It's been far too long - here's a check in.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Hello friends.

I haven't blogged since May, so I am going to catch up just a little.

Last May I joined a gym and the trainer commanded me to turn to clean eating. I tried, but I can't do it. Sorry - others have pointed out how doable it is and all that jazz, but the bottom line for me is that it is just another "diet". I also found that getting so flipping anal about my food was making me stressed out - and not just a little. I am not kidding here. All the can't eat, don't eat, and blah blah blah fried my brain and made me go a little crazy.

I'm sure my lunacy has a lot to do with trying to balance my work, dragging Hugh to little league, going to the gym, trying to cram too much into too little time and feeling like a personal failure. Then Wisconsin got flooded like the rest of the Midwest. Since I'm on village gov't., I threw myself into the thick of my village's recovery. I loved it! Really loved helping people, and I lost about 10 lbs because I was eating on the run and was on the run constantly for about 3 weeks. Naturally I put it all right back on once we reestablished "normal".

I continued to go to the gym. I loved strength training - L.O.V.E.D it. But I didn't love the trainer at the gym. She is a self-centered diva know-it-all who could not related to me and my circumstances. Plus she was too self-absorbed to really care what I wanted or needed. Then I developed plantar-facciitis from walking on the treadmill so much. And Hugh was in football which was a huge commitment. Finally i reached "enough" and quit the gym in November. I had joined Weight Watchers in September, because I needed something to follow to get my head on straight. When the trainer from hell dissed WW and kicked the crap out of my and all my struggles, I decided that I'd had enough. Frankly, it was the best decision I had ever made. Talk about lifting a load off my shoulders.

Oh - throw into the summer and fall one niece being suicidal and relapsing on drugs and alcohol in addition to my own child being depressed and talking about suicide, and I'm surprised I am not back to 310. But I made a conscious decision NOT to feed the stress and anger I was feeling during those months.

Then we went to family therapy, which became me going to individual therapy. Wow! I realized thru therapy that I have been letting people bully me because I was made to as I was growing up. My older brother abused me emotionally and physically by making me his personal punching bag for years. My parents did nothing about it....so I learned to take it, like I deserved it. Flash ahead 25 years, and see me allowing my son's father and his wife bullying me to get their way all the time with visitation and parenting Hugh. I had no clue. I gotta say the sheet hit the fan with them when I declared myself done being at their service and accomodating their every need to a schedule change. DONE! It wasn't pretty, but I feel very whole these days.

I also discovered personal blogging and have met hundreds of people from the blogging world who I have come to adore, respect, admire, and glean support from. fatdontwrinkle.blogspot.
That is my personal blog. I started in July which is a lot of the reason I don't Spark much anymore. If you are reading this and care to do so check out my blog.

My commitment to me is to do 60 minutes or more of cardio every day. Why? Well, being hypothyroid means that I have to work harder than other people to get results. I will do 30 minutes on the elliptical 5 days a week and the other 30+ is from indoor walking DVDs or BL DVDs, depending on my mood. Right now I am on the Sansone 5 mile kick. I use weights sometimes. I need to do more weight training, but I'll get back into that when I'm ready.

Well, kids, that's my story. It's where I've been and what I've been doing.

February will find me here a little bit more, but only to log my workouts and help out my team, probably. I don't have time to track my food and activity both here and on WW plus do my blogging and facebook. I just don't. I have a job and am a single mom, after all. Plus I have to take care of me first.

I'm out. Tatafornow, people.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm right there with you! Hypothyroid (under control now) and Plantar Fasciitis (gone now) and too much stress (most of which was from catering to people who do't appreciate my efforts)

    So to you I say - Welcome to THIS side of THAT street. Here's to traveling your own path, on your own schedule and letting everyone else follow along or get out of the way!

    Congrats! emoticon
    4412 days ago
    Ok.. I had a nap today and now I'm tired again just from reading your blog! Good grief! You sure have had a heck of a year! It is great to see you back though and it sounds like you might be in a 'better place'. I agree with Di... you have to be strong to go through all that alone. I wish you the best of luck and really hope you reach your goals! We are starting a game on the LWL team that isn't time consuming... I sparkmailed everyone about it... it might be fun to play!!

    4413 days ago
    Hey....so good to hear from you! I have missed you!! You have been through h@ll and back girl, and guess what? You made it!! You are one strong chick! I admire you alot!
    4413 days ago
    Gosh, you are great! You have a real load in life being a single mom and dealing with an ex. I've got a supportive husband and that makes my life so much easier.

    The food issue is tough. I love junk food and I had to push myself to give it up. I would eat it if it was in the house!
    I finally had to come to grips with that one. If I wanted a change I just HAD to stop eating the junk all the time. Believe it or not, now I barely even think about the stuff. When I do have some, I happy with just a bit. What ever caused me to get here? I wish I could tell you. I'm just different now. I don't want to go back 'there' with the weight issues. Good luck as you meet your goals! You're definitely a strong woman to have persevered this far!
    emoticon emoticon
    BTW, I do Leslie's 3 mile and it nearly kills me! Kudos to you!
    4413 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/1/2009 11:26:12 AM
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