. Don't worry about losing the chance to buy. Your day will come again but for now I think you just need to focus on having a place you can afford, whether you own it or not.

    I 100% agree with Christy. You need to do something about your sister and brother. (And I apologize to GG if you read this......this is nothing personal against you!) Your brother has been getting free babysitting for far too long. I understand you want to help, but you have to think about yourselves. Figure out a price that works for both of you. Tell him to find out what he would be paying elsewhere and charge him half of that! You both win. He's getting one heck of a discount and you're getting the financial pay you deserve for the work that you are doing. Your sister is one-fifth of your household. Figure out one-fifth of all of the bills! She could be paying 1/5 of the rent and utilities. That is still way cheaper than she would have to pay living on her own, so you would still be helping her out tremendously, but it wouldn't be so much of a financial burden on you.

    #2. I think Lib gave great advice on this one! See if you can find something part time at a day care place. With your background that should be no problem....regardless of how long it's been since you were in the workforce. Then you could still go to school part time and have the day care for Sara. I don't think you should quit. I've seen how excited you get when you talk about what you've learned there. I think you should fight for this. School loans are lousy, but it just might be worth it. But I think you should not take any time off of school if it's at all possible.

    #3 I was pretty shocked at that one when you told me! After telling us for years how crazy we were for having 3 kids and knowing how much you hate being pregnant and hate the diapers, etc. I think it's mostly just that we are women and that is what we're made for. I don't think there will ever be a time in our lives when we are completely 100% done with the THOUGHT of having children. That doesn't mean we should have more. I think that you should wait 6 months and re evaluate like Christy said. It could be because your birthday's coming could be partly because Christy and I both have 3 so maybe a part of you feels like you should to. I don't know exactly why you're wanting more. But wait it out and see if the feeling gets less severe.

    #4. My answer to this will be TMI for sure, so if anyone is sensitive to that, they need to scroll down and not read this part.
    Christy nailed it on the head (and I've said it for years too). If Cris loves you he will meet YOUR needs in that department no matter what. I understand about the pills, but there are other ways. He should be doing all he can to make sure that you are as satisfied as you can be. There is oral, or he's got HANDS for goodness sakes! When's the last time you guys just made out? Pretend like your back in junior high and go for some over the clothes stuff. S@x is not the only way to be intimate and you guys need to figure out a different way. Just because he has problems there does NOT mean that he can go forever without touching you!!! That's inexcusable! Talk to him about it. It's time for him to be completely unselfish and cater to YOU!

    On a side note though. Perhaps you should reign in talking about the situation around us. I know that he knows we women talk. I'm not saying to not talk to us about it anymore....but maybe not when the guys are around. I'm sure it makes him feel bad when you mention things like that in front of Nathan and Jesus. And that might just go farther into making the problem even worse.

    Anyway, I hope I've helped in some way. You know I'm always here for you.
    4494 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/6/2009 1:11:06 PM
    Sham, honey, you KNOW I have 2 cents about everything or I would not be me! ok, so let's look at #1...right now, the housing market is SH*T! You need to pull up your bra straps (boot straps sounds manly, so we'll use bra straps) and talk to your landlord. While I understand that they want y'all to buy, you CAN'T do that right now and I say if they can't renegociate (sp?) with you and hubby, MOVE...It sucks for the kids BUT you move somewhere you can afford and a lot of your money troubles get better. Try to go for the renegotiation first and then if that fails, start looking but let them know you're looking so they have a chance to reconsider the offer....Ok so on #2, While I understand your desire is to be a nurse, why don't you get a lil jobby-job at a daycare? You could still do your studies, you'll get discounted, if not free daycare and your little snotblossoms can socialize with friends at the same time. #3, I wish I could help with this one but my clock is ticking so loud, I think it just got in sync with yours! LOL #4, Remember, and I know I'm not married, yada yada yada, but y'all made a commitment to each other and God. What friends do you have with health insurance that could get you and hubby some blue pills, cialis or levitra???? Come on, think of someone with health insurance....LIBERTY has health insurance! You think I won't go to the doctor and ask for one eyed willie pills, hell I will! You let me know how to proceed. I know it's easier to fix others' problems but I'll keep y'all in my prayers......Oh, and what if I bought you a lil purple toy???? Would you give me your addy so I could send it right along?
    4494 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/6/2009 10:25:52 AM
  • SANDY1962
    Hi Tricia - I just read your blog and want to send you a whole bunch of hugs!

