CARRIE535

SparkPoints
 

i'm trapped

Thursday, November 13, 2008

u dont want to read this. its 4 me. i want to die. but i cant. i promised ben i won't do it. he would be lost if i did. he would blame himself. i have to focus on that. but i still want to die. i wish i could do it. i hurt so much. deep down, i think its also because i dont have the courage. ive heard talk that it takes courage to live when you r in pain. but its a lie. it takes courage to die, to end your pain. like cutting off a limb that is rotting. it may hurt, but it will be better in the end. but i cant. i wish i could. even in this i have no spine, no guts, just like me dad always said. i bet u wish u hadn't read this. u dont know what to say to me. it makes u uncomfortable. im sorry for that. i warned u. i remember when i felt normal. reading this would have made me uncomfortable too. maybe someday i'll feel normal again. no hope.....if u did read this, dont reply. i wont really hurt myself. i'm trapped in this hell until my med starts working......i hope it starts working
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MARE1322
    I'll have to agree with some, that taking your own life is selfish and those left behind will be devastated and will have to carry on, wondering what they could have done to prevent it. You need to seek some counseling and you know that--you're a nurse. The fact that you wrote this is disturbing. I know people that have survived cancer (and some that haven't) that have shown courage and a never-ending will to survive. And, pain? Oh, yeah--they went through worst. With a husband and children, I can't understand how you don't have a will to live, which brings me back to the fact that you need to seek help. Please call your doctor. Apparently what you're on isn't helping or is causing you to be depressed in the worst way. We're here for you, but some things are out of our scope. Again, seek some help and we'll back you up every step of the way. emoticon
    4394 days ago
  • RRAGANS
    I have been where you are now. It's a scary place to be. I was there 8 years ago and it is still difficult for me to discuss or describe.

    You sound like a strong person. I know you love your husband and your children. It takes a huge amount of pain to even contemplate leaving them.

    Sometimes your mind can be your worst enemy. You are hearing that there is no way out of your situation (you said, "i am trapped"). You are at the stage of depression that says that your children would be better off without you. Depression causes our mind to trick us.

    Intellectually, you know that you are depressed, you know that your family needs you, but that knowledge is not making the pain go away.

    There are no easy answers, and you already know that as well. Hang on. You've already taken the step to adjust your meds. Shake up your daily routine. Make sure that you aren't alone. Watch comedies that will make you laugh-stay away from dramas.

    Remember that you are in no frame of mind to make any major decisions-especially not one as permanent as ending your life.

    We, as your DWD friends, understand the dark place that you're in. We've been there, and we made the journey out. YOU WILL TOO.

    We care, we really do!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4396 days ago
  • WESLEYSMAMA
    I love you, you are beautiful person, a strong and unique individual, you are a good wife and a good mother, and your family loves you, many others you do not even know love you. emoticon
    4397 days ago
  • PRINCESSTTM
    love you in the most universal way possible.... emoticon
    4397 days ago
  • METAMORPH2010
    I know exactly what you mean. I've been there -- wanting to do the deed, but afraid to do it.

    Bear in mind that the worst possible Christmas your kids could have would be one without you... a far worse Christmas than one without gifts.

    And hang on to the love that binds you to this earth. Cling to it. Soak it in. It means you are WORTH something!
    4397 days ago
  • LORITOT
    I agree with sweetspcl...no sugar coating. Taking your life is the easy way out. You have to think about the people you would leave behind, especially your children who will NEVER understand and will always carry that pain.

    There are ways to get help for the financial things you face. Call a place that helps consolidate debt and can even get some creditors to forgive your debt.

    Finally, absolutely Christmas is so much more than about the gifts. Kids can be very happy with time with you, especially if you have been mentally absent from them lately. Spend the day playing games together, volunteer your time to help others, read out loud, bake together. You will really feel good about those shared moments. What you face is fixable and you need to get the strength from your family, for your family. You CAN do this.
    4397 days ago
  • SWEETSPCL
    Well I'm going to reply because that fact that your blogging about your feelings says your trying to purge those thoughts out of your mind and that's a good thing. I'm a no holds bared type of person so this is straight from the hip with no sugar (which we need to be backing off of anyway...lol)

    You need more than ever to hold your family close to you. You mentioned somewhere about how you didn't know how you could give your kids a good Christmas. I'll tell you like I tell most folks, Christmas is not about gifts and moneys and if thats the reason your celebrating than you need to stop celebrating it.

    There are many others things you an do as a family that will help you grow as a family. Why don't you go to a shelter and help serve meals. It will help your family to remember that even if its dark now it could be worse. What about making a scapebook of memories ? What about homemade gifts using things that you can only find around the house. Your children could make a coupon book that says, I will clean my room, I will do the dishes, etc, etc. Get creative and celebrate the true meaning of Christmas which is LOVE.

    I have to disagree with you taking your life is an easy way out and a selfish way as well. You know that because you have mentioned how it would affect others if you did it. Put on your BIG GIRL panties and deal with the things that are going on. You've taken the first step to get your meds change but there is a lot more you can and need to do. You can handle this!!!!!!!
    4398 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment


    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.