Back on the wagon....again
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
So, I have been so so bad this past year. Just awful. 2008 was not an easy year for me and I have a horrible habit of eating to handle my emotions. It has always been there, but this year it was in full effect. I gained some poundage back after my wedding and during the holidays last year, then instead of taking it back off I let it bring me down. I got to a point where I would tell myself who cares, this year is hosed so just eat what you want and deal with it next year. Nice, huh? I don't know why I let myself feel like I have to start living healthily at the beginning of a year, but there you have it.
And here we are again, it's January, and I don't want to feel like this anymore. Summer will be here before you know it and I don't want to have to hide under ugly clothes and feel uncomfortable anywhere I go and disgusted with myself. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again, I did get there once before my wedding. I don't know why but at the time it didn't really seem like a big deal to me. But looking back, I felt so good, physically and mentally.
Carrying this extra weight really takes a toll on my emotions and my whole outlook on my life. I hate it. I hate that I let it control me so much. I feel like my fat is the only thing people notice about me and that makes me so depressed, then I eat more. GAH! It is time for me to tackle this nonsense, it is ruling my life and that is not good! I am unhappy, and in turn I am making most aspects of my life unhappy. It is a vicous cycle that I have been going along with for most of my life and need to break somehow. I know how to do it, I just don't know how to make myself do it.
I guess that is why I decided to make a blog entry. I never thought I would do this blog stuff, cause really who really gives a fluck about my struggles, everyone has their own. I am writing this in hopes that it will help me get my thoughts out there, and help me get a better understanding of what exactly is going on in my head.
I am not ready to weigh myself yet. I know I am the heaviest I have ever been and fear that seeing the number will just make me more depressed. The name of the game is to just start eating better, cut out all the dang sweets (it's been sooo bad) and get more exercise. And once I start to notice I have shed some weight I will weigh in. At least at that point I will have some momentum to keep going....