I had a realization. This is probably a big "DUH", but it took this long for me to truly understand it. I've been floundering for several weeks, both emotionally and physically. I've been binging for at least three weeks, turning to food for comfort even as I know it's not helping in the least. I'd get overwhelmed and crawl into a cocoon, losing days at a time.
I seem strong to others - my faith is strong, and I AM strong in some ways - but inside of me, I know I'm falling apart. For example, right in the middle of a phone call with a close friend, I broke down. She was telling me about her new job, and I said, "you have all these wonderful new beginnings, that's great!" - and I meant it - but then I blurted out, "...and I feel like my life ended on February 27th."
I've been telling myself, "tomorrow I'll feel better - then I can do these required, emotional tasks, sending out death certificates, doing the paperwork necessary; then I can get back on track, food-wise and emotionally. Tomorrow will be different." But the next morning comes, and I'm no more able to change my current pattern than the day (and weeks) before.
So, my realization?
I'M GOING TO FEEL LOUSY.
It will be a given fact, when I wake up and as I go through my day, I WILL feel LOUSY! I've got to stop thinking, tomorrow will be better, I'm going to feel okay, and THEN I can get started on what I need to do. Not going to happen, not for a long time, so deal with it and JUST DO IT! (to borrow a phrase from Nike). Like I said, a real "DUH", but a moment of clarity for me.
These last two weeks I've been working with a local non-profit group (in which both Scott and Aubrey participated) on a big fundraiser, which was dedicated to Scott's memory. Wednesday, April 30th, was the event, and it went very well; Aubrey and I spoke before the show about Scott, and about their excellent program. A documentary was being filmed there; I'm to get a copy when it's completed.
I spent the day preparing, creating a new posterboard of photos of Scott, gathering my thoughts for the speech, and finding the strength and calmness to complete the evening in one piece. I was doing "okay" when it all ended and I came home - but I crashed anyway. I fought my sleepiness, staying up and binging.
Yesterday, Thursday, was lost in a haze: procrastinating, sitting, binging again... but then something changed. I put down the bag of candy and ate healthily, and got some work done. Kaile was here for dinner - again healthy choices - and I played with Kaile all evening! But when Kaile's mom picked her up that night, and I had to face the real world again, I wanted to binge again. I wanted to stop feeling again.
Well, I didn't. I had a healthy snack, went to bed earlier than usual, slept well through the night, and started today with a whole different feeling in my heart. On Wednesday night, before I spoke I kept saying, "I can do this," over and over. Well, I can do THIS too. I can get back on track. I faced the scale, moved my ticker up, caught up all my trackers, and I'm ready to face the real world - one step at a time.