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Slowly working on getting it together

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The last month-plus has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. After an especially rough grief counseling session, I crashed and burned... I stayed down and out for a full week, completely off-line and self-isolated.

Then, somehow I made a move forward. I started with the baby step of opening my email, deleting my spam and reading the personal messages. Then, slowly, I gathered the Spark emails in one folder, and came back to SP.

Over the next week or so, I caught up all my trackers from the written records I'd kept, as well as working on Spark daily. I keep telling myself to ALLOW myself to take it slow, to accept the small steps as progress and not stress over needing so much time.

Even so, I still FEEL like I'm floundering, struggling every day (and night) to "get it together" again. When I look closer at the details of each day, however, I do see I'm accomplishing more task-wise and living more healthily more consistently than before.

A big first step I've taken that seems to be helping is writing in my journal - not just telling the facts of what's been happening, but REALLY talking about what I'm feeling. I have been so - so - so - it's hard to find the words... crazed, numb, fragile, angry, frustrated, scattered, stymied, achingly sad... overwhelmed.

Honestly facing (some of the) daily happenings and other events that are causing these feelings wasn't easy, but it felt like a definitive step towards finding some kind of "repose." This "got to feel it before you deal with it" is - at least it feels like - more than I can do now!

The sadness is too much, trying to be "normal" is too hard, going into a store or picking up a phone is a major challenge, and I never know when I'll dissolve into tears. I don't know how I'll be able to make it through... Yet even as I say that, I KNOW I WILL.

I'll put one foot in front of the other, face each night and each morning as it comes; and when the sad memories overcome me, I'll remember the many good times we shared with Scott, and the abundant blessings I was given being Scott's Mom.

[The photo is our grandbaby Kaile (then age 3), in her Flower Girl dress
and holding her Lambie, at daughter Aubrey's wedding reception.]
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon God love your sweet soul~ and what a beautiful granddaughter! emoticon BB~
    961 days ago
    3741 days ago
    Hello-I had also lost my sister, my friend, my laughing partner....In 2005 and I fell apart for so long. I gained weight just eating whatever was in sight-isolated myself and thought I was going crazy..BUT I had other family members especially my sisters children help me get back on my feet. It is a long journey and I will never forget my sister but I have neices and nephews that look up to me for comfort...I think your daughter and grandkids are worth looking forward to each and everyday.. I just recently joined SP and I already love this site...why didn't I find this site earlier-???
    Here's a HUG for you!!! emoticon emoticon
    3816 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3903 days ago
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    3904 days ago
    you will make it through because you are strong! but you will be different when you do. you've lost a very important piece of your heart and you will never be the same. the fact that you keep getting up every day and accomplish anything makes you a strong determined person who knows the value of life and will make sure you keep living it. I am so glad you are journalling your feelings. I think that is so important when you have a life changing event as you have had. You are an inspiration to me and many others! I pray you find some peace!

    That is a beautiful picture. Very spiritual!
    3933 days ago
    I love the picture of your grandbaby, and it's nice to see you on SparkPeople. I'm glad you logged in and blogged.
    3937 days ago
    Just to let you know I'm praying for you. God will help you through this. There ARE better days ahead. God bless you and your family. I am here for you. emoticon
    3937 days ago
    Elizabeth... I have no idea how difficult this must all be... it sounds as though you have the underlying strength to make it though as Scott would want you to. God Bless... Kathy
    3937 days ago
    What a beautiful picture.
    You are always in my prayers Elizabeth emoticon emoticon
    3937 days ago
    God Bless and I am glad you are finding your way it must be hard but your doing it.

    Chunk emoticon
    3938 days ago
    3938 days ago
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