Clothing heartbreaks and breakthroughs....
Friday, April 04, 2008
I cry when I shop...
....not all the time or not openly, and sometimes the tears show up as anger and frustration, but nonetheless I HATE shopping for clothes.
Things don't look the way I think they should. I take hours and hours of trying things on, comparing sizes and styles and often walk out with nothing purchased.
When I went to Hawaii I weighed 147. I had lost 16 pounds and I was excited to go shopping for a new bathing suit. Only to stare at myself in the mirror in horror. My butt still looked huge, my thighs were definitely still chunky. Yes I looked better than I used to, but it didn't stop the waves of disappointment and I realized I still had a long way to go. I stormed out of the store holding back tears as DH paid for the only one that I thought might possibly work.
I was in a foul mood the rest of the day.
It's hard for me to accept that as far as I have come (20lbs at this point) I still have a little ways to go. That's also behind the start over from the last post. Now I don't feel bad that my body doesn't look just the way I want it to, because I've just started, it's not supposed to.
Don't get me wrong, I love my body. And I wouldn't really want anyone else's. I just want mine to look better.
Fast forward to present day. Last Saturday to be specific...
Hubby and I were visiting his parents for the Cherry Blossom Festival in Macon. There was a stand with handmade sun dresses with an Indian flavor(Indian as in India). I looked at them and decided "no way" I won't be able to find one that fits, it will take hours, there is no dressing room, DH will get frustrated I will get upset and the whole day will be ruined. I was already tensing up just walking by them. Then suddenly DH picked up a beautiful green one and said "I want to get this for you" I told him there wasn't anywhere to try it on and it wouldn't fit even if I did.
The nice sales lady told me to just pull it over my t-shirt and jeans.
I was horrified.
Hubby insisted and before I knew it I was standing in front of a mirror in the middle of a packed fair grounds with the sundress over my clothes.
I loved it. We bought it.
When we got home DH told me "you're not 163lbs anymore and it's time you start buying things that will look better as you lose more weight instead of worse, and I want to help you"
I love him.
I don't expect this fear of shopping to just disappear, but it's slowly but surely getting better, that's exciting.