Thursday, December 11, 2008
I'm so tired of being fat!!...No, not just fat...I'd love to just be fat. What do they call it? Oh yes, "obese". My body is obese. Ick! What a horrible word!
I've been big all my life. I was a rolly polly little girl and now I'm a big woman. I feel like my life has just been one diet after the next. And frankly, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of thinking about my weight, what I ate, what I'm going to eat, when I'm going to exercise, how I don't exercise enough, what I can or can't fit in to wear, etc. every hour on the hour, every day of my life. That's not living.
In the last couple months I've actually considered what I used to think was never an option for me ever again, weight loss pills! See, I was on phen-fen years ago when I was 17. After 8 months, I had lost about 45 lbs, was down to a size 12, and was having scary heart palpitations and increased heart rate. Sometimes it felt as though my heart was going to pound it's way right out of my chest. Reluctantly I told the doctor, he immediately took me off the drug, telling me "We really never should have had you take it in the first place. You are too young." (What negligence to make this statement after he'd taken my money and seen me week after week...why didn't he refuse to treat me 8 months earlier?!) Even after I discontinued use of the drug, I suffered from the heart palpitations for another 5 - 6 years. I promised myself I would never take another pill to solve my weight loss problems.
So, why would I ever consider taking pills again? Hmm...I guess that's just what desperation does to you. But at least it succeeded in waking me up. The fact that I would even consider it, shocked and disappointed me.
My mom always says "Give it to God". I thought...Is this something I can give to HIM too? I've certainly prayed about it enough. But to my surprise, I've never awaken the next morning to see a size 10 in the mirror. How hard do I need to pray, Jesus? I cast my worries on YOU, Lord. Please, make my body healthy. Hmmm...Nothing.
The pastor at my church taught us one Sunday how to pray. PRAY - P-Praise, R-Repent, A-Ask, Y-Yield. He pointed out that so many of us ask of Jesus for ourselves and others, but fail to yield to HIM and listen for what HE wants us to do. So, I've been trying that. After I pray, I yield. I sit quietly, turn off my brain...which for me, is not easy...and try to listen for direction. If you don't do this, try it. It works.
I heard the answer soft and clear...You are not alone in this. I'm going to be by your side every step of the way. But just like you don't want to do it alone, I don't either. You'll need to move your feet and take the steps, and I will show you what I can do in your life.
Praise Jesus!! HE does not disappoint, my friends. Since that night, I feel a renewed spirit. I'm not saying it's been easy. But seriously, I feel like there's a hand on my back, gently nudging me along. I am terrified of going to the gym by myself. And unfortunately, my best friend's schedule and mine don't allow us to go together very often. Last week I went twice, by myself!! That, in itself, is a miracle. (Oh, and I'm going again tonight after work!) I've been grocery shopping, cooking and avoiding fast food. I've been drinking tons of water. I've been tracking my food and water every day.
I'm not so stupid to think that I'm cured for good. I'm not perfect...I visited Del Taco twice in the passed two weeks. I have a bag of Dove chocolates in my room that I sneak into every now and then. (Yes, I count them in my calorie tracker too.) And I haven't worked up the nerve to go into the weight room at my gym by myself yet, even though I know I need to do strength training too. But I'll get there.
And if/when I fall, I will never be a failure in HIS eyes. HE says I am HIS daughter, created in HIS image, and I am the salt of the earth! And you are too! Wow! Isn't that amazing? To have someone love you that much?
So, I'm feelin' good going into the new year. Having a healthy body is not out of my reach, it's not just a fantasy. So long as I remember to go to HIM. Jesus is my appetite suppressant, my motivator, my workout buddy, my constant reminder, my personal trainer, my craving remover, my stress reliver, my everything.
All things are possible through Christ who strengthens me!
Have a Merry Christmas!
I went to the doctor's yesterday and my blood pressure isn't high anymore. Yay!! It's not perfect, but it's 130/70, so it's not bad. Oh, and they did an EKG and that came back fine. Thank goodness!