Personal Crisis and flickering lightbulbs

Saturday, February 16, 2008

This last week I have experienced a personal crisis. I've got a crack in my resolve to be 100% committed to getting healthy, and I'm struggling to regain my momentum.

I'm a stress and emotional eater. Not a surprise. I'm teary eyed sitting here, because it's painful to really, honestly, fully realize that part of the reason I've kept myself fat in spite of all the knowledge I have about the right things to do is that I am protecting myself with the fat. Somewhere along the line, I came to believe that being fat could protect me from the things I fear, the things that cause pain, the things that hurt my feelings, the things that crush my sense of self. OMG! I know I've heard countless people say it's their story, too, but this is the first time I am really acknowleging that FEAR is driving me. On the outside, I come off as being confident and competent. On the inside I am full of fear. Fear of rejection, failure, loneliness. Fear of losing my son to his father and step-mother, even though I am a damned good mom and they'd have a heck of a fight on their hands to prove me even close to "unfit." Fear of them yelling at me. This is a BIG ONE: fear of doing what I think, feel, believe is right and then having someone yelling, screaming, ACCUSING me of doing those things out of malice or ill-intent. The truth is that I am TOO AFRAID of the consequences of doing things on purpose to hurt people or rip them off or take advantage of them. AFRAID!!!! YES, i am!

This time it's about taxes. I do my own taxes, cuz they are simple. Every other year "they" are to get the deduction of DS - totally unfair in my mind, because he lives with me year round, and I have to do ALL the parenting which darned well entitles me to something more than I get in child support, I think. If you disagree, shut up! I don't want to hear it from you. Anyway, I did my own taxes, and I wasn't given a choice about claiming head of household status, as far as I could tell. So I went ahead and did my taxes using DS as a deduction. Now I am scared SHEETLESS that I screwed up, and "they" are going to accuse me of ripping them off on purpose and intentionally doing this to take away from them. I swear that I did my taxes by the instructions on the web. No mal-intent, just doing what I always do, and staying inside the lines. So now I sit here FILLED with FEAR that "they" are going to pounce on me at any time and fling accusations and be just awful. The crazy thing is that they probably did their taxes already, and it's a non-issue. The crazier thing is that I'm AFRAID to ask "them" about it, cuz I don't want to open up a can of worms...I'm in a catch 22. My back is agains the wall - I'm feeling fear, and I'm feeding that fear with bad food and too many calories.

It isn't a wonder that I can't lose weight, because I am feeding the beast - fear - within me. It wants to hang on to the protective layer of FAT to keep me safe. I have to find ways to be bigger and stronger than this FEAR.

I realize now that my response to every broken heart, failed job, failed friendship, failed anything is to eat and feed that rotten beast within that is controlling my existence. I need an exorcism of sorts to make that FEAR go away. It is destroying me, and I can see it trying to destroy my DS who is also filled with fear already at age 9. How can I help him be stronger if I can't be strong myself?

I can see the learning curve on this one is going to be steep, but I can succeed. I will overcome. Now that I know WHAT it is and what causes it, I can get down to the business of learning to deal with it and put out that fire of fear burning in my soul.

GOD, grant me the
to accept the things
I cannot change
to change the
things I can
and the
to know the difference.

Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next.


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    hugs hugs hugs
    4803 days ago
  • AANDW05
    MY GIRL...Deep breath! Thank you for sharing this with us!!
    I know it was hard to look at yourself in the mirror and see this....it's really hard to pin point problems within ourselves!!
    I'm here for you and you know that..we talked about this earlier. Fear effects everyone differently, me...it makes me have a VERY hard exterior, I DO NOT like to be singled out, turned away, told no, made out to look like I'm stupid, and I DO NOT LIKE to FAIL! I think that has a lot to do with why I'm here too...I get so far then BAM...I'm back to square one...you've seen me do it enough to know what I'm talking about....But please know, I'm here...I'll do anything I can to support you, motivate you and remind YOU that your a wonderful STRONG person!
    As far as the tax stuff goes...I'm not a tax person, so I have no idea...it looks like MrsHoneyC, and Di are there for you on that one!
    Please don't let THEM bother you on this one...that money is meant for YOU and HUGH!!! NOT THEM! LIke Jen said, stand strong on what you believe...it'll all work out...I know right now it doesn't look like it because your backed in a corner, but when push comes to shove...you'll get a back bone that's UNBREAKABLE!!! You know I'm here...you can ALWAYS count on me!!
    Your right that you are one HELL of a MOM!! Don't let ANYONE tell you anything else! Whatever you do! Know that Hugh LOVES you and looks up to you no matter what! His dad might say things...but remember he's only 9 1/2....kids are EASILY Persuaded...remember that!! And when his dad says something when he's there, he might be doing what he's doing to make hid dad happy...I know, crazy huh? BUt kids will be kids...you know that...lol what am I telling you this for?? I guess because I can TOTALLY RELATE!!
    OK...I've rambled enough...

    If you need me you know I'm here!!
    4803 days ago
    I feel for you on this one. I don't understand how a man could deprive his son of the benefits that come with the tax return. I wish I could give some miracle advice, all I can do is wish you the best of luck and let you know I care.
    4803 days ago
  • KAREN_01
    Linda, I cannot give you anything else but my sincere acknoledgement of your pain. As I was reading I was feeling it too and like looking in a mirror saw much of my own self. Know that you are not alone and I hope desperately that you will find the strength within yourself to defeat that beast.
    4804 days ago
    Okay, everyone's got your back on this!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!!
    I just talked to my sister re: your taxes situation. CHECK THE FINAL DECREE on your divorce settlement. If it does NOT specifically say that your ex is to get the taxes for your son, HE CAN NOT CLAIM HIM. (or is he suppose to get for every OTHER year??? I'm not 'getting' it?)
    There will always be something that will test your stress levels - test your resolve. Your reason needs to be stronger than that 'other thing' - if you NEED to have something outside of YOU, use your SON as your motivation. EVERYTHING you say and do, HE WILL EMULATE, so it's important for you to teach him healthy eating and exercise habits as early as possible. I don't know how old your son is or anything, but depending on his age you can always include him with food decisions, walking etc. I found for quite a long time that by making my kids MY #1 reason to (continue) living I was able to 'make it'. Yes, I had a VERY VERY rough time for about 15 years where I got to a VERY low part of my life that I'm SO GLAD I was able to Thank God for my children ... my 'reason' for living. SO, if you have to look outside yourself, look to your son. I'm off my platform now! ((HUGS))
    4804 days ago
  • JOEYD76542
    You overcame fear when you had the courage to state your truth and post it for the "world" to see. You overcome fear when you surrender to the Will of the Lord, and trust in Him. You've made the first (gigantic) step, and now you can move forward, even if it is baby steps...and even when you may slide backwards a little. (((((Linda))))) Now start asking the question "what is the worst that can happen?" for each fear, and work your way through it. Often the fear had more power than the reality for me, and I hope that is the case for you!
    4804 days ago
    Linda... I'm sorry things are in a turmoil for you at the moment. I know how hard it is to face things alone. Every step you take in this process will make you stronger and just remember to always stand up for what you believe in spite of what everyone else says... you will be stronger and more respected for it in the end. It ain't easy though, let me tell ya! I think it was brave to expose yourself as well. Please hang in there and try not to beat yourself up for being human! (((hugs))) You are still "Sarge" in my book!! hahaha
    4804 days ago
    Hi Linda,
    I think that writing this blog must have been cathartic for you. I KNOW that it was brave of you. It would have been brave if this was a private blog and you spelled it out just for yourself. It was incredibly brave of you to share it. I believe that you will find the answers that you are looking for--you have FAITH. As a mother, I understand that the threat to your relationship with your son is the hardest. Unfortunately, I guess "they" know that too. Believe and it will be done for you. Your friends are here to support you.
    4804 days ago
    Hang in there! (And, as a single mom, I totally agree with you about the child support thing!!!)
    4804 days ago
    Oh Linda {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}} My heart goes out to you! I know what you are going through. I am also that type of person that fears everything. I am learning through the help of a dear friend and mentor to break away from that fear, that comfort zone I am in. It is a daily battle.

    BUT you took the biggest step and that was publicly acknowledging this. And now you can move forward. You are stronger then you realize, you can dig deep inside you and feel the strength!!

    Hang in there and know we are here for you in any way we can be! Hugs~~Di~~
    4804 days ago
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