Personal Crisis and flickering lightbulbs

This last week I have experienced a personal crisis. I've got a crack in my resolve to be 100% committed to getting healthy, and I'm struggling to regain my momentum.

I'm a stress and emotional eater. Not a surprise. I'm teary eyed sitting here, because it's painful to really, honestly, fully realize that part of the reason I've kept myself fat in spite of all the knowledge I have about the right things to do is that I am protecting myself with the fat. Somewhere along the line, I came to believe that being fat could protect me from the things I fear, the things that cause pain, the things that hurt my feelings, the things that crush my sense of self. OMG! I know I've heard countless people say it's their story, too, but this is the first time I am really acknowleging that FEAR is driving me. On the outside, I come off as being confident and competent. On the inside I am full of fear. Fear of rejection, failure, loneliness. Fear of losing my son to his father and step-mother, even though I am a damned good mom and they'd have a heck of a fight on their hands to prove me even close to "unfit." Fear of them yelling at me. This is a BIG ONE: fear of doing what I think, feel, believe is right and then having someone yelling, screaming, ACCUSING me of doing those things out of malice or ill-intent. The truth is that I am TOO AFRAID of the consequences of doing things on purpose to hurt people or rip them off or take advantage of them. AFRAID!!!! YES, i am!

This time it's about taxes. I do my own taxes, cuz they are simple. Every other year "they" are to get the deduction of DS - totally unfair in my mind, because he lives with me year round, and I have to do ALL the parenting which darned well entitles me to something more than I get in child support, I think. If you disagree, shut up! I don't want to hear it from you. Anyway, I did my own taxes, and I wasn't given a choice about claiming head of household status, as far as I could tell. So I went ahead and did my taxes using DS as a deduction. Now I am scared SHEETLESS that I screwed up, and "they" are going to accuse me of ripping them off on purpose and intentionally doing this to take away from them. I swear that I did my taxes by the instructions on the web. No mal-intent, just doing what I always do, and staying inside the lines. So now I sit here FILLED with FEAR that "they" are going to pounce on me at any time and fling accusations and be just awful. The crazy thing is that they probably did their taxes already, and it's a non-issue. The crazier thing is that I'm AFRAID to ask "them" about it, cuz I don't want to open up a can of worms...I'm in a catch 22. My back is agains the wall - I'm feeling fear, and I'm feeding that fear with bad food and too many calories.

It isn't a wonder that I can't lose weight, because I am feeding the beast - fear - within me. It wants to hang on to the protective layer of FAT to keep me safe. I have to find ways to be bigger and stronger than this FEAR.

I realize now that my response to every broken heart, failed job, failed friendship, failed anything is to eat and feed that rotten beast within that is controlling my existence. I need an exorcism of sorts to make that FEAR go away. It is destroying me, and I can see it trying to destroy my DS who is also filled with fear already at age 9. How can I help him be stronger if I can't be strong myself?

I can see the learning curve on this one is going to be steep, but I can succeed. I will overcome. Now that I know WHAT it is and what causes it, I can get down to the business of learning to deal with it and put out that fire of fear burning in my soul.


GOD, grant me the
Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change
Courage
to change the
things I can
and the
Wisdom
to know the difference.

Living ONE DAY AT A TIME;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next.

Amen