Welcome To My Nightmare
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
This past weekend started out fine. Then on Sunday everything went absolutely crazy.
I got pulled into a fight. Two of my friends are no longer friends with each other. One of them got angry and fed up and wrote a blog...and it was actually hurtful enough to end it all.
Now the friend who wrote the blog...she is not putting any pressure on me to choose. My other friend...he is putting so much pressure on me and implies that I'm not very loyal because I am going to continue to speak to the person who hurt him.
I have a friendship with both of them. With my hurt guy friend...about 2 years. With the other...its been a year and a half long internet friendship. She still means something to me...even if I do disagree about the very public way that she went off on him...and even if I am ultimately closer to him.
It was mean...but...confidentially...
(and especially gauging from the way he has reacted to this situation)...he deserved most if not all of it. You can trust me on this.
He was THIS close to dropping our friendship over my inaction, though. Today I had a difficult conversation with him. As always...he speaks in a calm voice while I am reduced to raising my voice and crying. Obviously...and we are just friends...he's the one wearing the pants.
I know in my head that I should have dropped him as a friend a long time ago...but my heart is still attached to the friendship. Even though its toxic...I keep coming back. Its the same reason why its hard for me to quit smoking. Its scary to quit something you are used to....and it leaves you wondering what you are going to use to fill the void. I honestly do not know.
I want out...but I can't get myself to walk away.
All of these thoughts have actually dried up my appetite. I don't really even want to eat anything. I'm at about 1,000 calories at almost 9 PM. I guess I'll get a small snack so I can hit my 1,200.
When it comes to my program...I'm okay. Soon I hope to become a jogger.
I'm going through a lot of emotional turmoil...and have very little desire to be online for very long at all. So, I hope everyone can forgive me if I am a bit silent for a little while.
I'm sorry to unload on all of you...but once I sat down to write...it just came out. If I'm not very active around here for a while...I hope you'll understand.
If anyone has any advice...I'll take it.