Monday, April 21, 2008
I am in dire need of a 'cranial-rectal extraction.' That's my technical way of saying I need to get my head out of my butt. I worked my butt off for like 3 months and got down to 285, and then I hit the wall. I just plain quit eating right and working out. Now I am back up to 295 which is where my body seems to "like" being. I hate this more than I can even express. I am pissed at myself and pissed at the world because I can't do it. Then I keep asking myself - "Is it that I can't? or that I "don't want to." And I can't even answer myself. I don't know anymore. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. I want my doctor to stop pointing out that I'm fat and help me by offering ideas, solutions, hope. I get 30 seconds of nothing....hmmm, maybe I need a new doctor!
So I decided that since trying to do this on my own is not working for me, I have to do something else. So this week I am going to get to Snap Fitness. I can do a week's free membership to test drive the place. Then I can go from there. I have money saved that I'm sitting on. Can I afford to belong to this place? I don't know - but I do know that I cannot stand to be this big, fat, hopeless sloppy woman one more day. Something has to change - me! I just need to get someone real right here local to help me. I have NO ONE HERE. I have no mate, my best friend doesn't care to sweat and is far too busy, I have no co-workers nearby, and I don't know anyone else. None of my family cares to work out, so it's just me. Alone.
While I love my on-line friends, it's just not enough. It is too easy to hide or lie when no one is here to see what is really going on. Not that I've been lying. I've just been under my rock for the last 2 months. So here I am 3 months from my 25 year class reunion only 5 lbs. lighter than I started in January. That is just plain pathetic. Clearly I can't find the answer on my own.
Honestly, if I can't make some real progress by end of June, I am going to consider bariatric treatment. I am sick of being this way. I want to be able to run and ride bike and really play ball with my kid. I can't do it this way. I want to be able to wear normal clothes. I am tired of my fat flopping when I try to jog or run with the dogs. I have just had it.
I'm got a fire burning in me, but I can't get off my butt to take charge. I don't know how. Or maybe I can't. I just don't know.