anger, fear, resentment, fatigue...a really hard day...

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

hahaha - couldn't help adding this pic mom - it's so me talking to you tonight - here i ask for help and when you offer it when i really need it i take it and get so mad - you were so kind to go against what you knew would make me happy and spoke the truth - i so wanted to go and have fun tomorrow, but the gym was the plan for tomorrow - and that's that - and i need to go to the gym...cuz i need to be brought back to it being my most important goal/role...there will be time to go up north with my friend - another day...but not tomorrow...all day my food has been yelling, screaming, haunting me - driving me near tears and i could just scream right back - i want to throw plates...and stomp around and throw a tempertantrum and kick my feet and yell and tell everyone it's not fair - but then i return - as i write this and remind myself that this commitment - that this day i've committed to will begin and it will end and i have succeeded...maybe not perfectly, but i have succeeded in ways i didn't think were possible yesterday - and even though i sooooo didn't want to write tonight i knew that it was the most important thing i needed to do - get it out - cuz i do want to be healthy - i do want to see 14 days of "abstinance from bingeing" and know that i couldn't have done it with out all of you and him...and pray with all my heart to keep going and offer my greatest thanks for all the little angels that found there ways into my day - ok - took a couple of chill pills and am going to bed - praying that tomorrow will once again be the best day of my life - and yours - god bless...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    YAY! I'm proud of you for recognizing what you NEED and prioritizing it over what you WANT right now. That takes a lot of guts. *HUGS* And thank you for the lovely flowers!!! :D
    3721 days ago
    I think I was saying what I thought WOULD make you happy. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even next week...but eventually...when you're comfortable within your body and as healthy as you ever dreamed possible. I'm glad you understand that I wasn't trying to be mean or make your day miserable, I just love you SOOO much and want you to have your dreams come true. It's been a very hard day for you and I'm glad you realize that you were very successful! Fighting demons is harder than an enemy outside your body - at least with someone else involved, you know which side you're really on LOL! Oh ya, and...weren't you listening when you were little - who ever said life was fair LMGO!! You have a good sleep - sleep the sleep of the righteous - you earned it today!

    Thank you, God, for holding her in your hand today and keeping her safe. Please wrap her in your love tomorrow and let her feel your strength. Amen
    3721 days ago
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