Jolene, my alter ego
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Last week was a doozie for me and on Sunday I felt like just laying around all day and watching my White Sox and Cubbies play baseball. I didn't change out of my nightgown and wore my bathrobe all day. Towards dinnertime my friend Snack came by for his daily visit and asked what was up with my choice of clothing. My explanation brought back some old, but not so good, feelings about my former life as a heavier person.
Years ago when I was busy raising two small children, running a household with a sort of absentee husband/father, I followed the all too real mother complex of, "family first, me later." I had reached my highest weight of 236 and was living in too tight jeans and oversize tshirts. When the weekend rolled around I was tired, frustrated, and sick of my weight issues. I couldn't wait for the weekend when I could live in my bathrobe. From sun up till sundown I busied myself around the house or stayed in the backyard so no one would see me. I felt the most comfortable in these clothes. No waistband digging into my skin. No constant tugging at my shirt to make sure it was covering my rolls and my butt. No worrying about what I ate. (bathrobe ties are VERY forgiving!) For 2 days I couldn't care less how I came across to my friends and family....I was comfortable!
In order to validate the reasoning behind my weekend dress, I invented my alter ego, Jolene. Jolene was the trailer park lady in the movies that walked around in her stained muumuu with her hair in various stages of disarray, cigarette hanging out of the corner of her mouth, beer in hand and kids hanging from her legs. She was happy with her lot in life and didn't apologize to anybody! She was my excuse for my actions. Don't blame me, blame Jolene for taking over my body...and my bathrobe!
I was content but at the same time ashamed of how I was treating myself. But there she was, every weekend, waiting for me to cross over to her side of the trailer. Sometimes I resisted, but for the most part, I welcomed the relief with open arms.
That was many years ago and I have been on many diets before I finally realized that I AM worth my time! Jolene hadn't been around for a while until this weekend and after having related the story to my friend I couldn't wait to run to my bedroom to change into my clothes, even though it was 6 pm, I couldn't risk the chance that Jolene would again feel at home in my body, but most of all...in my mind!
(I hope I didn't offend anyone with this story. It was not meant to stereotype any one person or lifestyle)