One of those days
Friday, October 24, 2008
Today has been one of those days. It is not a bad day...just one I knew was coming. You know every time I decide to focus on weight loss.....I know I am going to have to face the emotional issues that come up when you are an emotional eater like myself.
So here is what I am thinking today. I think I use food to keep my body they way it is so that when my dreams and hopes and wants don't come true.....I can blame it on the weight rather then what I do and don't do. If I were to lose weight then I wouldn't have the weight to blame for a lot of my dreams not coming true. One of my ultimate dreams for my life is to see the world. I want to travel as much as possible.....I don't just want to see the world from pictures in a book....I want to see them with my own eyes. How do you pay for dreams like that? So do I use weight to keep from having to figure things out? Another hope I have for my life is to be loved....do I use weight as an excuse for this not happening? Do I use weight to keep people away so that it is the weight that is being rejected rather then the real me? The one deep inside...real me? Is my only companion in life to be food?
You know I have observed may people....I always look and think....are they happy with their companion? Do they really love each other? Why do they put up with the things they put up with...and most of the time I have decided that people put up with others so they do not have to be alone......they do not want to be without companionship. And with arrogance I have thought...I would rather be alone then with someone that was not right for me or met my needs.....and today it hit me.....I totally use food as my companion....when I am sad I eat...when I am lonely I eat...when I am bored I eat.....when I am scared....eat...and so on..... Here is the question. Does this meet my needs? No ....is it the companion I need for my life? Is all the weight I have put on good for me? Does it bring my life happiness and contentment? NO....NO....and NO. So why do I stay with it? I guess I have treated food like this....at least I have companionship with food.....and I guess to me that was better then the empty feeling that was not being met other ways.
Soooo.....here in lies the dilemma..... how do I change these feelings and old pattern of behavior? I guess I have to walk out on food....LOL I have to divorce food. You know.....LOL....I guess I need to treat food like a "friend with benefits" there when I need it.....but no real commitment....LOL.
Hummm.....I guess I need to ponder this a little more.
How to change my relationship with food. Not just in word...but in actions.