Time for Chance....
Monday, December 01, 2008
I am so frustrated right now. With Chance, with that little old lady (well-intentioned or not), with the whole "job search" thing, and with school.
I want to give Chance the loving time he needs - I want to give him all that he needs. But if I get a job, I won't be able to give it to him. And how fair would it be just to be able to give him the attention he desperately needs only in the evenings...maybe, if my husband isn't too busy playing video games to notice the dogs.
Since I left Starbucks, I've been so much less stressed. It's been wonderful. Now that I'm picking up a job search, things are going downhill again. It's finals week at one of my colleges, and my other college meets EVERY WEEKNIGHT from 530p-930p. It takes up so much time. At least one of my schools will be over. But then I'll have to pick up a job and work all the free time I could have gotten away.
Chance is being way difficult. He doesn't want to learn anything. I swear - I think he's just testing my patience. I've been nothing but patient with him - don't get me wrong. When I get to feeling impatient and angry, I walk off and sit down for a few minutes and remind myself that he's just a baby - a stubborn baby, but still just a baby. I don't remember Smokie being this difficult. Maybe that was because I had more time with her, though. I'm sure if I spent the time I spent with her with him, things would get much better (if that makes sense). But no, now I have to look for a job, and it's stressing me out, what with finals everywhere and stuff.
I'm actually considering finding a home for Chance. Because I don't have the time. But what a rotten excuse. I hate it when people give away their dogs - I usually wonder why they got a puppy in the first place if they weren't going to spend time with him/her. But with Chance...it was sudden and he was just thrown in our backyard. Not much of a choice...but...still...
The moment I have time to sit down with Chance, all of the other three stick their noses in my face. It gets so frustrating. I have to lock them out of the room to get any time with my puppy alone!! ARG! I love seeing their wagging tails to greet me, I love walking with them, I love playing with them - they can just get so frustrating at times. Especially when I know that Chance needs some MAJOR one-on-one time with me. I don't have $100 or so to go spend on a puppy trainer to take him to, so I have to do it myself. It was fine with Smokie...I don't know why it's so hard with Chance.
I love him to death, don't get me wrong. But I still don't feel the kind of attached you should feel with each of your pets. I feel attached to the other three - like they're my babies for sure. But with Chance? I don't know how to describe it. I like him and all...but I don't have that deep connection with him. I'm sure we could get a connection if I spent alone time with him...
But finals, school, job-searching...
John really likes him.
So why doesn't HE spend time and train him?! Because heaven forbid John put any effort into our fur-babies. They're fun for playing outside when it's nice and playing tug-of-war inside when it's ugly outside. But, trying to get him to sit down and train them? Forget it. That's MY job. He doesn't even know how! He's completely lost with this "positive reinforcement" thing. AUGH.
I don't want another job. I'm happy right now - once I get out of this day-school, I'll be able to spend time with my fur-babies like I wanted! All day with them - helping them, training them, teaching them to be good. Playing with them. Sort of. I mean, I still have to study for night school and the such, but...they'll get the attention they need and deserve, and I'll be able to make WONDERFUL grades. John technically makes just enough for us to do this...but he's worried that one week he won't get all his hours, and then we'd be "screwed", as he put it.
It's nice to get all of this out.
I stepped on the scale for the first time in months today. Honestly, I haven't done ANYTHING about weight loss, and it shows. I've been eating unhealthily and it shows.
I'm back to 200lbs.
I was at 184 and so proud of myself. But now I'm 200. And gaining. Damnit. I can't believe I completely gave up on losing weight. So I'm redoing my goals right now.
I want to talk to John...about seriously staying home instead of working, just to get some stress off of me for a while. not permanantly, but for a little bit to get my sanity back. Maybe get through finals, and Christmas. Get the house unpacked, the dogs settled, my grades back up where they used to be...maybe get my eating-habits under control again. But I'm scared to. I mean, he says that he loves how not-stressed I've been...and how I've been acting - like the girl he fell in love with, or something like that. When I'm stressed, I'm really pissy all the time. I'm not like that now. And he loves it. I wish...I knew how to talk to him about it. We wouldn't be able to go on dates every week...and I wouldn't be able to drive around just to get Chance used to the car anymore...but we could do it. It'd be tight, but we could technically do it.
I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I need to just suck it up and get a job. But things are getting better. Really, they are. If I could just get things back to where they need to be, and THEN get a job..but I don't know if he'd go for it. Maybe he wouldn't. I don't know.
I just feel horrible right now. Horrible and negative, thinking about the job search I have ahead of me, and finals, and night school, and how I don't have time for my fur-babies except for on weekends.
I really want to talk to John about clearing things up THEN getting a job...
But I'm not sure if I should or not.