My First Real Disaster
Monday, April 07, 2008
This weekend got out of control and I can't blame anyone but myself. I ate all the wrong foods, pizza, burger king and sometimes we conveniently forget we're addicted to certain foods and we think we can have just one or two slices of pizza but then that addiction kicks in and you can't, it's worse than alcoholism I swear. I don't have to drink, but I have to eat. So again I find myself having to dust myself off and start back again at square one. Major sigh. Nobody can be more disappointed with me than I am myself. But I have to confess it, forgive myself for being human in a weak time and not give up or use it as a reason to give up. Another major bump in my mental and emotional wellbeing is that my DH went looking for my one and only heirloom, a special diamond and platinum ring that my mother's first husband had designed and made for her, it was all I had left of her except her ashes and two pictures...it's missing. We can't find it anywhere. And back in July of 2006 when I went to visit my beloved cousing who had been in the hospital with a very aggressive colon cancer since February we had a neighbor sit with our kitties...now my mind is livid thinking that during the 3 days we were gone she went snooping and found it. Since then they have moved away...and I have no idea where they are. I'm hit by all these sickening emotions. Andrew was going to have it sized and cleaned so I could wear it. This ring is gorgeous with 3 1/2 carat diamonds and about 20 smaller fully cut diamonds with four rounded polished amethysts. I don't know what the value of the ring is, though I know it's a LOT, but the worth that it had for me overrides its intrinsic monetary value by the nth sqaured into infinity. During the next few weeks I'm going to be cleaning and throwing away or donatiing and I'm going to go through every drawer, every recepticle untile I'm satisfied it really is gone...I pray it isn't, but maybe by that time the danger of my emotions going nuts will have subsided and I can just be resigned to it. I always say I don't care about material things because we can't take them with us, but this was the only thing left of my Mama's and it was very important to me. I won't be online all day as I have been lately because I have to get my days organized to where I go to the spa, clean a bit, blog and keep up with my groups as well as keep in touch with my friends which is so important to me. So...lol now that I've caught you all up, I apologize for this being such a bummer of a blog, but I wouldn't be doing my part if I hid all this which would make me feel 20 shades of guilty and do me more harm than good. I need to accept responsability for my actions and account for them in a positive way...and pick myself up and keep on keeping on. I really don't have a choice in the matter. If I give up I will not live much longer. As much as I want to be with my Lord in Heaven, I want to get there honorably and not give up the gift of life because it's hard and I backslid. Can I have some amens?