Wait! WHY Am I Doing This?!
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Action Step: write about a single "trouble goal"
My thoughts wandered and tried to wrap around the instructions in the lifestyle change strategy. What HAS caused me trouble in my weight loss strategies through the years?
Perhaps the biggest deterrent has been that it never seemed quite worth it. No matter how much weight I lost, there were still people who were thinner who thought I was fat. There were still hundreds of guys who weren't attracted to me. There was still a myriad of assorted (usually the very thin "I can eat anything" types) people who were ready to look at me critically say, "you just have to make up your mind." There were still health insurance companies that looked at a number on a page and said, "sorry; too fat for us to issue your health insurance"
There were serious wardrobe challenges, as well. I would clean out my closet time after time after a year at the same weight. Size 22. Clean out the closet. Toss out the 16s. Two years later, size 20, tossing out the 22s. Not too much down the line, borrowing Mom's 24s because they covered the fact that I had gained so much weight. Lose weight. Gain weight. Try to live healthy. Try to change. Buy new clothes. Gain the weight back. Get rid of the new clothes. Get discouraged. Backtrack. Skip it. Who needs it?
I think the only real concentrated weight loss "attempt" that I made was Weight Watchers, and it just seemed to take over my life. I lost weight, but I didn't want weight loss to take over my life. It seemed that WW was doing that, and I don't like to focus on food so much that it feels like it's bad. It was like abstaining from food was a good thing, but for some reason my "bad" body still wanted it. So often when people say "I'm being good" in regard to their diet, I take personal offense and think, "so if you mess up on the diet, that makes you a bad person?!" For some reason, I reflect that onto myself and simply get angry about it. lol I'm learning to deal with this a bit better, but I am on a bit of a crusade against people saying "I'm being good" in relation to not eating a piece of chocolate.
This time around, things have been slow and steady. I'm patting myself on the back regularly. I'm in a support group that has been where I am (never been "skinny"). The live WW meetings were depressing most of the time, with me looking around the room for people my size. Almost all the people there - who felt they needed to lose weight - were about the size I DREAMED of being. Talk about bitter! I was bitter many times over that fact.
This time around, I am shopping clearance racks for size medium and large. The plain old M and L on the tags. I don't remember if I've shopped for Mediums. Ever. But they are in the back of my closet now with the Larges that I can almost wear right now. Cheap clothes from spring and summer clearance sales, but clothes that will be there for me once I reach my goals. No fear that I'll look awful with clothes that are hanging off me. The clothes that were baggy or slipping off my waist are in a box to be given away. No turning back. Period.
It is worth it, no matter what the skinny people in the world may think.
It's worth it, no matter how irritated I may get at that first guy whose eyes light up at my new figure.
It's worth it, even if I have to take a little extra time to determine who saw me for what was inside first.
It's worth it, even though I hate the idea of being "eye candy" to someone. Those type of girls always seemed frustratingly shallow. I know I can lose weight without losing brain cells. lol
It's not about getting depressed and giving up now.
It's about being healthy.
It's about living life without that pain in my knee that had been bothering me for so long.
It's about having energy and being able to clean my house for hours on end without that exhaustion that I used to feel.
It's about my original intent: to make my body a clean temple for the Spirit of God to dwell.
It's about taking care of the only body that I will ever be given, and being a good steward of what God has given me.
It's about being able to enjoy life with my husband and children (if God allows someday).
It's about living life to its fullest potential.
Who cares what other people say and think? I'm not doing it for them. I have two people to please right now:
I don't think this is where the question was leading me, but it's okay. It felt good to get all that off my chest. :-)