BOADECIA

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Not the Fat Girl Anymore

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Well, I took a mental break to get my head straight and it helped immensely. I kept on the path and have lost 8 pounds since my last journal entry. Go me!

One thing I've been concerned about as my weight has been shrinking is what my identity will be once I reach my goal. I've always been the fat girl. Always. I was diagnosed as obese when I was 8 years old. I've never been an average teenager, young adult or adult.

I've always been the fat girl.

When I approach people, I'm a fat girl.
When I smile at people on the street, I'm a fat girl.
When I walk up to the meat counter to get meat, I'm a fat girl.

I've never existed in this world as anything but a fat girl. This worried me because I have a lot of rage with being the fat girl. I never thought my curves were what "real women" have. I always thought my rolls were fat and a sign of my continued failure against food.

I had an online friend give me a gift by accident. We talked about relationships and gender relations mostly, and of course my role as the fat girl was the only way I could see relationships. Despite his attempts to help me see weight wasn't what was holding me back, I could only see my past and how men have treated me because of my weight.

Suddenly, I realized something while crying alone one night. I'm not the fat girl anymore. I'm Bi. I'm still fat, but I'm not that identity anymore. I work out every day, and I enjoy it. I eat healthily every day, and I enjoy it. I want to run, leap, fall, fly, trip, soar, dance, and love. I want to enjoy life. I want to live! I'm not this identity that I never wanted but couldn't let go of out of fear.

I'm not The Fat Girl anymore.

When I approach people, I'm Bi.
When I smile at people on the street, I'm Bi.
When I walk up to the meat counter to get meat, I'm Bi.

This is my identity. This is my truth. This is my reality.

I'm Biancka.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • RUSSELLORAMA
    What a great post. It really touched me, and reminded me of how hard we can be on ourselves. I hope you are very proud of your progress, physically and mentally. You are Done Being the Fat Girl!! (that's the name of one of my SparkTeams - I couldn't resist!)

    emoticon
    4571 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/19/2008 6:42:02 PM
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