support: don't sulk dont become a victim you are stronger than that
Friday, February 06, 2009
in the end i would just like to say that you don't need to have great support at home as long as you can look past it and realize that some people are just very cold hearted or make comments out of ignorance and it is their choice and doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, that you are not worthless and deserve better don't let it break you down you can rise above it, it is allway's better to keep the positive people that care about you and your well being close and keep those Negative Nancy's far if you have a lot of people that are not invested in your well being than you have to be strong and love yourself because everybody is born with a soul and is entitled to be loved and respected
sometimes toxic people in your life can make you really appreciate all the positive supportive ones and remember they can be portrayed however they want we have a choice to respond to it how we see fit, you can let it bring you down or it can make you even stronger, don't let it distract you from your goals because if there wasn't any obstacles it wouldn't have as much value to us
realize you are worth so much more
Member Comments About This Blog Post
I think what you are doing is the right way to deal with it.
You have the right attitude about it. I think you're exactly
right to choose to not allow her comments to affect you.
You know what happened to you was not right. As a nurse,
I see cases of abuse and even sometimes have to report too. It is also not uncommon to see the mother/parent be in denial about their child's abuse almost in all the cases. The denial is not from being cold hearted about the abuse but a shock response to what has happened. According
to the American Psychiatric Association (1994) defense
mechanisms are patterns of feelings, thoughts, or behaviors
that are relatively involuntary and arise in response to
perceptions of psychic danger. They are designed to hide
or alleviate the conflicts or stressors that give rise to
anxiety. Denial is the failure to acknowledge an external
reality that is apparent to others. It can so be ignorance
of the abuse process. For example: What is call Grooming
stage (where the perpetrator is buying gifts, tickling,
singling out, being extra nice, Sharing pornography
secretly, petting, etc to the victim.) To acknowledge this
stage as a parent, even later after knowing this is going on
would be to blame themselves for what has happened.
That would be guilt and anger with their own feelings.
Not to mention to have to deal with the feeling of their
child. People can stay in denial. That would mean they
wouldn't have to deal with this emotion and anxiety.
There is no time frame for denial. Others stay in denial
and others move on to acceptance. In your situation it is
unfortunate after all these years that your mother was
not more supportive for you. So you have to move on and
take care of YOU. Many times understanding why a
person reacts a certain way can help in dealing with how
YOU view the situation. In your case. understanding why
a mother would respond to their child when they confide
in them about something as traumatic as sexual abuse
may be helpful.
Non offending Parent reasons for denial. ( Taken from
"Treating Non offending Parents Child Sexual Abuse
Cases" By Jill Levenson, John W. Morin
Love both, feels conflicted
Feels ashamed, could protect her child
Issues with own sexuality or attractiveness
Why did he choose the child over me?
Fear of Child welfare intervention
Fear of Being blamed
Afraid of perpetrator
Ashamed of her choice of mate
Sexual abuse history herself
Protection not role modeled in family origin
Makes her own attempts to protect the child
Believed she can handle it herself
In this case, You did right by making your case known.
She was unfortunately not supportive. You cannot control
her or change her mind. So I would not discuss it with
her again. I think you made the right decision in handling
this though. I do recommend that you find someone that
you can confide in though to discuss this with and talk
about it so you can heal. Remember we are here for you
and you always have support here at Sparkpeople.
Hugs to you.~Penny
3263 days ago
Comment edited on: 5/18/2009 9:18:11 PM
Where do you live hon? You don't need to stay there. I have a couch! Seriously your mother is nutter and I totally understand the trama of sexual abuses and molestation. Thank the gods you are helping yourself now and not waiting another 13 years like I did.
You can get past it. And no one else can feel what you feel so try to forgive her. I suspect she feels that she was abused worse as a child and that is why she can't empathize. She is too busy comparing your situations and convincing herself yours could have been much worse. that is a fallacy of course but a common one.
3325 days ago
I think you're exactly right to choose to not allow her comments to affect you. You know what happened to you was not right. You know that it is something you have to deal with and work through at your own pace. Her preconceived opinions do not matter because you have a great support network; a great group of people who do understand and sympathize.
There is always going to be at least one person who tries to minimize something terrible that you've gone through. You have the right attitude! Keep working towards healing yourself!
3358 days ago
I think your success speaks for itself. You may not be healed, but I think you are healing. It takes time. Give yourself that. And in the meantime, appreciate yourself for who you are and who you've become. You have done a phenomenal thing. Congratulations. There are plenty of us on here to support you.
3362 days ago
There are some things that can get through the armor. Certain comments can would like being shot with a bazooka. Developing strategies to deal with them is a part of growing and learning how to live healthy.
I've had some pretty rotten things said to me by my baby sister. She is almost as big as I was when I started my life change some 14 months ago. I'm sure she doesn't want to be as big as she is, but she doesn't want to commit to a healthy lifestyle.
One thing she told me about 4 weeks ago in an attempt to get a shot in under the armor was "you can go ahead and act like you're Mr. Healthy, but you'll go off your plan and you'll gain most if not all of your weight back".
What she said hurt me bad. What hurt was that for her to say that, tells me she didn't understand what happened to me or the reasons why my weight exploded to 380 pounds. Rather than refute her absolutely horrid comments with something that would injure her, I have decided to draw back and not be social with her. If she asks, I will give her whatever advice/motivation that I can muster, but as long as her attitude and her habits don't change, I don't see a reason to put myself in a place where her comments will harm my mental psyche.
It's good to see that you're advancing to the point where you can identify problems areas and strategies to deal with them.
Best of success to you.
3364 days ago
When I came into program, I was told "We are here to love you until you can love yourself." My program Moms have been able to love me in a way my real Mom can't.
3364 days ago
Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.