I'm not back, but I'm still here
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Wow, its really been almost a month! This past month has been so emotional. First it was stress with everything going on from Madison's dad, family issues, etc. I hit my breaking point and locked myself and the baby in my bedroom for a week. I have the master bedroom/bathroom and a mini fridge in my room, so I literally stayed in my room for a week. I hated the world and I hated myself. Occasionally, I'd come out when I knew no one was home and I would binge. It took me back to the days I was bulimic (really hard to admit that one, I've only told 2 other people in this entire world that I was once bulimic but I really don't care anymore, at least not right now). I didn't want to go back to binging and purging, so I just binged. I justified not purging because I needed the extra calories to nurse Madie. Binging made me more depressed because I wasn't doing anything but staying in bed gaining weight. After a week or ten days of feeling sorry for myself, I decided things had to change. I got up and made my bed, then did some laundry and continued to clean the rest of the house. Life was getting better. I said "was" because in the midst of it all, the basement flooded, the dishwasher broke, I developed a major painful milk blister that left it nearly impossible to do anything that included clothing, I saved my little sister from a half attempt at suicide, Brian made a few more threats to me about Madison, and the list goes on (but no one here really *wants* to know of ALL my problems). So, I went back to stress eating. I'm still dealing with many of the above problems. The only one that really got solved was the milk blister popped and I got some relief, however I now have another one. So then, last weekend I poisoned my entire family accidentally. Not like real poison, but like food poison. I've been trying out new recipes and the one I tried didn't specify that a certain ingredient needed to be cooked before adding it in. So I didn't cook it. So for three days my family all took turns at spending time in the bathroom. You'd think we were trying to figure out how to redecorate. Even Madie got sick. Poor girl. So, then I had a birthday (Yay, Happy Birthday to me...not!). It was actually a pretty good day, in the sense that nothing broke or blew up, threw up, or caught on fire. I did get a new juicer that I am totally loving =D and my loving brother and bestest friend in the world bought me a new bike with a little trailer that converts into a jogging stroller. I love him! I had hoped to take it out the day after my birthday, however I have fallen ill. I supposedly have pneumonia and spiked a fever of 103*F. However, my daughter has not been sick this time (so grateful!). I feel sad for her though because we have done nothing but stay in bed. I have been unable to take care of her like I want to and feel like the worst mother in the world. The poor girl tries to talk and play with me and all I can do is lay there and say "Mommy's sorry and she loves you very much" as I pat her belly and attempt to cry but can't because I am so dehydrated I can't make tears. I am taking care of her needs (changing her diaper and feeding her) but its hard to do much else. I finally gave her a bath today after four days. Yikes. That sounds horrible. I'm doing the best I can, but it is so tough being a single mom! I'm still sick, but I think I am getting better. Between the stress eating and the depression eating, I gained a total of nine pounds (ew, I am so disappointed in myself). I lost four pounds being sick, but I honestly believe I am really dehydrated and as soon as I become hydrated again, the scale will be back up. So I am officially where I was four months ago. Yuck!
Anyway, thats where I've been and what I've been doing the past month. Sorry I've been a little MIA, there's just been so much going on. Now that I am doing dishes by hand (I am not complaining, I know many people don't have dishwashers) and have a basement to put back together and a baby to take care of, I can't say for sure that I will be on SP regularly for a while, but I will do my best. Thanks to all of you have been my friends and have been there for me, especially the ones who even noticed that I haven't been around. I'll keep in touch the best I can.