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My eyes are filled with tears

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Being obese most of my adult life was very lonely, hating myself for allowing myself to get so out of control. I tried so many times to lose weight and failed time after time. There was not a day that went by that my eyes weren't filled with tears. Tears of disappointment, pity, loneliness, hatred, failures, excuses and no self control. I couldn't seem to pick myself up out of the hole I dug for myself. It was too hard, it hurt too much and there was no motivation to do anything about my situation because I allowed all hurtful,hateful comments, being made fun of, and being ignored to cast many internal scars that would not heal. So I settled, and believed the hurtful words and comments and I gave up and thats where I sat for years I just didnt care. I didn't care how I looked, I didn't care what others said about me. I built walls all around me and didn't allow anyone in. On the outside I looked and acted fine but on the inside I was in a deep dark pain that no one saw. I saw no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. All I saw was a disgusting, ugly human being that I couldn't bare to look at.

Those of you who have never been severly obese cannot understand the depths of self-hatred that goes on inside your heart and mind. Obesity is not only physical but far more emotional, and only of us who have been there truly know what that feels like. So here I was 45 years old half my life is over no husband, no children, just me getting bigger and bigger. I reached 430lbs and I could not stop the tears from flowing from my eyes. Even now, writing this tears are flowing from my eyes because I can still remember and feel the pain. So what did I do??

I got mad, mad at myself for all the years I wasted being obese and feeling sorry for myself. For all my dumb and stupid excuses. For giving up because it was too hard, and believing all the hateful comments and hurtful words that were thrown at me. For not fighting for myself and not believing in myself, for believing the lie that if obesity runs in your family your doomed to be fat ALL LIES!!! So I finally said "NO MORE"!!!!


3 years have past and I am happy to say I am 200lbs lighter. I now weigh 220lbs Im not at my goal yet but I know I will get there. With Gods help and allowing him to heal my scars, heal my pain with his awesome love I can now look at myself without all the hatred and disgust. I now look at myself with eyes that are filled with joy.


Who am I that the Lord of all the earth will care to know my name would care to feel my hurt.

Who am I that the bright and morning star would choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart.

Not because of who I am but because of what you've done not because of what Ive done but because of who you are. I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind still you hear me when Im calling, Lord you catch me when Im falling and you told me who I am. I am yours.

Who am I that the eyes that see my sin would look on me with love and watch me rise again.

Who am I that the voice that calmed the sea would call out through the rain and would calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am but because of what you've done not because of what I've done but because of who you are. I am yours.

Thank you Jesus for rescuing me for my pit of my despair

Psalm 18:2
"The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold"

Psalm 30:5
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning".

Jesus first

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    2073 days ago
    I voted for you. Your such an inspiration to all. It's so easy to go w/ the flow of the world...& before we know it...we are out of control. Being a TRUE CHRISTIAN is not for wimps or weaklings. We arn't perfect...but thank God we are forgiven!!! I thank you from the bottom of my heart, for your prayers for my little dog. PRAYER is POWERFUL!!! emoticon
    4259 days ago
  • CAROL54904
    Thanks Be To God - and CONGRATS for finally taking control of YOURSELF!!! You are an inspiration!
    4262 days ago
    Sounded just like you got into my body and soul. The pen indeed is mightier than the sword!

    It was a blessing reading this. I have had some success but lately I have been stumbling. Have to keep asking the Lord to please help me! He does and He will.

    Head hunger has been slowly dragging me down that path.

    Praise report. Yesterday was a "good" day. So it was especially a good day for true Thankfulness. Just remember we must be thankful for each and every day.

    God Bless You.
    4267 days ago
  • SUNNYGAL2018
    what an inspiring blog!!! YOU are amazing!!
    you prove that with GOD all things are possible!!
    thanks for sharing with us here in your blog~
    God bless and looking forward to seeing you post with us on Gods Prayer Warriors Team~
    take care
    your friend
    4286 days ago
    I praise God for you and your courage to change! You are an inspiration!
    4297 days ago
    Your story made me cry, then my heart filled with joy when I read that you lost weight. I used to be teased when I was in the third grade. I am bi-racial, german & black. I used to go home and cry. It was hard to understand why people treated me different because I was black. The way I was treated caused me to feel ashamed of myself, and I too did not stand up for myself. Although my story is different from yours it was the worst school year of my life. We moved and I was never teased again. Keep letting God lead you to victory, and keep believing in yourself. Your spirit shines though your words - you are beautiful!!! emoticon emoticon
    4301 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1322168
    It breaks my heart to read about your pain and to know how it feels. I have been there and am still there even though the weight is gone the memories of the pain is still there-all the hurt and anguish over the weight. All that you are struggling with,I have been through so you are not alone in your walk. God is with you as he was with me during all of this. He is the only way I made it through. You can do it. Once you make it and the fat is gone-you will still hurt for all the people that never cared enough about you to notice you when you were fat...but now all of a sudden you are ok. You are still the same person you think to yourself and then you have to work on not resenting people for being shallow. Just because I am thin-now I am ok???? It can be a touch world out there-stay close to God and he will see you through.
    4301 days ago
    You said it all. All the pain, all the shame, all the guilt, all the heartache, all the remorse. Been there and felt that. I lost 50 pounds before any of my friends noticed. I always thought they thought about me the way I thought about me. Not so much I found out. They are all busy in their own lives and my weight problem wasn't their weight problem. They loved me just the same no matter what I weighed.
    I have made lots of changes over the past year and I plan to continue this for the rest of my life. It is a lifetime journey that I will need to follow because I am NEVER going back to where all that pain lives.
    I will lay the past at the the feet of the Lord just for today. He loved me when I was obese and He still does love me. I know He wants a healthy body and a healthy lifestyle for me. I have been obese and morbidly obese for 30 years. I am finally reaching the wonderful point of becoming overweight and not obese. Let them be tears of joy and thanksgiving from here on out. Thanks for your honesty and sharing. We all keep those feelings behind the walls of protection we've built. I am slowly tearing down the walls and the sunshine feels great. You have taken down a big brick of secrecy in this honest post and I stand in awe at the power of your words. May it reach just one more person and help them on their way. Let the Lord use our pain to stop someone else's suffering. PTL!
    4301 days ago
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