Welcome To My Nightmare

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

This past weekend started out fine. Then on Sunday everything went absolutely crazy.

I got pulled into a fight. Two of my friends are no longer friends with each other. One of them got angry and fed up and wrote a blog...and it was actually hurtful enough to end it all.

Now the friend who wrote the blog...she is not putting any pressure on me to choose. My other friend...he is putting so much pressure on me and implies that I'm not very loyal because I am going to continue to speak to the person who hurt him.

I have a friendship with both of them. With my hurt guy friend...about 2 years. With the other...its been a year and a half long internet friendship. She still means something to me...even if I do disagree about the very public way that she went off on him...and even if I am ultimately closer to him.

It was mean...but...confidentially...
(and especially gauging from the way he has reacted to this situation)...he deserved most if not all of it. You can trust me on this.

He was THIS close to dropping our friendship over my inaction, though. Today I had a difficult conversation with him. As always...he speaks in a calm voice while I am reduced to raising my voice and crying. Obviously...and we are just friends...he's the one wearing the pants.

I know in my head that I should have dropped him as a friend a long time ago...but my heart is still attached to the friendship. Even though its toxic...I keep coming back. Its the same reason why its hard for me to quit smoking. Its scary to quit something you are used to....and it leaves you wondering what you are going to use to fill the void. I honestly do not know.

I want out...but I can't get myself to walk away.

All of these thoughts have actually dried up my appetite. I don't really even want to eat anything. I'm at about 1,000 calories at almost 9 PM. I guess I'll get a small snack so I can hit my 1,200.

When it comes to my program...I'm okay. Soon I hope to become a jogger.

I'm going through a lot of emotional turmoil...and have very little desire to be online for very long at all. So, I hope everyone can forgive me if I am a bit silent for a little while.

I'm sorry to unload on all of you...but once I sat down to just came out. If I'm not very active around here for a while...I hope you'll understand.

If anyone has any advice...I'll take it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Don't forget your health & happiness in the ciaos!!!
    4845 days ago
    I'm so sorry that you got involved in such an ugly fight between two "friends". If they both truly love you, they would understand what a tough position you are in and wouldn't want you to be hurt like this. The best thing you can do now is to be true to yourself. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything. It's just not fair.

    Please take good care of yourself and know that you have friends who love you unconditionally with no pressure or any strings attached. emoticon
    4846 days ago
  • AZCHIKEDE82 couldn't fit another scoop of that sucks if you tried! Being put in the middle is both unfair and uncomfortable. I've always had a major problem with it, and my friends and family know I have a 100% no ultimatum rule. Whoever gives me one, gets an automatic, hell no. It's worked for me, because now no one gives me one, lol. I hope this all works out for you. Am, just really sorry that you're going through that. Feel better, keep up the great work for yourself, and be strong!
    4846 days ago
    Ahhh, it is not failr what "friends" try to do to us. I think you already know in your heart of hearts what you need to do in this situation. It sounds like this "guy" friend is very controlling and tries to provoke you and possibly others.

    Here is to you loving yourself enough to walk away. maybe if he says the friendship is over, say "OK, it's over." and hang up or walk away. God will send someone to fill the void, or perhaps, God himself will fill the void.

    We all understand if you do not feel up to being online, but make sure you keep taking care of yourself health wise and that includes emotional.

    Just remember, nobody can really tell you what to do, because you have to be the one to make that decision and you have to be the one that lives with it.

    Love and Prayers,
    emoticon emoticon
    4847 days ago
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