MSSUNBUG

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Big, Heaving Sigh

Monday, January 26, 2009

It's been a long time!

I've avoided being here because I'm up quite a bit from my low in early November. It's ben stressful times here. We bought a new house without selling our old house first--*right* before the market took a complete dive. We knew we were taking a risk, and we got a great deal on our new house and are holding down both mortgages okay... but it's definitely tighter and makes me really nervous. It's a lot of stress to take on!

On top of that, I'm dealing with some pretty tough health issues. I get migraine headaches, and I've been getting a bunch recently--and I get the kind that manifest in odd ways, like dizzyness, confusion, a sudden inability to see clearly. I also was tested in 1/08 for persistent nausea (I have gallstones, IBS, and GERD), which I thought I had managed by this past summer. And it's resurfaced since around the start of November. :( There are days I feel so sick that I can't leave my house and have to carry a bucket with me everywhere I go. This is no way to live a life! I'm also battling anxiety disorder which has kicked up a few gears recently--and which makes the nausea worse. And the worse the nausea gets, the more anxious I get, repeat, repeat, repeat. You get the picture. I'm a bit of a mess!

So I've gained about 15 pounds back. At least, the last I checked (and I'm not rushing off to check since I need nothing else to feel anxious about and no other excuse to beat myself up). IT is what it is. I'm remembering all those things I tell other people--that it's about the bigger picture, that this isn't a race, that so long as I don't quit, I'm still in the game--and I'm hanging in there. I know I'm going to be okay in the grand scheme, but in the immediate, in this place... I'm just not doing so hot.

Anyway, I'm staying firm with the plan to not get on the scale. I have some important appointments coming up with some specialists who should really be able to help. I'm excited for that. And I've taken all of this as the universe's (or God, or whatever you believe) way of letting me know that my focus isn't in the right place. Taking care of me, and learning to do that WELL, involves so much more than just losing pounds. I need to take care of myself spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, all around. I need to focus hard on what that means and what that looks like in practice--what things I'm confronting and dealing with, and what things I'm sweeping under rugs or just letting fall off the radar. It's been a powerful eye-opener and motivator towards better overall self care, and I'm grateful for that. And I'm learning a little grace and patience with myself on the journey. There's no race, and I don't have to get it all right immediately. I just need to move towards healthier directions and make even the tiniest steps towards a better me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MSILVER94
    I'm glad to see that you made it back over here. I regret that you feel so horrible. BUT I am very thankful that you are using this time to learn lessons about life, such as patience and learning to work on more areas of your life instead of just weight loss. It is God slowing you down, trying to show you something so it's good you are trying to figure it out. I am here for you if you need me. I'm glad you have these appoinments coming up and hopefully some more answers. Love you, Michelle
    3919 days ago
  • SOPHIEMAE2007
    Wow! But I have to say I was in your shoes at one time. Mine was all related to stress from the job, which turned to major depression and learning to deal with things that I thought I dealt with long ago. I used to have the migraines and IBS, etc. too!

    It took me over a year to work through the depression, but it still left me with some stressful issues. I left my job, that caused all of my stress, because of health issues. I was afraid I would either die by heart attack or by some other means which is what brought me to my lowest of lows. I absolutely thought I could not deal with things, but really I have found that I am rather "strong" or "stronger" for it. At the time I left my job, I had just also bought a house and so then I had to figure how I was going to pay for it. I ended up spending down my IRA and still paying off my back taxes...hopefully to be paid in full this year...woohoo!! I haven't been able to go near any job or apply to any job that was similar to what I used to do when I left...so basically it ruined my career. So far this year, I have been able to apply to similar jobs. It is what I know and I would like to get back into it. It did pay very well and well I could use the money. I need to working on a retirement plan again. Over the last 5 years I have had minimum wage jobs and working 2 at a time, which is very tiring and I am tired of going paycheck to paycheck. I do like my current job and the benefits and the pay isn't too bad, but I need or know I could do more than what I am doing.

    I have gained over 50lbs in the course of 10 years and need to still take care of me. I am so glad I joined Spark because there are people out there just like me, same issues, etc.

    I guess what I am saying is, is that you are stronger than you appear to yourself. You will get through all these issue, but it just takes time.

    Just Breath!


    3920 days ago
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