A Woman's Week at the Gym

Sunday, August 31, 2008


This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the h*ll would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bi*ch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

I hate that bi*ch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells oranything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a drama coach or a choir director?

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year mydaughter
(the little sh*t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or
a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    That is too funny.
    4609 days ago
    Suzy6281 sent this to me yesterday in an email and I was laughing so hard people were walking by my office saying "what's going on?" I totally sympathize with you. I loved how the work out coach changed from being pretty to evil. LOL emoticon
    4609 days ago
    I loved it!!
    4610 days ago
  • TWEAVER0715
    I love it. You seem to always come up with real good ones.
    4610 days ago
  • SUZY6281
    Very funny!! Made me choke on my coffee!

    I loved the line:
    "The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a drama coach or a choir director? "

    Totally cracked me up.

    4610 days ago
    That is absolutely priceless. I about pissed myself reading it. emoticon
    4610 days ago
    I've read this before. It always makes my day! Thanks.
    4611 days ago
    Priceless!! I laughed so hard while reading this I just barely made it to the bathroom.
    I don't think having those gorgeous tight bodied women makes us want to work out--at least I know I don't. I look at them and I get discouraged before I even start.
    And a hysterectomy is not all bad!!
    4612 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    Oh, I love it.
    4612 days ago
  • DEB714
    I laughed so hard reading this and had to read it to my husband who was also laughing. I hate going to health clubs with "perky" trainers. I want a trainer that looks like me now and we can become "afters" together.
    Thanks for this Ro, you are a kick.

    4612 days ago
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