Big, Heaving Sigh
Monday, January 26, 2009
It's been a long time!
I've avoided being here because I'm up quite a bit from my low in early November. It's ben stressful times here. We bought a new house without selling our old house first--*right* before the market took a complete dive. We knew we were taking a risk, and we got a great deal on our new house and are holding down both mortgages okay... but it's definitely tighter and makes me really nervous. It's a lot of stress to take on!
On top of that, I'm dealing with some pretty tough health issues. I get migraine headaches, and I've been getting a bunch recently--and I get the kind that manifest in odd ways, like dizzyness, confusion, a sudden inability to see clearly. I also was tested in 1/08 for persistent nausea (I have gallstones, IBS, and GERD), which I thought I had managed by this past summer. And it's resurfaced since around the start of November. :( There are days I feel so sick that I can't leave my house and have to carry a bucket with me everywhere I go. This is no way to live a life! I'm also battling anxiety disorder which has kicked up a few gears recently--and which makes the nausea worse. And the worse the nausea gets, the more anxious I get, repeat, repeat, repeat. You get the picture. I'm a bit of a mess!
So I've gained about 15 pounds back. At least, the last I checked (and I'm not rushing off to check since I need nothing else to feel anxious about and no other excuse to beat myself up). IT is what it is. I'm remembering all those things I tell other people--that it's about the bigger picture, that this isn't a race, that so long as I don't quit, I'm still in the game--and I'm hanging in there. I know I'm going to be okay in the grand scheme, but in the immediate, in this place... I'm just not doing so hot.
Anyway, I'm staying firm with the plan to not get on the scale. I have some important appointments coming up with some specialists who should really be able to help. I'm excited for that. And I've taken all of this as the universe's (or God, or whatever you believe) way of letting me know that my focus isn't in the right place. Taking care of me, and learning to do that WELL, involves so much more than just losing pounds. I need to take care of myself spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, all around. I need to focus hard on what that means and what that looks like in practice--what things I'm confronting and dealing with, and what things I'm sweeping under rugs or just letting fall off the radar. It's been a powerful eye-opener and motivator towards better overall self care, and I'm grateful for that. And I'm learning a little grace and patience with myself on the journey. There's no race, and I don't have to get it all right immediately. I just need to move towards healthier directions and make even the tiniest steps towards a better me.