And on the 5 th day she faltered!!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Ok, so today is the fifth day of my quit and I just had to blow it by slipping and having half a cigarette. Why do we do this to ourselves? I wish I could figure out the answer to that question. Not only did I smoke half a cigarette but I had McDonalds on top of it. I just barely went over my calories for the day, but that isn't the point. It seems like sabotage is the only thing I know. I knew things were going to smoothly. I really don't have that many cravings . It's a mind thing. I get angry coz I can't smoke. It is so stupid. You would think after all I went through with cancer and chemo , the last thing I would do to myself is smoke. You go through losing your hair, everything tastes bad, you hurt, your tired all the time. And the worst was I couldn't even lose weight on chemo.The nurse said I should be glad coz most people gain weight. I couldn't believe it. Here I thought I'd finally be this skinny person , without hair of course, but thin none the less. I'm just trying to add a little humor to this most irritating day. I guess it could be that I'm not feeling to good today so I just don't care what I do. I hate days like this. I have spent my life with to many days like this. That is why I gained weight in the first place. A little slip here a little slip there and it adds up. You look in the mirror and can't figure out why you don't like your hair. I did that once. Couldn't figure out why I didn't like my hair and one day I realized it wasn't my hair that had changed, it was the face. My face had gotten fatter and I hated it. I had worked hard to lose weight 20yrs ago and here was that face back again. I've changed the face a little bit with the weight I've lost but it can creep back anytime it wants to. That is why I'm upset. The cigarette the McDonalds all of it. It creeps up on you . It is time to be more vigilant. I slipped and I admit it. It is off my chest. I feel better because I have admitted to both of my bobos. I can only say that it is wonderful having someplace to come to and write done my thoughts and feelings. Someplace where someone will understand what the heck is going through my head, coz they have been there themselves. Ok I feel so much better.