I have returned... in worst condition
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
My fingers graze the keyboard hastily... I am in a dark place right now... emotionally, I guess. I have gained weight, Im probably around 270 at the moment and I haven't felt worst about myself in my entire life... I can feel the weight starting to affect me; I think I may be developing breathing issues while I sleep, my back is in constant pain, I feel myself straining when I get up from laying down...the fat that droops from my flesh and bone is heavier and more burdonsome... I gaze at myself in the mirror after a shower and I realize how much weight has been added to my frame...
I recall when i was first over 200lbs...I cried, so hard... But I said I would fix it...then 220 came, again, i'd fix it and for sometime I did... I maintained a weight... Then 232 came along, and I was devestated. finally it piled on and I just didn't stop it (never try eating fast food for a month straight, u really do gain 30lbs fast)
I see my mistakes, I reflect upon them... Yet I cannot fix them. I need help, so much help... Theres a possibility I can go for the Lapband surgery... But, I am afraid. I want to do it, but I really do not at the same time. I want to be able to do it myself... If i really want to eat, putting a happy little rubber band around my stomach is not going to stop me.
"You have to want it" my mother tells me... I want it...Then why the HELl can't I do it? Why in gods name do i say "hm zac, go get taco bell" or simply NOT excercise. Why don't I get off my fat arse and do something about it.
What is wrong with me...
I need help I do not know where to turn...I pray, to whatever Gods and Goddesses are within our universe, I plan, but I never execute my plans... Where can I find motivation?
Do i scare myself? Think of the health problems that I am bestowing upon myself?
how do i do it...