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Going down, down, down and I'm not talking weight

Monday, March 30, 2009

All I can do is sigh as I sit here and try to figure out why I can't seem to be consistent and get this weight off of me as I know I should. I have so many things going on that it is just all too overwhelming to put in perspective. I have my stepchildren and then my children, my fiance, and finally myself. My mother and my sister have hypertension as well as my future mother in law. Diabetes, cancer, you name the illness; I know at least one family member or friend who has/is dealing with it. My mother was just admitted to the hospital in ICU Friday morning about 2:45 because her blood pressure was too high and her heart rate was too low. When I got pregnant with my son, I developed gestational diabetes and a blood clot in my right calf. I had to give myself a shot daily starting when my son was 4 months gestation all the way up until he was about 3 or 4 months old. You would think that would be enough to get my rump in gear. Not to mention I have issues with...wait this is not even an issue. This is more like an obsession with the sizes of other people!! emoticon. I am not satisfied ever with the way my clothes fit. I see other people who are much bigger than I am and I wish I could dress like them or just have the confidence that they have to wear certain things! I mean what the hell am I thinking?!?!? Some thing has got to change. I taught myself how to sew thinking that this would help me out. I mean if I don't like how I look in anything else, why not make it myself to fit how I want it. That worked to a certain extent, but I still won't be satisfied until I truly get off my ass and lose this weight.

I joined sparkpeople in '07 hoping to lose weight after having my son. However, I find now that I am bigger now than I was then and seems like I am still gaining or maintaing my current weight. Why, why, why????????????? What is going to have to happen for me to take myself serious and just do the dang on thing? Not being able to see, touch, hear, or feel my babies, friends and family? I mean when is enough...enough? I joined wonderful teams, asked people to help me hold myself accountable and that is still not enough for me to take control of myself and do the right thing. I find that my weight isn't the only thing that seems to be out of control. Seems like I have more junk, clutter around my house than a little bit. I don't know, I just don't know if I really want to keep trying at this. I just wish I could go to bed and wake up a whole new person that was satified with everything. Hey in a perfect fantasy world that might become a reality, but not here! Hmmm, I am going to try to make out my menu for Monday in hopes that I can stick to it. That is all I can think to do for now. Anything else that I come up with just won't seem sincere or genuine because deep down I know that I am not applying myself like I really can!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BECCASINGSLEAD
    There has been a time in my life, not so very long ago, that I could have written this post myself. Two main things, other than leaning on God, helped me. First, I started being kind to myself. I worked hard to deliberately stop talking down to myself. Second, I bought a timer and used it to break my tasks down into manageable bites. I couldn't clean my whole, cluttered house in a day but I could work for three 15 minute sessions a day. It took a while but I eventually got it done. It's kind of like losing weight. Just like my body didn't balloon to nearly 200lbs overnight, my house didn't get filled with clutter and messy overnight either. Take the time to check out www.flylady.net and start adapting those methods to fit your life. It helped me so much.

    Best!!
    3499 days ago
  • EAT2LIVE57
    I appreciate the honesty in your blog and could have written so much of it myself. Why, why, why....darlin' - I don't know. But please don't ever give up! You deserve better!
    emoticon
    3513 days ago
  • SPARKLE1908
    Everything you mentioned in your blog has nothing to do with you being lazy, not motivated, unworthy or anything like that..what you typed all equals STRESS!!!

    You CAN NOT lose weight because you are STRSSED and WORRYING about everything and everyone else and not putting yourself first...your body won't let go of anything until you learn to let go of some things yourself...

    I strongly suggest you stop comparing yourself to other people and just focus on saying something POSITIVE about yourself every morning when you wake up!! You can't change how others look at you but you CAN change how you view yourself..just like you are watching others someone may be watching you and thinking the same thing about you!!!

    Incorporate your cute kids into your exercise program if you haven't already done so...go to the park and walk with them or PLAY with them...(you don't have to do everything they do but just moving around will give you an increase of energy)....

    Small steps...you can do this...you already took a huge step by planning your food....just be consistent and the rest will fall into place!!!!
    3518 days ago
  • MANDYJERRY
    Hey girl!

    Well you know we are all here for you.
    And you are not going through this alone girlie.
    I so feel you....
    You feel like every time you take 2 steps forward 4 back are taken right?

    But know this; if you put yourself first everything else will fall into place....

    I know how hard it is.
    And I know it's so hard to keep at it.
    Hell I struggle on a DAILY basis with all of this...

    As for the clutter in your life...
    Here is what I suggest:
    Clean your house girl...get things in order....
    Sell it throw it out, just clean it..
    If you need to take a sick day and do it alone do it.
    Or ask someone to help you out, I would so help you if my a** was not in Canada!

    It's so hard to concentrate on putting ourselves first when we have so many obstacles in our life.

    I think that is the first step..
    Then if you need to plan your menu to stay on track, then do so girl.
    Make sure to have all the chances on your side.

    Sometimes when our lives are cluttered, it's so hard to keep it all on track.....
    So de-clutter girl and you will start putting yourself first...

    And I am very sorry for your mama.
    I will pray for her.
    Love Mandy

    3519 days ago
  • ENDURETHERAIN
    I know how you feel! It seems like I've been trying forever to lose weight and find motivation, but it's so hard! I like how you set yourself a small goal for Monday... that's something! I'm pulling for you, I wish you the best!!
    3519 days ago
  • no profile photo NHSTITCHER
    I can't give any quick fixes but I can give you a cyber hug and keep rooting for you. I do know how you feel though. Just stay as positive as you can!
    3519 days ago
  • LADYHOLYOAK
    ditto ditto ditto!! emoticon
    3519 days ago
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