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A Woman's Week at the Gym

Sunday, August 31, 2008


A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.


Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear.


My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

______________________________
__
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!


Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!



TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.



WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the h*ll would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.



THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bi*ch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.



FRIDAY:
I hate that bi*ch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells oranything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a drama coach or a choir director?


SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.



SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year mydaughter
(the little sh*t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or
a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!






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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DORZILLA
    That is too funny.
    emoticon
    4609 days ago
  • FRYCHICKENISHA
    Suzy6281 sent this to me yesterday in an email and I was laughing so hard people were walking by my office saying "what's going on?" I totally sympathize with you. I loved how the work out coach changed from being pretty to evil. LOL emoticon
    4609 days ago
  • DETERMINED604
    I loved it!!
    4610 days ago
  • TWEAVER0715
    I love it. You seem to always come up with real good ones.
    4610 days ago
  • SUZY6281
    Very funny!! Made me choke on my coffee!

    I loved the line:
    "The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a drama coach or a choir director? "

    Totally cracked me up.

    Suzy
    emoticon
    4610 days ago
  • STARDUSTD
    That is absolutely priceless. I about pissed myself reading it. emoticon
    4610 days ago
  • GRAPEVINE60
    I've read this before. It always makes my day! Thanks.
    4611 days ago
  • SQUIRTZIE
    Priceless!! I laughed so hard while reading this I just barely made it to the bathroom.
    I don't think having those gorgeous tight bodied women makes us want to work out--at least I know I don't. I look at them and I get discouraged before I even start.
    And a hysterectomy is not all bad!!
    4612 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    Oh, I love it.
    4612 days ago
  • DEB714
    I laughed so hard reading this and had to read it to my husband who was also laughing. I hate going to health clubs with "perky" trainers. I want a trainer that looks like me now and we can become "afters" together.
    Thanks for this Ro, you are a kick.

    Deb
    4612 days ago
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