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4.4.08 - My mom is dying

Friday, April 04, 2008

My mom was rushed to the hospital on Saturday after my dad returned home from Mass and found her slumped over the coffee table. She says she stumbled on her way to the couch after she had gone to the kitchen to get a glass of water, then fell asleep after she couldn't get up. Yea, right.

When they ran some tests, her potassium was low (we later found out she wasn't taking her meds) among other things. As of today, the list grows. While the potassium is under control, they have found clots in her legs and lungs, mild dementia, "slight" pneumonia, and a mass in her tummy the size of Rhode Island involving the liver, pancreas and hepatic vein. They did a CT guided biopsy this morning. Having worked in medicine for over 30 years, some of those with a surgical oncologist, I know what this means. And it ain't good.

For anyone who reads this, you have to understand what we, the family, have dealt with. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to accompany her on doctor's visits during the years, only to be screamed at and called names. And I mean not very nice names - how can you call your daughter a whore who is trying to help you, when that is far from the truth? And I'm talking double digits in years that I've put up with this verbal abuse. I've called the doctor's on numerous occasions asking him to ask her about things, or maybe make a note to look at her differently, only to be screamed at when she got home. Even if I didn't call, which I stopped a few years ago, she would still accuse me of calling if the doctor asked her how something has been. She made life hell for my dad, too. So we stopped, but let her know the offer is there if she wants us to step in.

So why am I posting this? Because besides the family support and having wonderful friends to stop me from beating my self up with the "I could have done mores", I have this site to support me. And keep me on track to stay healthy and not throw it all out the window. I have a ways to go, I know that. But under regular circumstances, and I'm sure many who might see this are nodding their heads, this is when we give up on ourselves, or take the focus off our needs and go for junk because it's more readily available. Junk is the easy way out. I know I have to stay healthy for whatever else is coming down the pike. Since we don't know the primary site of her cancer, I have to wonder what other pro-active measures am I going to have to do? Working in health care I know what I'm up against, and what she is up against, too. The good news is that I'm staying focused on my needs, and watching my dad and sister, too. We have to keep ourselves on top of our game for her sake, especially since we don't know if she'll be coming home and pretty much will need 24/7 care (with the help of hospice). We are looking at options.

I'm a near death experiencer so I have my guides on alert for her. I also know that this is her chosen path, and there is nothing I could have done. I forgive her for not allowing me to help her, and know I was the best daughter I could be. She is telling everyone what wonderful daughters she has and how we have taken care her and my dad. I guess in her mind what we have done is let her be.

So, with all of that, am I going to be perfect? Oh hell no. But with Sparkpeople I know I'll be focused, get up real quick after a stumble, and know I can come here, read the blogs, and be globally connected to everyone who has all kinds of struggles. I know I'm not alone, and you're not either.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, you are really inspiring. I'm definately praying for you all. Stay strong, take care of yourself, and choose to have peace :-)
    3971 days ago
    My prayers are with you and your family. This is truly a difficult time for all of you. While you keep an eye on dad and sister, don't forget to keep that same eye on yourself.

    From the sounds of things, you have been a dedicated daughter through some very rough times. You did the unthinkable by standing by your mom despite the hard time she gave you. Not many people have the kind of dedication, fortitude and compassion.

    You have been added to my prayer list. If you need to vent or just chat, feel free to contact me. In the meantime, may the grace of God grant you and your family peace during this most difficult time.

    3973 days ago
    My prayers are with you. Please look after yourself. There is a such thing as caregiver burn out. Her abuse to you is not about you , and you are doing the best you can on her behalf. You are right - do not beat yourself up.
    3974 days ago
    May you get throught this difficult time. I will add you all to the prayer list in the Psychic Sparkers Noeleen
    3974 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/4/2008 5:35:05 PM
    What a nightmare! God bless and will say a prayer for you.
    3974 days ago
    OMG what a SAINT you've been! It's such a horrible ordeal to go through when our loved one's illness changes their thoughts and behaviors so that they are no longer themselves. Hold onto the knowledge that this isn't your MOTHER saying those abusive things, but rather her ILLNESS which is speaking / acting.

    Take care of yourself as best you can...don't forget to squeeze in some time to rest and re-charge.

    Consider too, that during this time when so much is OUTSIDE of your control, it might help you feel better to seize those things that ARE under your control, such as healthy food / water choices and physical activity. There can be something truly therapeutic about pursuing this during a stressful time such as what you're experiencing.

    Don, Co-Leader for the All Health Professionals SparkTeam
    3974 days ago
    She is lucky to have a daughter like you.You have nothing to feel ashamed of,you have tried to help her.I had a Grandmother who had the same reaction to me helping her,and I too felt like I could have done more.My prayers,and thoughts are with you.God Bless You. Lisa
    3974 days ago
  • G.I.JANE
    Oh, I am soo sorry! My Mom is non-compliant as well. Her Sisters, too. I have two Aunts dying of lung Cancer, I fear my Mom is next. What can I say? We cant pick our Parents & control them. I hope you can fnd peace. Always a Sparkmail away!

    3974 days ago
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