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The More I See, the Less I Know

Friday, December 19, 2008

I love this song, plus today is the first big snowfall of the year for Boston. A foot or more is expected. Guess how I'm going to get my cardio today.

I took the half day off (I only work half days on Fridays) because I was supposed to have a mammogram and then have lunch with a friend who also writes. But both the hospital and the friend cancelled so I ran errands. Two big boxes were shipped West. A check was deposited. Food was purchased, but I did not see my friend, who seems to be on some new schedule that I don't know. Ah well, I had wanted to wish him a Happy Holidays. I suppose I'll see him sometime and then just ask how they were.

I came home and ordered a bunch of stuff online. I was given a laptop at work this week and it's heavy. The office does not supply a case so I bought one. Since I could pick (and I had a good Amazon gift certificate), I got myself a black leather case with a shoulder strap. It looks very feminine and I could use it as a regular briefcase even without the PC. Plus I picked up some smaller clothes and a lot of groceries we needed.

Last weekend, I got a few armloads of 16s and 14s from a friend of a friend, so in turn I cleaned out my own closet. Hence the two big boxes. The woman I got these clothes from is a petite, though. Even though my legs are short they are not short enough for me to really be a petite. Right now I'm wearing capri pants over boots. It works.

What may be obvious between the lines is that I am doing somewhat better. All week I was extremely tightly wound at work, though. We have a long break coming up (and I haven't had this kind of a year-end break since I was in school) and there was talk of work over it. After a lot of agita that was finally resolved in favor of no work being done over the break except for what's needed in order to make the application usable in 2009. Plus a DBA will be on call (and hopefully won't have to work) in case anything goes truly kerflooey.

As the week went on, I felt better but for the first couple of days I was really snapping at people. I was not a fun person to be around. It just happens. I know it's coming but I just don't seem to care, and I let it fly. It is not something I am proud of. It is, well, it's me. That part exists, too. No sense in stuffing it under a rug. It's not all sunshine and roses. Sometimes, it's just -- I'm just -- not going to be anyone or anything you'd call great.

And hey, like I said, that happens.

I think a slice of this journey is loving yourself, but also recognizing that sometimes you're just not that lovable. And that's okay. The trick, I think, is to not let those moments drag you down into oblivion and into despair and into what you once were.

It is not all black and white, up and down, on and off, good and bad. It's mixed, and you're mixed, and I'm mixed and all God's chillen are mixed. And if you go through your life thinking that things will always be wonderful when you've gotten thinner, I've got news for you. You'll still see death. You may see divorce. You'll still have times when you're broke, or angry, or depressed or helpless.

And that's all because, during your fat, fatter, fattest moments, you had times when you were rich, or happy, or upbeat, or powerful. You had days of love and strength and beauty. These moments, these days, are not married to your size. But they're not wholly unrelated. I mean, let's be realistic here. Most people who are smaller and can get around more readily tend to feel better. So I think you're loading the dice in favor of happiness and good times as you get more and more healthy.

I think the idea is, load those dice. Put your, heh, put your thumb on that scale. Lobby in your body for health. Make all roads lead to Healthyville and you'll find yourself traveling through Happinessland, too.

In the meantime, the darkest of the dark days is almost here. One of the things I ordered for myself is a full-spectrum light. Of course it won't be here for the solstice, but it'll be here afterwards, and I can use it for next year's solstice. And for this year's, I'll keep my head together and think of the days to come.

Come to decide that the things that I tried
Were in my life just to get high on
When I sit alone come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time

Step from the road to the sea to the sky
And I do believe it, we rely on
When I lay it on come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you.

    I'll Google it.

    Sumith, have I told you recently how lucky your wife is?
    4409 days ago
    Great post! I love it, and you are such a good writer.
    4409 days ago
  • SUMITH2008
    While things in life is not always rosey, we do have choice to avoid the things that tick/piss us off. While we all lose our temper, its important to try to control those negative feelings and how we project it. Are you familiar with "The Noble Eightfold Path"? Google it sometime its worth reading if you haven't.

    You said, sometimes your not lovable... Eh i love ya all da time my friend Jespah! That's why i keep coming back to read your blogs and thoughts.. Because your a wonderful person and i respect your thoughts and what you have to share with us. Take it easy my friend and Keep up the good work!
    4409 days ago
    The gal's a petite, though, so the pants are a lil short. I am so past the point of caring when it comes to transitional clothes, I've gotta say. :)
    4410 days ago
    I love that you got a couple of boxes of clothes. That is soo cool.

    4410 days ago
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