    I have one thought for you on Problem #1 - in this housing slump, I can't imagine your friend/landlord would have much luck renting or selling to anyone else. People everywhere are re-negotiating rents lower and many landlords are happy to have anyone paying rent these days. Could you talk to your friend/landlord and tell him you are thinking of moving out because you can't afford it and see how he responds? It's also possible he might be willing to sell it for less than you might have agreed upon before the housing crisis and with interest rates low you might be able to afford it. But, whatever you do, don't get in over your head.

    Remember we are here for you...and it's never TMI.

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    4495 days ago
    emoticon TMI Posted Here!

    Girl I am going to start with you needing the S$X. From having a drunk A#$husband. I don't get alot of affection. SO all I have to say is get you a VIB! and go for it. Even those cheap massagers work. Trust me you may even like it better:) I know it may not be the same, but it can relieve some of the stress on you.

    About the house, I would move. Simple as that. Even if it was back in MIL I would do it. That would give you time to save up some money.

    everyone else said the rest that I feel

    Good Luck!
    4495 days ago
    Hi, Tricia,

    Your blog caught my eye and I hope you don't mind my responding.

    You are absolutely in a very difficult place in your life right now, no other way to express it! You and your husband have your health, although your husband is dealing with his diabetes issues, but at least he is healthy enough to work, which is a blessing. You've got a lot of emotional issues battling at you right now, and it really does make sense that you're feeling the desire to have another child. That is what a woman's body was designed to do. Don't beat yourself up for feeling those feelings. There is nothing wrong with that. Recognizing that it is a normal part of being a woman to want to have children may help take some of the stress out of your life. It sounds as if things are in such a state right now that having another child is not something that is going to happe right now, just because of the stress in your life so maybe you can rest in knowing that God will let that happen if He determines it is what is supposed to happen in your life.

    I would suggest you take a look at He has the most practical, down to earth, understandable approach to money management, and living debt free, that I have ever seen. I am NOT a money manager! I have always failed miserably in the finance department but when I first started listening to the Dave Ramsey program on the radio, for the first time, what he said MADE SENSE. Was it always easy? NO. There was sacrifice involved but the end results are so worth it. I really, really, really, really recommend this be your first step in getting your finances back on track. (aside from following Shar's recommendation and checking out the angel food ministry website - you have to have food!) Local churches offer the Financial Peace University, and I would recommend you check into it in your area. It used to cost about $110.00 to attend, but it is worth it. They may even have some sort of scholarship program you might be eligible for.

    You need to get into a house you can afford. Your children will survive a relocation. They will NOT survive if you do not have enough money to feed them. Their not getting proper nutrition will affect them in the long run, on into their adulthood, if they are not fed properly now. Is that worth it for the sake of the house you're in right now? I don't think so! What can you do without? What can you sell? You probably have a lot of material things that you could get rid of so you can feed your children.

    As for college loans, I would again recommend you check into what Dave Ramsey says about college loans. I, too, got college loans, and loathed it every month when I had to make my payment after college. Dave doesn't recommend college loans, and he is much smarter in being able to explain it than I can.....when he explains it, it makes so much sense!

    Add to all this the stress of your current intimate relationship with your husband, and the emotions whirling around inside of you are a LOT to deal with! I can only imagine that you are not only missing the physical aspect of a sexual relationship, but also the emotional aspects of it, as well. And oh my goodness, the thought of trying to talk about all this with your husband about all this is even more daunting because I am sure he is feeling very insecure and frustrated about his situation, and if he's like most men, can't put it to words or into a proper perspective. If you were to put demands on him about satisfying you in other ways, I fear you would end up pushing him further away more than drawing him closer. It is a very precarious balancing act. Does he see a doctor regularly? Can you go with him to the doctor and the two of you talk with his doctor together? I would talk with your husband about this before bringing it up in front of his doctor. That would probably not have a very food effect, either.

    You are right about needing to live a healthy lifestyle, and it is hard when finances are short. But the result of it might be that if you begin preparing healthy foods for your family, the benefit to your husband would possibly help take care of some of the problems you have. Preparing meals at home, with extras for him to take to work, is a proven money saver. If he's eating healtier, his diabetes might improve, which means the intimacy issue could be better. You will feel better, have more energy, have a better attitude, etc., all of which will positively impact your family!

