using food to fill the void
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
well since i have decided to go after the gastric bypass surgery ( assuming my surgeon and insurance say ok)
i have really tried to start eating healthy and think of why i started to develope bad eating habbits
i have paid attention to when i maically get hungry and its after a arguement - when im alone
when old painfull memories come to the for front - we since trying to mmake the chage mentally - i have cryed every day - i mean everyday ! it started with watching some peeps videos on youtube that are part of a wls community - watching videos one after the other i began to realize something most of us have one thing or another in common. some of them are in bad marriages , were abused sexually or otherwise sometime in there life, coming from a finacial strained background , a less than awsome family and suppotr system ect
i just want to say that theses things do affect you ( no matter how hard you try to run)
i have no dad really and when he would come and go he always treated me horrible and i was abused by him physiclly , mentally , emotionally he broke me as a young child having the hurt from him and watching my mother be extreamly submisiv to his rage over and over again prepared me to be victimized by so many others that were to follow. some people get hurt or go through something tramatic and lose there apetite- i never did i realitivly eat nothing maybe one meal a day but if life gets hard or stressfull i turn to the chips , leftovers whatever i can find to fill me up , i eat to fill up the hole inside my heart, to try to forget the things that have been done to me. to mask the deep insecurity i feel, because i was never treated like a worthy human being and now i belive it . food doesnt put me down, it doesmt take me for granted , its always there and simply i need food to live - however like so many people and so many situations before , im letting the food hurt me .
for the most part im a small portion non often eater but i nver really looked at why i ate
was i really hungry or just feeling empty?