Why do we stay?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

With less than 3 weeks to go till I graduate from school - this should be my happiest time. It is my dream come true and I am so happy to have it done with. However, instead of fully enjoying it I am in the midst of ending a 6 year relationship. I should feel sad, but I don't I feel drained.

I have gained all this weight during the time I was in school, but I think the weight didn't come from school. The emotional eating came from how unhappy I was in the relationship. I knew I should have ended this ages ago, but for some stupid reason i stayed. The truth is I have no one to blame but myself.

Why is it that we stay in relationships that we KNOW we are unhappy in.

I have seen it so many times. I grew up surrounded by it and vowed THAT WOULD NEVER BE ME. Guess what - that was me.

I feel liberated to finally have all the words out. I cannot be with someone I don't love. I don't deserve it. He doesn't deserve it and most importantly my daughter doesn't deserve it. This isn't what I want her to see or think that life and love should be like.

I know there will be adjustments. When I first started on this journey I never expected to come to such a place where I am now. A place where I can see where I want to be and what I have to do to get there. Part of shedding my excess weight has to do with getting rid of baggage that is holding me down. In this case, it was a relationship that was slowly killing me inside.

My daughter, my health and my life are too important to me to sell myself short and keep things the way they are.

I have to stop here, but if anyone out there is feeling weighed down and know it's not just the weight, take it from me sometimes the fat in your life is more than what's on the scale.

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  • 1BASIL
    You hit it on the nose Anastasia. Whenever there are things going on in our lives that aren't healthy, it makes us feel sluggish and heavy. Sometimes we do have to let some of that stuff go in order to find ourselves again. I have been going through a difficult marriage for a while now, and it took quite a toll on me. With him gone, I feel as if an enormous amount of weight has been lifted and I'm finding my way back.

    You are doing the right thing here, so just keep doing what you are doing. You are helping so many people, and in that, you are helping yourself.
    4037 days ago
    This is tough, you are tough, and I know this is going to be rough and shaky at first. Only you know how to take charge of your life and what you need. I hope with time you can trust in me and that I am your friend and open up to me. I will do the same. That's what true friends are for. You have been my mentor, my inspiration, my guide, my friend. I will pray for your health, happiness, and success, because Lord knows you deserve it.
    4040 days ago
    Congrats on figuring this out. Now focus on finishing your classes. And getting what's next set up. It sounds like you are steping forward into the future without some big baggage. Good for you!

    I like Iyalna VanSant's "In the meantime" for a good break-up read. That book helped me do the work that got me ready for my beloved (sort of - I'm still working) So if you are really finished studying it's a good read!
    4041 days ago
  • NEWA2011
    You are a strong woman. This decision, albeit tough, sounds like it was the right one for you.
    4041 days ago
    Wow! At least you know what you have to do to end this destructive relationship and stop it from harming your happiness any longer. I'm so sorry you have felt so drained just lately. Try some yoga ... deep breathing exercises to help relax you and give you more strength ... I've just read your journal. I wrote one myself . It will be a bit like blogging and writing your insights every day I guess! Good luck with your future and I pray you have the strength to keep talking! Hugs and love Helen xxx
    4041 days ago
    Wow...I just read the story of my life! Except my relationship has been longer and I know my weight has kept me from moving on! Not sure why, but it's been a safety blanket. Good for you for recognizing it and doing something about it!!!!
    4041 days ago
    Good for you for figuring it out. Sometimes that's the hardest part. You sound like you are taking charge of all areas of your life. That's a good thing. Being the one in charge of your future, your destiny, your dreams, is what is so empowering. Good for you and way to go. Though you might be sad, at least you can be proud of yourself for being strong and true to yourself.
    4041 days ago
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