The last month-plus has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. After an especially rough grief counseling session, I crashed and burned... I stayed down and out for a full week, completely off-line and self-isolated.
Then, somehow I made a move forward. I started with the baby step of opening my email, deleting my spam and reading the personal messages. Then, slowly, I gathered the Spark emails in one folder, and came back to SP.
Over the next week or so, I caught up all my trackers from the written records I'd kept, as well as working on Spark daily. I keep telling myself to ALLOW myself to take it slow, to accept the small steps as progress and not stress over needing so much time.
Even so, I still FEEL like I'm floundering, struggling every day (and night) to "get it together" again. When I look closer at the details of each day, however, I do see I'm accomplishing more task-wise and living more healthily more consistently than before.
A big first step I've taken that seems to be helping is writing in my journal - not just telling the facts of what's been happening, but REALLY talking about what I'm feeling. I have been so - so - so - it's hard to find the words... crazed, numb, fragile, angry, frustrated, scattered, stymied, achingly sad... overwhelmed.
Honestly facing (some of the) daily happenings and other events that are causing these feelings wasn't easy, but it felt like a definitive step towards finding some kind of "repose." This "got to feel it before you deal with it" is - at least it feels like - more than I can do now!
The sadness is too much, trying to be "normal" is too hard, going into a store or picking up a phone is a major challenge, and I never know when I'll dissolve into tears. I don't know how I'll be able to make it through... Yet even as I say that, I KNOW I WILL.
I'll put one foot in front of the other, face each night and each morning as it comes; and when the sad memories overcome me, I'll remember the many good times we shared with Scott, and the abundant blessings I was given being Scott's Mom.
[The photo is our grandbaby Kaile (then age 3), in her Flower Girl dress
and holding her Lambie, at daughter Aubrey's wedding reception.]