Monday, January 19, 2009
Still hungry and feeling bad for myself; I allowed defeating thoughts to ring in my head. I began trying to rationalize more calories. Deep in the decision making process I manipulated the numbers; I'll just eat this or I’ll just have a little of that. I was scheming for a loophole that seemed viable enough. I was getting more excited the longer the prospect of cheating lingered in my head. Then it struck me, the decision had already been made. I was going to cheat; it was just a matter of finding a convincing reason to do so. My internal diatribe revealed to me the absurdity of it all. If I’m “deciding” whether or not to cheat I’ve already decided to do so. Why was I flirting with a choice when I already made my choice on December 31st 2008? I knew in my heart I wanted to give in to my urges and if I continued in the "decision" making process I would eventually do so. And that was the game. I consciously caught myself setting the stage for cheating. I got angry at my own audacity. My indignation flared because deep down I known the violence I was about to do to myself, and I do mean violence; my eating habits are my own form of self destruction. So it was to be self sabotage even with an underlying self awareness. No, NO! Not tonight; I won’t be tricked. I steeled my resolve not to eat again, took my vitamin, drank the rest of my water and scuttled off to bed.