    You can do something about this! You have the resources at hand to make a difference in your life. Hard decisions, yes! Are you going to have to do without some things? Probably so! But in the long run, it will be worth it for yourself and your family!

    Hang in there! You can do this!


    PS - Oh, an afterthought.....Unless the 'friends' who own your house are going to pay your bills and feed your children, they just might have to deal with the fact that you're going to have to move in order to provide for your family! Friends who would want the worst for you are really not friends at all.......again, Dave Ramsey really has some good points about borrowing or taking financial favors from friends and families! It ruins relationships! DON'T DO IT!

    4496 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/4/2009 2:58:40 PM
    Tricia, I can't really add much to what Christy and Tiff said, they pretty much said it all. But you should check out this website You can get a lot of name brand good food for $30 and what you get is worth well over the $30 you pay. Take a look, this can really help you out. I am keeping you in my prayers. Hang in there.

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    4496 days ago
    Oh....WOW!!. I am in complete and utter SHOCK!! Another baby? This, coming from the woman who HATES to be pregnant, can't stand diapers, and the smell of formula makes her heave??? Oh my.....

    I think you might have several issues tied in with this one. (I'm by NO means a shrink, but here's my take on it...) Could this be your way of asking for attention from hubby or an attempt at having someone else there to love you because hubby hasn't been? An attempt to make a reconnection with him? Princess is right (and I've said this LOTS of times) if Cris loves you, he should be meeting your needs in that area, regardless of the little blue pills. There are loads of ways to be intimate.

    Do you think the baby thing would also be an excuse to quit school? An excuse to shift your focus away from all the financial issues? An excuse to feel important and "useful" again? Just something to think about.... No one says you can't have a third if that is how you feel, but really think about it before you decide to go for it. Re-evaluate in 6 months. That's what I did. If your feelings are still so strong...go for it!!! Just make sure it's because you really want another brat to chase and not because you need another hand to hold.

    I'm sorry things are still really tough for you in the financial department. I thought things were looking up! But I DO understand, as I have a way of making things around me look rosy when they are not too. But Tricia, seriously, having food in the house is a NECESSITY! Even if it means having to go get a part time job, you've got to feed the kids. Even not working for 7 years, you can find something.... I did. The scariest part is just changing what you're used to. But maybe you can start with this: put your foot down with your sister and brother if you have to. Charge her rent, make her baby sit, charge your brother and SIL for babysitting....something. It's time you started looking out for YOU and YOUR family instead of everyone else's. These are hard times for everyone, but you can only give so much. As for the house, I know you don't want to move again, but there's no harm in looking around. You can put buying on the back burner for a while...

    As for school, I think you should do everything possible to continue. You've worked too hard and I can see that this is what you REALLY want. I've never seen anyone so excited about their work before!! It will be good for you to focus on something, and the sooner you get into the program, the sooner you can be working in it. If it turns out that you have to postpone it for a while to make ends meet, then at least you've done everything possible and you can feel good about your decision. What makes you think you can't do it?? It is just a time/babysitter thing with Sara or is there something more?

    There's a lot on your plate right now, so try to just take one day at a time. I know it's easy to say and hard to do, but these are all things that really do take time to figure out. You've taken a big step just to get it all "out there" and airing your frustrations. Continue to pray, and things really will work out!

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    4496 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/4/2009 1:19:29 PM
  • no profile photo CD1511567
    Honestly I think you need to just sit down with DH, and first evaluate the bills you have and what your spending money on compared to what he brings in. You have two littles ones and so they need come first which means they need food and a warm place to live. They don't NEED tv, internet, etc. If not having those can allow extra money to pay for the necessities than that is what you need to do.

    Have you looked into getting some assistance? If his salary is so low you are struggling that much I would think that there is a government program that can help you in some way or another.

    If you need to take a time out from college to keep you family afloat after looking into all the above then I would say do it. College loans DO suck, this is coming from someone who is over $100,000 in debt due to two college degrees (Dhs and mine), but if it means surviving this economic recession or not, then you need to make the decision that is right for your family. I know that it would be setting you up for a better career but sometimes you need to focus on the now rather than the later.

    As for sex, just because DH can't get his manhood to cooperate it doesn't mean he doesn't have other talents. There are ALL sorts of ways to get pleasure, and you can get real creative...this is coming from a couple who has been told for two pregnancies now, no penetration but feel free to do other things. Or you can always fly solo ;)

    4496 days ago
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