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Binging, hitting bottom, and a new resolve

Saturday, November 01, 2008

This started out as a comment on a spark pal's blog and quickly grew in length to the point that I knew I needed to copy it here and keep writing...

Wednesday after work I found myself trying to figure out places on my way home that might have candy corn for sale. I knew my usual "dealer" for this drug of choice was out of it, so I stopped at a different corner market. They didn't have my preferred kind (Indian corn, with the cocoa part on the bottom) so I bought the jumbo bag of regular. (I didn't even know they MADE jumbo bags until then.) I wasn't going to open it. I was going to portion it out later in the week, when I'd had more time to get the sugar out of my system.
Like THAT'LL happen.
The whole bag was gone in 36 hours, and I was either gone or sleeping for all but 4-5 of those hours. I was able to do the portion thing successfully a few weeks earlier and make a (small) bag last for about ten days. But since then - nope. They might as well post a new section on their nutritional info that says "Tracy-size serving = 1 bag."

So yeah, I understand the shame factor. I've been having binges like that frequently this past few months, and last night I found myself feeling almost as desperate and disgusted with myself as I was when I joined SP last year. It's that same feeling of hitting what seems to be rock bottom. For a while there, I would have one 'bad day' and then 4-5 decent ones. Lately I'm struggling to have a decent day calorie-wise once a week. And that is just not working for me. Well - obviously it must be, to some extent, or I wouldn't keep doing it. But it is KILLING ME. It is depressing me and making me feel shame and fear as I see the number on the scale inch back up. I haven't figured out (or let myself figure out) the payoff that I'm getting from the behavior, but there obviously has to be one, beyond the "but it tastes good!" reason.

What am I accomplishing by eating so much, by feeding the emotions and the desire for taste and texture?

-I'm making myself crave the sugar and fat and FLAVORS even more.
-I'm making my blood sugar spike and my insulin go crazy in response. I can feel my heart beating a little harder in my chest, and I feel jittery, followed by the inevitable crash and desire for sleep.
-I'm giving myself bad breath and mild heartburn, which had completely disappeared when I gave up sugar in the past.
-I'm pushing steadily toward 220 again, instead of 210. HELLO??? Wrong way on that highway, sister!

So -- last night after a friend's Halloween party, while playing a game on the computer, I made the conscious choice to go ahead and finish off the last of the candy corn in the house. I was feeling disgusted with myself, and finally I felt a small tingle of that bittersweet resolve I'd felt in early July last year, when I hit rock bottom and started working toward a healthier weight. I made the decision, with full awareness, to finish off the candy and to not stop at any stores today for the after-Halloween sales. That's IT. No more. No more having 20% or more of my daily calories coming from empty sweet treats. I'm not saying I'm going to give up sugar completely - although I have successfully done that in the past. But I am giving up CANDY. No more candy. Period. End of story.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hugs, beloved. Hugs.
    I hear you.
    And now we are going to post our calories EVERY DAY! WTF.
    I'm reaching out to hold your hand.

    4457 days ago
    Good for you on the calorie intake today. I know the struggle of which you speak--intimately.

    (And I actually do crave both cauliflower and broccoli--just not as much as I crave melty cheese, white flour and white sugar, apparently!)

    Like I keep telling myself, this too shall pass--right?
    4457 days ago
    I totally relate to this blog. I have been struggling with this, and feeling myself slip back into those shameful habits..what's going ON? I think about it, but seems like the pattern doesn't lend itself to sane thinking processes, so you just get STUCK. I really think MOST of it comes down to planning healthy balanced meals, getting enough rest, drinking lots of water, and staying active...but who among us is able to keep that going EVERY DAY? Life just gets in the way of that sometimes! I find that I just fall into these slumps, and I can't seem to prevent it. They're like potholes in the road of life. Then you're miserable because it takes so long to recover! Such is life. I guess I'm saying you're not alone. There's no shame in confession...and it's great that you are beinghonest and dealing with it. All we can do is keep looking forward...keep TRYING...stay motivated and connected and keep ourselves accountable. You are doing all of those things, so that's GREAT! I believe in you, TOO! =) We're gonna make it. We won't give up, and we'll just keep giving it our's sure to pay off!
    4457 days ago
    I hear ya!! It's horrible how something like candy corn can get such a powerful grip on you and that 'want' just won't be satisfied with anything else. Why do we have that need/desire for bad stuff instead of good stuff. I've never heard anyone say that they crave cauliflower or broccolli. emoticon

    Somewhere within you, I know you have the power to say no and get past this. Your body knows it too, hence the tingle, it is coming back and you will gain control of this and drive in the right direction. I believe in you!


    4457 days ago
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