Being obese most of my adult life was very lonely, hating myself for allowing myself to get so out of control. I tried so many times to lose weight and failed time after time. There was not a day that went by that my eyes weren't filled with tears. Tears of disappointment, pity, loneliness, hatred, failures, excuses and no self control. I couldn't seem to pick myself up out of the hole I dug for myself. It was too hard, it hurt too much and there was no motivation to do anything about my situation because I allowed all hurtful,hateful comments, being made fun of, and being ignored to cast many internal scars that would not heal. So I settled, and believed the hurtful words and comments and I gave up and thats where I sat for years I just didnt care. I didn't care how I looked, I didn't care what others said about me. I built walls all around me and didn't allow anyone in. On the outside I looked and acted fine but on the inside I was in a deep dark pain that no one saw. I saw no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. All I saw was a disgusting, ugly human being that I couldn't bare to look at.
Those of you who have never been severly obese cannot understand the depths of self-hatred that goes on inside your heart and mind. Obesity is not only physical but far more emotional, and only of us who have been there truly know what that feels like. So here I was 45 years old half my life is over no husband, no children, just me getting bigger and bigger. I reached 430lbs and I could not stop the tears from flowing from my eyes. Even now, writing this tears are flowing from my eyes because I can still remember and feel the pain. So what did I do??
I got mad, mad at myself for all the years I wasted being obese and feeling sorry for myself. For all my dumb and stupid excuses. For giving up because it was too hard, and believing all the hateful comments and hurtful words that were thrown at me. For not fighting for myself and not believing in myself, for believing the lie that if obesity runs in your family your doomed to be fat ALL LIES!!! So I finally said "NO MORE"!!!!
NO MORE LIES, NO MORE EXCUSES, NO MORE FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF, THIS IS MY LIFE, I BLAME NO ONE BUT MYSELF I FINALLY HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY LIFE AND FOR MY WEIGHT. I DONT CARE HOW LONG IT TAKES, I DONT CARE HOW MUCH IT WILL HURT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!
3 years have past and I am happy to say I am 200lbs lighter. I now weigh 220lbs Im not at my goal yet but I know I will get there. With Gods help and allowing him to heal my scars, heal my pain with his awesome love I can now look at myself without all the hatred and disgust. I now look at myself with eyes that are filled with joy.
WHO AM I?
Who am I that the Lord of all the earth will care to know my name would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I that the bright and morning star would choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart.
Not because of who I am but because of what you've done not because of what Ive done but because of who you are. I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind still you hear me when Im calling, Lord you catch me when Im falling and you told me who I am. I am yours.
Who am I that the eyes that see my sin would look on me with love and watch me rise again.
Who am I that the voice that calmed the sea would call out through the rain and would calm the storm in me.
Not because of who I am but because of what you've done not because of what I've done but because of who you are. I am yours.
Thank you Jesus for rescuing me for my pit of my despair
"The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold"
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning".