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Depression's Funk

Saturday, March 01, 2008

am experiencing one of those funks of clinical depression... for me, situations do not trigger my funks hence it is so frustrating at times... I was happy in the morning enjoying my work with my clients and coworkers ... then after lunch, my soul started to become dark and smaller...

Apathy emerged to take over my brain's decision making. I found myself sitting (at work) staring at the computer instead of logging in my speech-therapy notes (SOAP notes)... I was unable to meet those variable deadlines re paperwork... I must wait for the intense pressure of the final deadline to motivate me into completing the paperwork that is due on Monday

depression- apt word for the hole left in my skull where my brain should be; my heart: flesh turns into metal, my soul alters... something missing- that which makes me ME is gone... or perhaps this is still me just another dimension of me...

But this me doesn't want to do the things that must be done, this me isn't able to make my face muscles smile, this me seems to be very far away from my family, friends and community... This me remembers how to act when Princess-to-be phones so that she doesn't become worried or detect the fakeness of the conversation engaged by me b/c ME isn't here... this me doesn't want those near and dear to know ME has gone somewhere, even I don't know where ME has traveled... this me seems content to stay here in this land of confusion and unknowing... this me cherishing the feeling of unresponsibility... this me ignoring the needs of food-fuel, body-bathing, home-cleaning, family-communication....

Is it possible that ME has left me here so that ME can go learn valuable lessons from the Universe? Would ME be worthy of such an honor? Is it possible that ME needed to take a vacation away from my life... if so why?

This me will go this afternoon to town (50 miles away) to honor an appointment only because this me still cannot displease people...

When or even will I be able to find ME... or do I simply wait for ME to return? This is depression versus being saddened by events... This is depression-that state of being where ME is lost...

What is this thing that steals the essence of my very being, leaving only memories, coloring my current experiences with thoughts of unworthiness and failure? What is the purpose of this state of being that creates a filtered barrier so that only confusion, apathy, lethargy are allowed to enter? What is this thing that teases with memories of a functional ME?

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • -SHAWN-
    Oh Pami you need to market that "FUNK BEGONE". You'll be a KaZillionair! You cracked me up girl, hope our Princess got a little giggle too.
    4379 days ago
  • -SHAWN-
    DDOORN is right are thoughts and our behavior affect our mood... I used to hate it when out of no where that funk would hit me... I never knew how long it would last....
    Maybe like me something is amiss in your life, but you have no clue as to it's presence in your mind, and if you can't identify it, you can't fix it or get over it or deal with it or whatever...
    Will be here for you in the ups and the downs, always, Blue
    4379 days ago
  • DDOORN
    Remember, not only do our feelings affect our behavior, but the reverse is also true:

    Our behavior affects our feelings!

    Which means, if we can force our body to move "as if" we are NOT depressed...our feelings can follow suit!

    I find my treadmill is my best ally in the fight to maintain control whenever depression is attempting to take over. I put one foot ahead of the other and burn off my depression on my 'mill.

    Try nudging yourself into action of some sort. It can be you antidote to depression...!

    So glad you've posted your struggles...keep coming back!

    Don, Co-Leader of All Health Professionals SparkTeam
    4379 days ago
  • PAMIJANE
    ***Pami whips out her spray can of FUNK BEGONE and does a praise and healing dance around her princess, trying desperately not to fall. A whispered memory resonates in her mind..."Help...I've fallen and can't get up!" makes her concentration level peak.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so low sweetie. If there is any way in which I can help, please spark or email me. The chemicals in your brain are just causing lapses in your synapses and it will pass. I can remember that dark unholy, cold and lonely place with razor sharp self hatred and useless accusations. Bleeding from my soul and just wanting to disappear. It will pass, even now feel the Light trying to get in, get past and through to succor you. Through the weeping of your dismay and disarray of self worth hear the calling of your Guardian Angel who watches over you, feel the soft whisper of wings in a healing embrace. Receive the anointing of the Holy Spirit which will chase away all jagged edges of dark pain and grief in self and He will hold you in all your ravages as you come back to yourself again, fully yourself, washed clean through Divinity and holy love, purified throughout spirit and mind. Even now your apathy and depression weaken and begin to depart in hating fear of your God Almighty that none can withstand and the sword of righteousness which cleaves you from it's wrongful influence in your health and well being. You are loved, you are strong, you are loving and kind, you are a wonderful friend, mother...you are WORTHY for you are GOD'S DAUGHTER. You are a Princess and Heir to His great kingdom and none have power over you...

    Remember Roman's 8:38-39?

    For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

    Depression is an illness, but Jesus is the Master Physician and nothing can stand against Him. You are already healed in Heaven by His stripes, we can pray and try to reach out for that healing in the here and now...and if it be His will we will receive it. We can't know why it isn't immediate or when we want it, but we can know that He is in control and knows what's best and that out of all bad comes good for those who are faithful and love Him. I'm praying for you. Please do contact me if you need a friend with a big shoulder to cry on. I'll send you my phone number by sparkmail.

    Love and God bless
    Pami
    4379 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/1/2008 8:42:42 PM
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