I came across an old journal that I had been keeping and now that I have reached my goal I can look at it with humor, but the feelings are still strong and are still haunting me. I'm sure some of you will be able to see yourself in my writings. If you do, let me know and maybe we can laugh about it. Enjoy.......
Now I'm out of control, and I haven't weighed myself for a while, but I'm sure I'm over 200. I feel yucky most of the time, I'm always tired and I have no urge to exercise. I go on food shopping sprees where I buy crap and I eat it all at once. Most of the time I eat till I'm full and then keep going. I think, "I'll finish this bag of chips so it won't be around for me to eat tomorrow. But then tomorrow, I'll go buy some more.
I feel ugly and I certainly don't want people that I haven't seen for a while to see me now. I've actually stood in front of the diet pill section of the store trying to figure out which pill would take the weight off the fastest!
I think I eat this way as a reward to myself. I leave work thinking, "I put in 10 hours today, so I deserve to eat what I want to!
Not a good couple of days. Yesterday I had to go to CVS to get medicine for Alex. Of course I knew going in that I was going to buy a "reward" for myself. Honey roasted peanuts, small bag of Cheetos, Starburst, Hostess Apple Pie and Vanilla Coke. As usual, I ate the pie in the car before I left the parking lot so that i could throw the wrapper away in their garbage. I ate so fast I didn't even really taste it! On the way home I opened the peanuts and by the time I got home, they were gone. Once at home I ate all the Starburst and finished the Coke. What a gal!!!!! My excuse this time was that Alex was sick and I was stressed out.
Woke up with a new vigor. This is the day! Got home from work and lo and behold in the fridge in the garage was a key lime pie. I don't even really like key lime pie! I started out with a piece and at some point I didn't want the pie itself, but just the whip cream and crust. So I took the inside out and put it in a napkin and threw it out. Time for physical therapy for my back and when I'm done I stop at the Dunkin' Donuts in the building and get 2 buttermilk donuts and a Coke. Eating in the car I'm just about home and there is a Dairy Queen. As another reward I sometimes stop and get a small cone but today I felt extra deserving and got a Heath Toffee Blizzard. It will be closing for the winter soon and it won't be a problem anymore. I ate the whole thing in the parking lot and disposed of the evidence.
I think you get the idea. That was my life. I looked for any excuse to get out of the house to run a little errand. It was like this till 2005 when I finally realized I couldn't live this way anymore. I was determined to lose 50 pounds by the time I turned 50. I called it 50 by 50. I am so happy to say I reached that goal and then some. I lost a total of 66 pounds and changed my life around. This time I feel confident that I can stay this course and maybe help someone else along the way. When you are in the food zone you think you are the only one. Believe me, YOU ARE NOT!!!!!!!! Reach out to someone in your Spark Community. We have been there, and we are there to help.