Wednesday, September 03, 2008
I am so ashamed to post this, but everyone keeps telling me to journal what is going on with me, that it will help me get through this very difficult time I seem to be having. I thought I was dealing with everything okay, but I guess deep down I am not. For the last week, week and a half I have done nothing but eat, non stop and I can't seem to get a grip on it. If you look at my food tracker, I have not been keeping it, knowing what it will tell me. It started about a week ago, I realized that my birthday was coming up, it was yesterday. Now I don't worry about what number it is, I turned 48. I thank God that he has let me live this long. But what did hit me like a ton of bricks was this was my first birthday without my dad. My mom has been gone for 11 years and I just lost my dad last Sept. 20th. I was always a daddy's girl, more so since I lost my mom. I miss him so much. Every year for the past several years we have gone to Holiday World with my husband's brother and family on Labor Day. Last year they wanted to go on Sunday instead of Monday since their youngest son is still in grade school. Last year the day we went to Holiday World was on my birthday. Instead of spending the last birthday I had with my dad I went elsewhere. I feel so guilty about that. This past Sunday morning when I got up I had a voice mail on my cell phone. The last 8-9 years my dad had a lady friend that he would take to coffee, supper, she came and kept him company, helped me take care of my dad when he was sick etc... She passed away Saturday night. I didn't even know she was in the hospital. She was diagnosed with cancer about a month and half ago, but she was taking chemo and I thought she was doing ok. I tried calling her last week a couple of times, but didn't get her.
Next Thursday, Sept. 11th, my husband will be having surgery. Deep down I believe he will be okay, but I am so emotional right now it scares me to pieces. The week after that is the anniversary of my Dad's death.
I know all excuses, I know this, but why can't I get a grip on things and eat and work out like I know I should? I know what to do, I have everything here to do it I just can't seem to stay on track.
Am I crazy? Am I just using all of these things as excuses? I don't know. I don't know what to do to get me back on track. I do know that I don't want to go back to where I was. I know my dad would not want that for me. Thank you for listening to my ranting and ramblings. Maybe this will put all of these thoughts and feelings to the forefront of my mind and maybe I can deal with them and get back with it. I just don't know!