My Thought for the Day
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
It's become "that evil M-word" and I toss it around as my excuse du jour for falling short or giving up. "I'm just not motivated ..." "I can't seem to find the motivation ..." "If I could just find a way to stay motivated, maybe I would stick with ..."
Well no more. Not only is motivation not a dirty word, it's also not my problem. I am motivated: I am sick n tired of being sick n tired with this weight, and with continuously starting (and stopping) yet another "lifestyle change" or diet program. I don't want to be this weight ever again. I don't want 300 to be my "o no!" number. I don't even want 200 to be an acceptable "o no!" number. That is my motivation. I want to look at myself in the mirror or in photographs and say, "yup, that's me," without immediately adding "ugh. I hate that."
I think "discouraged" is a much more accurate descriptor for me than "not motivated." My problem is (and, really, always has been) that I get discouraged and give up. What I lack is will power. I give in to temptation, and therefore give up on myself, entirely too easily. I can rationalize my way into or out of anything. With ease and grace. It's gotten to the point that I can even fool myself. Scary. (I've often joked that my degree in English should have been a BS degree, not a BA degree, because really, that's certainly what my big college "learning" was: how to fake it to make the grade.)
This is what I need to focus on. Sticktoitiveness.
I have made this decision to make a lasting change (read: this really is the last time really); I am making serious changes in the way I eat, exercise, and think about nutrition in general; I am making (slowly but surely) progress toward being in a healthier place mentally and emotionally; and I am learning to accept myself for who and what I am, right here, right now, rather than doggedly and depressingly focusing on what I wish I were, or what I hope to be, or what I once was. I need to start with being OK with me and work my way up to loving me.
And that is where this journey really starts for me. This is much, much more than just the next chapter in my continual struggle with weight loss. This is the next chapter in my life, and if I want the next 28.5 years to be better than the 28.5 years I've just survived, I need to embrace this part of the journey and really own it. THAT is my big-picture goal.