Sunday, October 05, 2008
Yesterday morning I got in my car with my fiancé's son, Tank. We were waiting for my Nick to move his butt out the door because we were going to go to the park on the river for the afternoon. I turned on the radio in the car and on the news station I head of a fatal car accident a town that I knew growing up. I heard the name of one of the drivers, it was my little step brother. I gasped.
20 years old, and a soldier in the military and he died not over seas where my younger sister is right now, but in a car accident in the town next to the one we grew up in. I started screaming, I hadn't seen my lil brother in 5 years because of a fight I had with his mother. I might not have liked her, but I did love my siblings. Even if they were only by her marrying in the family. I felt horrible for it all because he never got to see my son, my son never got to see his uncle who loved the same sports that he does. That wanted to be a race car drive just like his uncle did when he was little. My Dozer would have loved and adored his uncle.
But they never got to meet. And I missed out on 5 years of my brother's life. I kept up on what he was up to without anyone knowing. I knew he had a gf, and my heart breaks for her right now. I kept up on his soccer games and even showed up at his and his sister's graduations, just to see my little siblings graduate. My sister would let me know how they were doing and it helped.
And yet now I wish I had reached out to him, called him up. Invited him to things with my fiancé and our sons. Instead now, my little brother is dead. And all I have are the memories of him grossing me out, chasing me around with snakes and freaking me out when he would lift up his shirt as a kid and suck in his tummy and you could see all his ribs.
The odd thing is, my Dozer does that too to freak me out. He is very much like the uncle he never got to know.