Going down, down, down and I'm not talking weight
Monday, March 30, 2009
All I can do is sigh as I sit here and try to figure out why I can't seem to be consistent and get this weight off of me as I know I should. I have so many things going on that it is just all too overwhelming to put in perspective. I have my stepchildren and then my children, my fiance, and finally myself. My mother and my sister have hypertension as well as my future mother in law. Diabetes, cancer, you name the illness; I know at least one family member or friend who has/is dealing with it. My mother was just admitted to the hospital in ICU Friday morning about 2:45 because her blood pressure was too high and her heart rate was too low. When I got pregnant with my son, I developed gestational diabetes and a blood clot in my right calf. I had to give myself a shot daily starting when my son was 4 months gestation all the way up until he was about 3 or 4 months old. You would think that would be enough to get my rump in gear. Not to mention I have issues with...wait this is not even an issue. This is more like an obsession with the sizes of other people!!
. I am not satisfied ever with the way my clothes fit. I see other people who are much bigger than I am and I wish I could dress like them or just have the confidence that they have to wear certain things! I mean what the hell am I thinking?!?!? Some thing has got to change. I taught myself how to sew thinking that this would help me out. I mean if I don't like how I look in anything else, why not make it myself to fit how I want it. That worked to a certain extent, but I still won't be satisfied until I truly get off my ass and lose this weight.
I joined sparkpeople in '07 hoping to lose weight after having my son. However, I find now that I am bigger now than I was then and seems like I am still gaining or maintaing my current weight. Why, why, why????????????? What is going to have to happen for me to take myself serious and just do the dang on thing? Not being able to see, touch, hear, or feel my babies, friends and family? I mean when is enough...enough? I joined wonderful teams, asked people to help me hold myself accountable and that is still not enough for me to take control of myself and do the right thing. I find that my weight isn't the only thing that seems to be out of control. Seems like I have more junk, clutter around my house than a little bit. I don't know, I just don't know if I really want to keep trying at this. I just wish I could go to bed and wake up a whole new person that was satified with everything. Hey in a perfect fantasy world that might become a reality, but not here! Hmmm, I am going to try to make out my menu for Monday in hopes that I can stick to it. That is all I can think to do for now. Anything else that I come up with just won't seem sincere or genuine because deep down I know that I am not applying myself like I really can!