Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sometimes I'm content with all that I have...thankful for it, as a matter of fact. I realize I could easily be living under a bridge somewhere, locked in the horror of a mind twisted by years of illness, pain and yielding to fear and depression. (The more we yield to fear, the deeper its tentacles reach into our brains and squeeze the life from us.) I have much to be thankful for.

Other days...like today, I am disgusted with my lack of tangible progress toward health and fitness and tired of the battle. So I decided to work. That is the quickest remedy for depression for me...to feel that I am accomplishing something, however small. I uploaded all the photos I shot at the charity benefit last night...the one I did the decorated star for, a month or so back. I will eventually have to use them to write an article about it in some form or other. I went with 2 friends...saw a dozen or so other old friends that I had not seen in some time, since they all live in another town...listened to a really good band, had tasty gluten free food that didn't shoot the diet all to heck...and came home thoroughly depressed.

I realized that it was because in all the labor and activity, I feel goals and dreams slipping away. I want to write a record of the things I've learned from life before that life is gone. I want my son to know where I've come from...where he's come from...so that he knows it is possible to not be destroyed by the hammering of life...so he will not fear for me, but can live his life with joy and strength. (He does anyway, for the most part. He's far stronger than I was at his age, that's for sure!) My strength continues to be limited, and I have to stringently prioritize what I give it to. Parties...even lovely parties with friends, where I am a "guest of honor" so to speak, tend to sap my energy rather than renewing it. I like to simply put in a brief appearance and leave, but I was riding with friends, since my car is not highway worthy. I'm coming off as an ungrateful, ungracious, sniveling whiner here. So be it. I'm groping for a way through this maze of how to live life most effectively.

So I reminded myself that what I am doing...even the party...is giving me the chance to earn a living in teensy little baby steps.

But I wanted a refuge today...a home and garden and horses and a view of the sea with the wind blowing the salt smell across my skin and the taste of it on my lips and the quiet...ah, the quiet of stars when the moon is full, and the grass stirs softly beneath it...and I am alone to wonder at the mind of the God who could make such things and feel His pleasure in it and in me. That is what the picture is about...a house I ran across in a magazine somewhere that said to me, "Oh yes...that would do quite nicely."

Meanwhile, back on the front lines...I've put in a whopping 15 minutes 3 times a week on the Nordic Track for the past 3 weeks...not likely to produce a sleek and toned body any time soon! That is part of why the fatigue of the rest of my life is getting to me, but the tiny bit of exercise is also a source of stubborn hope. When I'm able to feel the muscles working, and the lungs sucking in air, I know I'm at least moving, not lying dead on the battlefield.

So here's to all of us who have dared to enter life's arena and do battle. May we "live long and prosper!"

P. S. I put a picture on my photo page of me and the 2 friends I was with from last night's Gala!
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JIBBIE49
    I just love your "hair cut" and want one for me, too. You are doing great!
    I went to the HEALTH FOOD STORE the other day and read a lot of books in their "free book" section. I sure see a lot of people coming in that store who have serious health problems. It just doesn't seem right, when we live in a country with lots of food. Something isn't right in DODGE. emoticon
    3888 days ago
    I am with you on the serene retreat. I was aching for just such a thing this weekend.
    Were I there, I'd make you "set a spell" while I made tea and just let you relax and rest.
    3890 days ago
    How beautiful written. I love it all.
    Yes it can be very tiring to be with people. Right after my gall bladder surgery I was putting in 10 to 12 hour days of "social involvement" and found it quite exhausting.
    When you get used to your own thoughts and the quiet of solitutude and reflection, many people can make you feel bombarded. Even invaded!
    Oprah talks about listening to God "whisper". I think you described that whispering with the salt air, soft breeze..... Sometimes the noise drowns out that whispering.
    I love my on line friends because I come to them ready and leave when I don't have energy to spare. It is peaceful and blessed.
    I am thrilled to have you in my life. There can never be too many wise women to share thoughts with....
    3890 days ago
    So clear, so poignant, so real. Thank you for sharing this with us. Startwalking is right, it is a brilliant blog post. Your gratitude is evident along with your questions, but I've always thought we are curious beings in part because God welcomes our questions.

    If doing lots of writing is difficult, have you thought of speaking your story into a tape recorder? In our family, oral history is done a lot. My brother did one with our mother on the occasion of her 80th birthday. Now that she's nearly 94 and can no longer recall so many details, having those tapes is very precious to us all.

    Bless you friend. May YOU live long and prosper.
    3890 days ago
    What a brilliant blog post. I am truly inspired by your strength, grace, and determination. Yes, may we live long and prosper, my friend!
    3890 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by OUTOFIDEAS