My daughters are killing me

Sunday, February 15, 2009

This whole weekend, one daughter and her two children and has had my car the whole time leaving me without a vehicle. She doesnt call, she drops the kids and leaves without asking if its ok that I watch them. My youngest daughter, took the last $10 I had and went out with friends. Do you think they are trying to kill me too. It sure feels like it. My life is the only thing they havent taken so far. I guess that is next and at this point, I dont care.
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    Once when I was having trouble with IBS, I went to the Dr. and he asked me if I could say "NO"? I said "sure". He told me he wanted me to say it a whole lot more often and I would start feeling better. It really does work, even though it feels awkward at first. - as in, I'm sorry but my last $10 is for groceries. I can't give it away." Nothing further need to be said unless you need to repeat yourself until the statement is accepted. You can also say that it is not convenient for the children to be dropped off at that time and if the car is taken without your permission you will be calling the police to report it stolen. I had to call the police two times for a family member who didn't take me seriously. Now I am respected a lot more. Before I was used as a doormat - because I acted like one. - No more! You don't have to put up with being abused!
    3740 days ago
    Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Take charge. To do nothing is an option you have selected many times and you can predict the outcome. Do something different, something that is in your best interest where your actions state your worth. Why would you expect your daughters to respect you if you don't respect yourself? Show yourself more love and others will show their love for you . You are not alone. Many Spark friends are behind you. However, we cannot act for you...that is something you must do for yourself.

    Good luck.

    3742 days ago
    Whoa! Hold up, time out here folks! That's YOUR car and YOUR money and YOUR life. Take it back! You don't care because you feel like it's hopeless. Of course you do. I would, too. But when you're in an abusive situation like this (oh, yes, it IS abusive for them to walk all over you) it only SEEMS hopeless.
    One step at a time. I think having a talk with your daughters is a great place to start. Tell them how it makes you feel for them to drop off the kids without so much as a call in advance, or even a "I'm sorry" when they just show up on the doorstep. Tell them how frustrating it is to go looking for that last 10$ and not be able to find it. Ask them how they would like it if you did that to them, taking their money and time without asking and without apologizing. Sure you want to spend time with the kids. But they need to ASK. Sure you'd help your kiddo out if she needed some cash. But she HAS to ask!

    I know you love them. It is so difficult to say no to someone you love. But sometimes loving them is learning to say no, too.

    Easier said than done, I know. I had to learn that word, too, and I still have troubles with it sometimes. But each time you say it, it gets a little easier. Each time you stand up for yourself, it becomes a little more natural to do so.

    And they will respect you more for it. Don't get me wrong, I seriously doubt they'll like it! But they'll RESPECT you for it. And they'll learn to respect themselves, too.

    Good luck and let me know if you ever need any support! I ache for your situation because I have been there, too.
    3742 days ago
    Oh dear. This is not a good situation. You need to let your daughters know that you are the mother and they need to check with you before doing things like this. I know it's difficult... as a mother of 4, I know it's hard because you want them to be happy. But trust me, they're not happy.

    I hope your situation improves, and I will be keeping you in my prayers. Let us know how you're feeling.
    3743 days ago
    Have a talk with your daughters. Maybe invite them to lunch or dinner. Tell them that you want to discuss something with them. Tell them that you need them to ask before they take things or leave the kids with you. Take up a hobby that will keep you away from home for 2 or 3 hours a day (like going to research your family tree). Tell them that you love their company and your grandchildren but you are going to be busy for a while, that you will be needing your car and won't be able to baby sit all of the time. Tell them you will try to work with them if you know in advance and they ask first. (If they have extra keys to your car ask for them back and don't leave your keys in the car.) Stick to it. Once they get in the habit of asking you can come home more often. (grin)

    Taking control is taking control whether it be with children or weight loss. The same principles apply. Dealing with a begging child is like dealing with a craving for something you really really would like to eat, but knowing that it is going to cause more trouble if you do.

    3744 days ago
    Please don't die for them. Love is not equal to the number of times you say yes. God wants you to take care of yourself so you will be around to share your love with your daughters.
    This is just my 2 cents worth of advice.
    Your daughters may be asking you for things they WANT and not for things they NEED. There is a big difference between what they want and what they need. First, you have to decide what you are able to give and what is unreasonable to have them take. Be sure to set aside a portion for yourself. When they ask you for something, you are the one who determines which pocket it comes from. We all have 2 pockets. One pocket is our abundance pocket, the other is our limited resources pocket.If you have it in your abundance pocket, then surly you can give it to them. This includes your time, wisdom, experience and love. If you have it in your limited resources pocket, such as money and access to your possessions, you need to tell them gently that you are unable to give them what they WANT at this time. When they complain that they 'NEED' this, you tell them that you have NEED of it too. If you had more than you NEED, you would give it to them, but you only have a limited amount of money so you NEED it for yourself. You wish you had more to give, but you don't and that's just the way it is. They will probably be angry. They WILL get over it. When they get over it, they will come back and continue to ask you for things. Over time they will learn that there are limits to what you can give. You just as you have learned that you have to take care of yourself in this life. There are always limits to what we are able to give. You are no different from the rest of us. Over time your dear daughters will begin to ask for less. When that happens you will all be happier.
    I pray that you will give this some thought and I will pray that the Lord guide you as you make this change.
    3746 days ago
    It sounds like you need to put your foot down. Apparently your daughters have no respect for you or your time. It sounds like your daughters need to get a job or a better job so they can afford their own vehicle or money to go out. You really need to stop this behavior now. I am not saying that watching the grandkids are a bad thing but ASKING would be the right thing to do. I would never think about just dropping my kids off at my Mom's without finding out what her plans were that day. You need to sit down with your daughters and tell them your rules and let them know exactly how you feel when they do this to you. Good luck and stick to your rules, if you bend a little they will take alot.
    3746 days ago
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