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A Realization - A New Start with Hope

Friday, May 02, 2008

I had a realization. This is probably a big "DUH", but it took this long for me to truly understand it. I've been floundering for several weeks, both emotionally and physically. I've been binging for at least three weeks, turning to food for comfort even as I know it's not helping in the least. I'd get overwhelmed and crawl into a cocoon, losing days at a time.

I seem strong to others - my faith is strong, and I AM strong in some ways - but inside of me, I know I'm falling apart. For example, right in the middle of a phone call with a close friend, I broke down. She was telling me about her new job, and I said, "you have all these wonderful new beginnings, that's great!" - and I meant it - but then I blurted out, "...and I feel like my life ended on February 27th."

I've been telling myself, "tomorrow I'll feel better - then I can do these required, emotional tasks, sending out death certificates, doing the paperwork necessary; then I can get back on track, food-wise and emotionally. Tomorrow will be different." But the next morning comes, and I'm no more able to change my current pattern than the day (and weeks) before.

So, my realization?


It will be a given fact, when I wake up and as I go through my day, I WILL feel LOUSY! I've got to stop thinking, tomorrow will be better, I'm going to feel okay, and THEN I can get started on what I need to do. Not going to happen, not for a long time, so deal with it and JUST DO IT! (to borrow a phrase from Nike). Like I said, a real "DUH", but a moment of clarity for me.

These last two weeks I've been working with a local non-profit group (in which both Scott and Aubrey participated) on a big fundraiser, which was dedicated to Scott's memory. Wednesday, April 30th, was the event, and it went very well; Aubrey and I spoke before the show about Scott, and about their excellent program. A documentary was being filmed there; I'm to get a copy when it's completed.

I spent the day preparing, creating a new posterboard of photos of Scott, gathering my thoughts for the speech, and finding the strength and calmness to complete the evening in one piece. I was doing "okay" when it all ended and I came home - but I crashed anyway. I fought my sleepiness, staying up and binging.

Yesterday, Thursday, was lost in a haze: procrastinating, sitting, binging again... but then something changed. I put down the bag of candy and ate healthily, and got some work done. Kaile was here for dinner - again healthy choices - and I played with Kaile all evening! But when Kaile's mom picked her up that night, and I had to face the real world again, I wanted to binge again. I wanted to stop feeling again.

Well, I didn't. I had a healthy snack, went to bed earlier than usual, slept well through the night, and started today with a whole different feeling in my heart. On Wednesday night, before I spoke I kept saying, "I can do this," over and over. Well, I can do THIS too. I can get back on track. I faced the scale, moved my ticker up, caught up all my trackers, and I'm ready to face the real world - one step at a time.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    What a strong and courageous soul you are, dear heart! After all you've been through, lost, and endured, you are truly an amazing woman. I can relate to that feeling of falling apart on the inside while the rest may think of you as invincible. That's when I have to give it over to God~ for it is in my weakness that He is strong and glorified. God bless you, dear one~ I believe you can do whatever you set your mind to do. emoticon BB~ emoticon
    993 days ago
  • JOAN135
    Just wanted you to know that I just prayed for you. Prayer helps so much. Whenever you are feeling like you need some extra help, look to our Lord above. He will always be there for you. God bless you and keep you in his care. Things will just keep getting better and better because you are truly a strong woman.

    3875 days ago
    Yes, you can do this. The greiving process can take up to several years. It's something we can't rush and shouldn't try. We heal much better it we go through the stages. Hang in there, things will get better as time goes by.
    3883 days ago
  • IOWAGAL1957
    i feel your inner strength, maybe it was overwhelmed for a time... it is only to be expected at such a time. now i hear you saying that you are ready to start picking up the things that you put aside for a time. that is strength. i'm not here to say that it will be easy or that you will not have this pain and struggle for a long time. you will, but you also will begin to have days when that is not all that there is. i can't say when, but you will. i believe that. take care. janie
    3998 days ago
    I believe there is a lot of power in embracing the lousy feeling and forging ahead. It's like you dampen drama by giving it less "head space". Well-that's how I took your story and I felt like I have definitely felt that transition at points in my life. Sending you an internet hug and wishes for healing and strength.
    4001 days ago
    Elizabeth -so glad your picking up. This is going to hurt a lot for a long time. Scott would be wanting you to look after yourself through all this. Try to think of that when the temptation to binge hits. Many hugs to you in this awful time.
    4003 days ago
    Elizabeth... your personal health challenges are so much larger and more difficult to overcome now with the element of grief. Please lean on your spark community of friends that care about you. My heart is always with you and my arms are always ready to throw around you with a hug... Kathy
    4006 days ago
    BIG, big hugs to you. emoticon
    4007 days ago
    I am so glad you have found what it takes to make a new start with hope. You have been through a really tough year and that takes a huge toll on a person. Now you have found you hope and i wish you the very best as you work at moving forward. Getting you sleep, drinking plenty of water and eating healthy food will all help you to feel better and to get healthier. My sympathy for all you have gone through and my very best wishes as you move forward.
    Joyce emoticon
    4008 days ago
    Oh sweety, I so feel your pain. But I do think you are now on the right track. Remember we are here for you when ever you need us. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) Kanern emoticon
    4008 days ago
    I know it is really hard and i wish there was more that i cold do to help ease your pain but God and Time does that but I pray for you every day and I know it hurts i really do. Your doing well though and remembering the good things and the lives scott touched like i said before now he will live on through others and tell everyone the storys about him so that the family keeps the storys of him going from generation to generation I know god hears you but he must of needed scott for something. I pray with you and for you each day.

    God Bless.

    4009 days ago
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